Dear @Ellie @Rick @Alessandra1992 @kato and others (sorry I can't remember who else responded to this thread) 

I am really struggling massively at the moment. Although Christmas Day was quite good - best I've had in over 40 years - I had a huge backlash a few days later. And it just seems to keep getting worse.

So what's been happening?

1. My son came home Xmas Eve to tell us his boss had sacked him from his apprenticeship without notice (but 2 weeks pay in lieu). Did it really horribly too by letter with his pay slip, not even having the guts to tell him to his face. Frankly my son's inclined to be relieved - pleased even - because he has copped so much abuse/bullying from this guy, and now he will be able to access the TAFE's list of employers looking for experienced apprentices.

2. After New Year my son went away to summer camp - something he has done since finishing primary school, and he was really looking forward to it. It will probably be his last year as he turns 18 soon. A few days later I got a phone call to say they were in the hospital with him having a severe case of tonsillitis (including vomiting and dehydration). Whilst on the phone with them the doctor came in with blood test results - he has glandular fever. I cannot help but feel this is at least partly caused by the terrible strain he has been under with work (both putting up with/standing up to his boss, and also not losing it and either getting aggressive or walking out).

3. The bullying from a business owner (which I've written about here) has continued to ramp up (with demands for more and more money) but in spite of my need/intentions/plans/determination I have been unable to even ask for the legal help I need. I am not even sure exactly why this is so.

4. I have been struggling more and more with self-care: eating meals, drinking enough, going to bed, sleeping, going out, showering, dressing, cooking, answering the phone, even going to the toilet. I am also struggling (as usual) with having the kids home, I'm at least as triggered by their noise as usual - perhaps a bit more so. I sort of understand a bit of what's going on but not fully. I am just feeling incredibly stuck. 

5. Yesterday I noticed a message on the phone. So I managed to listen to it. It was from ECASA. They finally offered me a counselling spot (I've been waiting 5 months since my intake counselling appointment), it will be a 3-4 hour round trip to attend (I decided not to go to their local outreach as I found that having physical separation from home helped when I did their TACT course in 2013, also there was a longer waiting time). When I called back and then heard from the counsellor who called me she told me the appointments she could offer me were different on alternating weeks. They would also clash with my ability to pick my girls up from school fortnightly (and potentially clash with my art classes).

I found myself having to say NO for self-care reasons! Last August I became quite manic, partly triggered by things like going for that intake appointment, and also art changing from weekly to fortnightly. I really need my routine, it helps to anchor me. The more it is disturbed the more destabilising it is. And I know that starting the ECASA counselling will be that too, at least in the short term. So I need it to be a regular appointment which doesn't clash with other things which are important for my wellness, like art and caring for my children. Saying no was quite heartbreaking, as I know I really need to do this. She understood and said I will stay at the top of the list but that is small consolation at the moment.

6. Yesterday I had a couple of really horrid somatic experiences - and I don't understand them, nor did I get much enlightenment when I asked myself what this was about. I won't go into detail but one of them feeling like something was stuck in my back passage, and the other was a persistent feeling as if my phone was in my breastpocket and vibrating intermittently (but it wasn't even in my pocket) this persisted until late last night. Yuck!

7. My therapist is not back until next week - it will be a month since I last saw her. I usually see her weekly, as I regard working on my mental health a bit like some go to the gym. It fosters my wellness. Usually I can cope ok with not seeing her every week, but so much has gone on over this break that I am feeling completely overwhelmed. I have got to the point where all I can do that seems to work much is self-soothe/distract myself by being on the internet and reading, or when that is too much then burying my head in an old version of Heroes of Might & Magic (with older clunkier graphics which aren't too confronting or over-stimulating).

Anyway that's me at the moment.

Hope, for moving forward on this journey, endures...

Kind regards,

Kristin