I'de be b..... overwhelmed and in bed for over a month if I had to fill in sheets about my weight fluctuation (not smoking but my issue) 

I was thinking on how I changed my appearance from being a

          tough girl :I wear overalls with singlets and am defensive with purple hair 

         to Mrs Lacy and feminine...still wearing overalls but Im feminine about it and I wear other clothes too. Blond hair.

I liked getting my hair cut short, toughie short, I hung out with people who were confused about their sexuality or straight out; different, living on the edge of society but I was'nt . I was a GREAT Mum and many people trusted me with their children. I wore singlets, toughie boots and big jumpers and those huge big tunics. No shape thank you. I’m a chubby lady. …..growing too.

 My Psychotherapist commented on my exposed arms, showing half of my bras.

I felt angry.

I felt defensive.

I’m a good looking lady. I liked my …..no wearing make up. I didn't believe in massages or those stupid hair washes at the hair dressers. My life was difficult.

I was cool in my own box. 

And.......... one day, my hair grew a little longer. I stopped wearing singlets. Skirts suddenly appeared in my wardrobe; pale pink. Eye shadow, mascara. Sandals and long sleeved blouses.

One day, I went to see my Psychotherapist said, You look really good. I confess it’s a different feeling to get a compliment than giving. We spoke of me getting a lapband. I’ve lost about 3o k in 6 years. 

Though it's not........quitting smoking it's my way of change. Sometimes they just dont have the tools to know how to sit with someone who wants to change. This is a terrible judegement but ......this is how I feel. 

You are better than this @Mazarita. You have supported many people and taken huge risks in the past  x months. Remember you have tried working , walking,support workers.

 ........Your video stuff has gone in and out with you 

This is only your life babe, I love having you as my friend.