@utopia I think everything you said is spot on. 

I believed that I had finally broken a lifetime of solitude and had infact formed a relationship with someone that not only did I care about but could share ME with. I never once felt uncomfortable or remorseful about anything I told her and also never felt any different about her when she shared parts of herself with me. The admiration I felt for her infact grew with every little bit of herself she revealed. I think I believed more in her - in her strength, in her courage and in her resilience - than she did in herself.I do really hope she sees all these things in herself one day - because she is a truly amazing and compassionate person. 

I have had periodsin my life that have been ok - but it seems that everytime something good starts to happen I come crashing down with a massive knock. I have tried to forge some kind of life - mainly through work - but I have always seemed to be barely keeping afloat. 

My GP described exactly what I had been feeling several months ago just the other day. She recognised that just before I got so sick that I was struggling to keep my head above water and as a result of me becoming so ill I began to sink quickly - that is exactly the way it felt. I could feel it coming but by that time it was too late - I was going under too quickly and I was too ill to pull myself back up. 

I really don't know how I am going to go back to work. The job is too hard and too stressful at the best of times - but I need to work to pay for the house etc. I can't NOT work - this has only just added to my worries. I don't think I'm well enough to return - but I can't pay for the things that I need if I don't!

In regard to my GP and psych - I know there reaction will be to want me to go to hospital - and I have resisted and resisted that for months - I don't feel comfortable being around people I don't know - it would infact add to my stress and anxiety. The meds I an on know have worked better than any I have had before. The other night I just made a decision to stop allthe pain, stress, anxiety and constant flashbacks and thoughts in my head - yes it may have been the easy way out - but for me - it was the only way out at the time. It is something that I think about everyday in some form or another and this I have been doing for many years. I only have two regrets - 1. I failed, and 2. I caused others pain and am still around to witness that.I will always feel guilty and ashamed for putting others through that!