BPD Partner - my jealously

[Luca33]

Hi,

I'm in a relationship with someone who is diagnosed with BPD. (4 months together).

my partner casually told me about her diagnosis a few months ago and I had no idea about it what it was.

I noticed fairly early on that things weren't quite right (or like other relationships I have had in the past).

I have done ALOT of reading and things seem to makes sense and resonate to what I am experiencing and feeling in this relationship.

Lately I am finding two things extremely difficult to deal with in the relationship:

Number one:

trying to relay to her how she speaks to me. She can be quite mean in tone and has no idea how she is coming across. I have tried to stand my ground but with no positive outcome. Leads to arguments and so forth.

Number two: I am feeling a bit jealous. It seems that her relationship with friends (male/female) appears to be "normal" and I get the absolute worst from her personality. I feel like I'm not worth much in her life and overthink her other relationships. Basically a broken compass, not sure if she really loves or hates me.

She has a lot of male/female friends and is quite social.

We have had some good talks and I get a glimpse of how she feels (cares about me, chose me to be her partner because of my good qualities).

I still feel a bit uneasy though.

It hurts that she can have a good laugh with her friends and I get the "bad" side.

wondering if anyone has any insight on these issues?

[PeachSoda]

Hi Luca33,

I have a sister recently diagnosed with BPD. What I'm finding out is that it's the people that are closest to them that will cop the most abuse. I think it could be something to do with them feeling safe or secure in the relationship, so they really let their colours show. I know it feels like crap to be on the receiving end. I don't really have any advice, but I hear you and understand what you're going through to some degree.

[Luca33]

Hi,

Thanks for replying. 
Very counter intuitive but I can see logic in letting true colours show when you get closer to someone. 

The hardest part is trying to stand your ground and say things like "I didn't like the way you just spoke to me". Seems to always lead to conflict.

[Anastasia]

Hi @Luca33 

I have no insight but I tend to agree with @PeachSodaat least this is how my boy is around me.

Welcome to the forums and I do hope you find support and some guidance around navigating your way through your relationship 🙂

I have a friend that would no doubt offer some great insight as she is an advocate for BPD as well as a huge inspiration, I will tag her so you can meet 🙂

@BPDSurvivor x

[Luca33]

Thankyou so much ☺️

Even writing things down here helps consolidate my thoughts 

[BPDSurvivor]

@Luca33 ,

What you are describing sounds only too familiar - that was me. I could get along with anyone outside, yet those closest to me saw nothing but horror. 

The internal instability of a borderline causes us to showcase something we are not. Those close see the true person because barriers are brought down. 

Id like to share the following clip with you:

Borderlines are emotional babies trapped in adult bodies. We have not yet developed the skills to comprehend situations 'rationally' and hence, you will sometimes find yourself dealing with the emotional tantrum and meltdown of a child.

From experience, talking therapy from a specialist over a sustained period of time was the only way I developed the strategies and skills to deal with my emotional instability. Close ones tried to support me but it would just end up in tears, arguments and regrets. 

I completed 18 months of intense MBT (mentalisation-based therapy) both group and individual therapy. I practised helpful relationship-preserving skills during group sessions, while I could also debrief and discuss other issues during my individual sessions. It helped a lot. It was a huge commitment though, and I had to be ready to make changes. BPD recovery does not happen with someone 'fixing' you. Therapists give you the strategies/tools and teach you how to use them, but ultimately, the pwBPD must put in the effort to use what they have learnt. 

My golly gosh it was hard work, but a very very very rewarding experience. 

Recovery is definitely possible for those with BPD.

BPDSurvivor

Thank you so much for tagging me @Anastasia . Much appreciated!

[Anastasia]

Thank you for offering your insight @BPDSurvivor , again I am so inspired by your journey xxxx

@Luca33 wishing you well with your partner

@PeachSoda 

[Luca33]

Amazing insight @BPDSurvivor ☺️

Trying not to react and fuel the fire has been my challenge. I'm tying to see what works and a little bit of space seems to help.

Appears to be a juggle, trying to play it cool but also keeping up my confidence and self-esteem in the process. Quite exhausting!

I get a little sneak peek sometimes of her true thoughts about me. I confided in some of my jealously fears today with her and I received a nice message saying "I don't want anyone else, I'm with you..".

I feel bad about needing that sort of reassurement, but I get so lost sometimes in this relationship, it resets my thoughts.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Luca33 ,

Another important aspect for relationships to work is setting boundaries. PwBPD can have fits of rage where they become unreasonable, aggressive, even abusive. Boundaries should be set beforehand so if this does happen, each person knows what to do. Because seriously, there's no point trying to reason with a borderline when they are triggered - you may as well be talking to a brick.

For me, I needed someone to set these boundaries with me initially. But now I am able to internalise the process and set the boundaries myself. For example, I will only call a friend between certain hours on certain days. This is because my tendency was to leech to friends and expect them to answer me at all hours of the day and night. If they did not respond, I'd 'hate' them and have an emotional meltdown.

So yes, for any relationship to work, there must be boundaries.

BPDSurvivor

[Luca33]

Well it happened the other week..

I broke up with her. very intense break up.

I had enough, and felt myself cracking.

I felt liberated at the time and since then have felt so many emotions.

She contacted me daily wanting to fix things.

I mentioned that the only way was us seeking help, not really offering it up but hinting towards the deep issues we face.

I surrendered and said it was all me. I wasn't going to win any battles.

I received the full gamut of emotions from her over the next few days, seeing so many different sides. She said she missed me, wanted to make it work. She was upset with me for giving up. Making me feel guilty, saying she was the only woman I could trust.

trying to remind me of the great sex etc.

She has since stopped contacting me and now I miss her so much. It hurts.

I ask myself, "was it really that bad?", "maybe it was me?".

I doubt myself, we had great times together, have I thrown something good away?

I know that I was codependent, I feel that. I really miss that which isn't super healthy.

All I want to do is run back, message her, talk to her. I know I shouldn't