Running

[ENKELI]

@avant-garde my sweetheart I wish I could give you hugs and let you cry on my shoulder for as long as you needed to.

While friends tell me I have God so I am blessed, I am reminded of what a friend said to me many years ago "Yes I have God, but God can't give me hugs."

If you want to hug my Enkeli teddy you can close your eyes and think of me holding you and stroking your back xo

[ENKELI]

@Jynx how did you become so wise, so caring and so beautiful?! You truly are an amazing person, caring for others in a way that I wouldn't be able to do like you.

I am being boring and making sgetti for dinner. I took out some lamb shanks to slow cook and forgot to put them on in time so that can be for tomorrow instead.

[Jynx]

@avant-garde of course hun. Sending some virtual hugs

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

You deserve to be able to feel like you are worthy of love and kindness. You don't deserve to be made to feel like you are hard to love, or too damaged, or too complex - because you're not. You've an incredibly kind and compassionate heart, and anyone who takes the time to listen and be patient would be able to see that. 

@ENKELI aww bless, make me all blushy why don't you!! Honestly, part of it is probably the 'recovering people-pleaser' in me, who spent many years trying to stave off SI by helping other people. But mostly it's that I truly believe that love is an infinite resource - no matter what emotional state I'm in, it doesn't stop me from loving. So many people (abusers especially) think we have a limited amount of love to give, or that it comes with conditions... for me, love is all about abundance, so it's really easy to spread it around the forums, cos it's never gonna run out! Also it's doubly easy to spread love and compassion and kindness around when I have folks like you to bounce off, who also share so much goodness in the space 😉

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

At least I'm talking about it right? 

Oh and in regards to my gender observation a few weeks ago... I don't know how to word this...

Is it just me or does hugging someone with a large bust size triggering?

One of the peer support workers yesterday wanted to hug me after what happened and I rushed out crying... after the meeting I asked for a hug and it wasn't what I expected, that well her bust was too big for a proper hug...

[Jynx]

For sure @avant-garde 💜

Hmm... an interesting question! I don't think it's a trigger point for me, mainly cos other's breasts don't tend to trigger my dysphoria, only my own. 

I wonder if it's because of it being unfamiliar for you, or too familiar (i.e. triggering past trauma memories)? 

The desire to be held is a very human one. Perhaps what you wanted was to be held, and what you got was hugged? IDK if that makes sense... 

Can chat on it more tomorrow though if you like. I hope you have a restful evening hun 💜

[avant-garde]

Hey @Jynx 

[Jynx]

Hey @avant-garde how are you going this arvo?

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

I want to curl up in a corner and cry

How are you?

[Jynx]

@avant-garde difficult day, hun? Or still feeling it from last night? 

I'm ok, mildly grumpy - in typical fashion there's a bunch of sportsy people playing sports in the oval behind my house. I'm happy for them, they're just very loud and shouty 😅

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

Last night and just writing, I'm not the kind to slow down until I have to, getting to the dissociative pressure point though... writing and posting relieves the pressure...

I was grumpy this morning with the idiot 2 doors down, his friend bouncing a soccer ball on the shared driveway even though there's a gate to the oval right next to his house. I felt like screaming "this is a driveway not a basketball court"