Running

[avant-garde]

There are various places nearby that are showing support for the LGBTQ community and it made me so so angry at how snooty my church can be, they speak so condescendingly about their gender diversity that I get riled up because of how strongly I relate to having been judged! 

I actually said to them on Tuesday that they're human too and how they identify doesn't change that, one of them agreed but they still went on with their conversation

What hurts though is that I was raised to believe I wasn't worth having around, I wasn't worth love and care and respect, I relate to the Samaritan woman, the outcasts, Mary Magdalene and Rahab. If I walked into church, trained as I was, how would they have treated me. 

I know what they think about the homeless and the different, they call them undesirables. I've been called that in my past. But my heart is for them, because when I was 20 I had someone tell me that I'm worth loving too.

[Jynx]

@avant-garde oh hun, that is so hard. The cognitive dissonance is so real in this situation hey. I know how important church is for you, the sense of belonging and community and that sense of sharing your faith - but to then have to listen to them speak on things in a way that runs so against the things you believe in and the values you hold, ugh that is so hard. 

I can tell you now that you exemplify what a true ally is, at least in my books. There's a sense of this deep, deep empathy you hold, because you know what it is like to be hated on or treated like crap just for who you are. And because (and I don't wanna put words in your mouth so tell me if I'm off the mark) you hold firm to the idea that God loves all his children, regardless of how they identify. 

Is there anything that feels particularly heavy or that's weighing on your mind a lot about this? 

Also I extend my deepest gratitude for your unwavering support for the queer community. It honestly means a lot 💜

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

It's what my therapist asked me yesterday, she questioned whether I'm certain of what I identify as. She asked me outright if I'm sure I identify as female. 

What this screams at me is that she doubts my ability to know myself. 

It challenged me so so hard, not in terms of my identity but in terms of my ability to trust myself which I have worked so so hard to overcome

[Jynx]

Aww hun, I'm sorry that it made you doubt yourself @avant-garde that is rough. Do you feel it's worth mentioning to her, how it made you feel? If I were to hazard a guess, it sounds like she was maybe trying to create a space for you to come out, were it the case you needed to. But I'm hearing that what it felt like was this sense that she doesn't think you know yourself well enough to know how to identify, and maybe that has fractured the trust a little? 

Also, since coming out I don't think anyone has ever said to me 'but are you sure you're nonbinary?' and I kinda picture myself kinda giving a deadpan stare and just saying 'Yes.' then walking away. Even if I was unsure, I kinda think there's more tactful ways of bringing it up. Like even just asking first, 'Hey avant, since this has come up I was wondering if you'd like space to talk about your own experiences of gender?' as opposed to just 'but are u sure ur a girl'. SMH.

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

I talked to my case manager this morning who has known me for over 12 months and she helped me navigate how best to handle it, while I have the few Christians that I've told tell me to find a new therapist (can't exactly do that easily in government ones though).

This working relationship is still very new and so my therapist doesn't know me very well yet, she just knows some of what has happened to me. 

And although it feels ridiculous for someone to ask me that kind of question, your point of view has helped me to see how if I was that way inclined how I would be grateful for the opportunity to "come out".

But I also know myself well enough that I would have found a church that embraced that side of me too and I probably would've come out long ago!

But dare I say that part of this gender thing, that I feel like I need to "come out" as female almost! 

It has fractured the trust and I am going to talk to her about it because talking about the impact of her question may just help repair the trust that was fractured.

[Jynx]

@avant-garde I think that's super wise, especially if it's early on in the relationship. Even if she had good intentions, the survival part of our nervous system doesn't know that - all it knows is 'safe' and 'unsafe', trust or don't trust. Bringing it up can also help us gauge how well the therapist handles a relationship rupture - do they dig their heels in and maintain they did nothing wrong, or do they make space for our feelings and try to understand how we were impacted? Are they able to display humility, or are they defensive? It can be very telling. 

As a (totally optional) bit of fun - if you were to have a 'coming out' party to make dang sure everyone knows you're a woman, what would it look like?  😋

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

My head immediately goes to an adult baby shower with dare I say pink and streamers and banners that say "it's a girl" with me dressed like I'm going to prom!

[Jynx]

Love it @avant-garde!! I picture you also wearing this glittering tiara, like all rainbow fractal crystals - or maybe flowers!! Would you go glam or garden? Hehe 😋 

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

Garden, absolutely, a dark purple cocktail length dress with glittered embroidered flowers creating intricate patterns over the bodice and skirt, similar to the wedding dress I dreamed of as a child, but with a purple base dress rather than white. 

The tiara would be clear pieces of glass so it reflects rainbows whenever it is hit by light. 

I would also wear sneakers though.

[Jynx]

@avant-garde Oh I love it! What a vibe. I picture autumnal colours, really make the purple pop!

Also you are a woman after my own heart hahaha sneakers forever! 🤣💜