Running

[avant-garde]

@AuntGlow 

It's not easy being vulnerable, so thank you for acknowledging that

I will tell you if I need space from something

I think the fact that I'm asking for help in challenging this means that there's a part of me that doubts... I just don't know how big a part that is though

[AuntGlow]

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Of course. @avant-garde 

And I appreciate that. ☺️

It doesn't need to be big right now, knowing that it's there and you can see it (even a glimpse) is really wonderful. 

If you are able to tap into that space today - the part that's asking for help - what does it have to say? As in, why does it feel like it's important for you to try and challenge these beliefs? 

[avant-garde]

@AuntGlow 

I wrote this last night

TW: SA, religion

Content/trigger warning

my head I feel is grappling

contradictions in his words
he told me sex is what sanctified
but also no virginity is no worth

could my friend have been right?
that it was just manipulation?
could virginity simply be
a type of social construct?

but the Bible in the old laws
says for sex inside marriage
it alludes to virginity
but then there's also rape

virginity is lost in sex
sex is meant for marriage
then virginity is lost in marriage
but with rape that's not the case

rape is taking advantage
it means that I did nothing wrong
I was just a child
who was taught I don't belong

my virginity was taken
I had no control
his words, manipulation
to say I had no worth

my worth wasn't stolen from me
when my virginity was
God still chose to save me
after my virginity was gone

when he said I wasn't worth it
he was lying to me
Dinah, Tamar, Rahab
God still set them free

from rape to prostitution
no virginity in these stories
what was done didn't change God's love
and it didn't change their worth

could it be my friend was right?
that I could still be dressed in white?
that I'm as precious from times before?
that I could have intrinsic worth...

[AuntGlow]

Thank you so much for sharing this with me @avant-garde. 

Firstly, I want to validate just how understandable it is that you hold this belief - to have experienced this so young with someone you were taught to trust - of course it was confusing and painful messaging for you.

Even so, it seems you have found some answers throughout your poetry?

The queries and questions around 'could it be that I have intrinsic worth' show me that you're able to challenge this core belief. 

Perhaps, we could look at ways that intrinsic worth could feel safe for your nervous system to hold? For example, you have mentioned God here, so I am wondering if prayer could be helpful? 

💛

[avant-garde]

@AuntGlow 

Prayer and my Bible and scriptures are great but I know all those, I do all those... I wrote 24 poems on Psalm 139, one for each verse... poetry is like the battle between head and heart for me... it's how I grapple... it's how it shifts... poetry and music...

I had peer support group today and I was real about this... I needed some help with this... to feel less alone in this... I found out one of the regular participants... she said she wants to be like me... even before I shared...

Then after, they saw the strength it took to share something like that... it feels like the scales are starting to maybe tilt...