Running

[avant-garde]

@Ru-bee 

My aunt was a piece of work though... she was so jealous and purposefully cruel... she used my grandmother's death to hurt me so so deeply

This is part of what I wrote a few years ago

"My aunt didn't understand our relationship, she was jealous that I had what she wanted, that love that she never understood, I wasn't one to be associated with, the family's black sheep. My grandma though was my best friend and I was hers, she said I was the daughter she wanted, that her legacy of love was left with me, that our relationship wasn't an obligation, because I came back to her and made a point to develop a relationship with her, that the love we had for each other wasn't because we had too, but because we wanted to.

The night she died, it was 10pm and my aunt called me, said that gran wouldn't make it through the night, but I knew my grandma, she wouldn't want me to travel on public transport at 10pm for an hour, that it's not safe, she wouldn't want to put me in danger. My aunt wanted me there, but I knew my grandma wouldn't want me to do anything stupid to put myself in danger.

Then the funeral, and she asked me if there was anything that I wanted of gran's and all I wanted was the poetry book gran would read to me, she said she'd give it to me, but she gave it to my mum instead. Mum didn't care for the book with its brittle pages and used it as a coaster when she was reorganising my former room. I asked her for it, and after a bit of persuasion, I got it.

Then the ashes, my aunt said that she wanted me there when they spread the ashes, said they'd tell me, then I found out 2 weeks after they spread them, that it was already done."

She was also the one to blame me for my mum's situation and that it was my job now to rescue her...

[avant-garde]

@Ru-bee ?

[Ru-bee]

Sorry in my delayed reply @avant-garde, had a bit of busy work I had to attend to but I've been thinking of this and you 

I can't imagine the feelings of hurt and betrayal that you must have felt when you heard that the ashes had already been spread. Did you have your own opportunity to say goodbye to your grandmother after this in a way that way meaningful to you?

I'm very glad to hear that you have that poetry book, what a beautiful reminder of that time spent with your loved one.

[avant-garde]

@Ru-bee the first thing I did when I got my redress was go and purchase a memorial amongst the roses at the cemetery.

My aunt didn't think she deserved to be remembered and so there was no memorial, no nothing. 

That's my spot, I'll find a day to visit her soon

[tyme]

redress @avant-garde ?

[avant-garde]

@tyme 

Redress scheme into child institutional sexual abuse

[tyme]

Ahhhh @avant-garde . Thanks for clarifying. It must've been so hard. 

At the same time, it is so precious you can celebrate the life of your grandmother despite the ills from other family members.

[avant-garde]

@tyme 

"In her final few weeks she was in and out of hospital, I was in a church that said my grandma would be healed if I just fasted and prayed enough, that God would heal her cancer. But when she died, they said it was my fault, that I didn't fast enough, I didn't pray enough, that if I wanted her alive, I would have done more and she would be here with me. That it was my fault that she's dead. It took me 3 years to stop blaming myself, she was 90 years old with cancer."

I'm glad it happened the way it did, I got to be honest in my grief and have a spot where I don't have to be afraid of being seen by family

[tyme]

Doesn't matter what we do. When it's time, it's time. Look at King Hezekiah? He still eventually died. @avant-garde 

I hear the grieving is hard. I personally feel that people who say such things have such earthly, tunnel vision.

[avant-garde]

@tyme 

Quiz tomorrow, had to go to Bunnings to get matches because everywhere I checked didn't have matchboxes with or without matches