What I hoped and dreamed of.

[florencefifty]

Life sucks.

The Super Bowl didn’t have the outcome I was hoping for. It just wasn’t the same this year. The Taylor Swift Bowl. 

Valentine’s Day is coming up. I’m going to be preparing for an arranged marriage, getting aggressive skin treatment that night. How romantic… I keep saying “here’s to hoping next year will be better”, but I say that every year.

This is not the life I hoped and dreamed of, but what is?

An arranged marriage is like studying to be a doctor, getting your degree and then working in retail for the long haul because you couldn’t find another job. It sucks, it’s not exactly fuzzy wuzzy, but it’s life. You just have to deal with it. Yay…

I have to cancel tomorrow’s appointment with my psychologist, because I didn’t tell work.

I have been cancelling and rescheduling and cancelling and rescheduling… last time she said this:

Hello.

Thank you for your email. It's important for therapy that we have consistency in the frequency that we see each other otherwise, we will not have any success in attaining your goals for therapy. I understand that sometimes it can be difficult to prioritise therapy due to work commitments, but I have made an exception for you and come in early to afford you the opportunity to have your sessions. I care about your progress; thus, I would like you to think about your values, your commitment to yourself and your emotional well-being.

Change can happen, but it requires consistent commitment, not compliance but a commitment to yourself.

My question to you is: How much do you want to change?

She then sent me a reminder e-mail to confirm I won’t just forget about it. It’s going to be pretty tough to respond by saying that I’m going to have to cancel again on short notice.

Psychotherapy isn’t what I hoped and dreamed of either.

It’ll keep my heart beating, and this is before I go out into the “real world” and face the rental crisis and the cost of living crisis and the youth crime crisis and the monstrous gamut of other things.

Hopes and dreams are just illusions.

I promise I’ll post more concrete and/or positive stuff soon.

[Xibon]

Hello @florencefifty, I want to extend my heartfelt gratitude that you've reached out here ❤️

I'm sorry so many things feel out of your control. I empathise with your situation, and it would feel so frustrating to be in a situation where things seem like they have been determined for you. Your anguish from a loss of agency and disatisfaction with how things are is valid, and will not be diminished here.

I'm sorry also that you've ended up in a therapeutic scenario which does not suit you. Psychotherapy can be so pathologising and invalidating of one's desires or experiences. I know you feel distressed that you'll be letting your psychologist down, but that is absolutely not the case. If this type of therapy is not comfortable for you, I wonder if other therapeutic outlets might be more beneficial. What would your ideal therapeutic alliance look like, if I may ask?

Hoping you treat yourself with kindness, and that you know you are not alone 🙂

[Jasper_123]

Hi @florencefifty , it sounds like you are struggling quite a bit with your current circumstances. Have you tried using a calendar app like google calendar or something else? It can be so tough to keep on top of all of the commitments of adulthood without some help! Your therapist is right though, how are you going to see the changes you seek and the things you dream of without putting in the hours? Is there another time you could do more consistently that doesn't clash with work?