TW: it feels like I'm drowning

[creative_writer]

@tymeI guess I’m sort of a perfectionist by nature. Feeling a bit better today. But still feeling some of the after effects of the rough day I had yesterday. Hyper arousal is still there, but I’ve sort of been stuck in flight and fight mode it’s hard to get unstuck. I feel like everyone else is going on with their life, here I am, still on the mend. Like there is something wrong with me. 

[creative_writer]

I think at this stage I’m probably becoming annoying. Getting through each day in one piece has been hard. When does it get better? Will the SH and suicidal urges ever leave? I know suicide isn’t supposed to be an option, but am I really worth it? I am safe right now.

[creative_writer]

Feeling like a worthless piece of s**t. I don’t think I want to quit SH. If it keeps me alive and if I’m careful when doing it I’ll be safe and okay.

[TideisTurning]

Hey @creative_writer, 

Things sound really tough for you right now and I'm sorry to hear your feelings of worthlessness. It sounds like you've found a way of coping that works for you, though as you've identified, it is important to consider safety when engaging with SH. I'm wondering if you've thought about ways to promote safety if the need to engage in self harm arises? Some of the things mentioned here may help provide you with some ideas to start off. 

[creative_writer]

@TideisTurning thank you for that resource. I’m just having a rough day. I don’t know what else to say. Just very deflated.

[hanami]

Rough days are hard @creative_writer ....really hard!

I hope things get better for you. I'm here thinking of you if you need to talk some more.

hanami 💮

[creative_writer]

@hanami I just feel utterly broken beyond repair. I know SA is not even that uncommon and many people get through it. I honestly don’t feel strong enough. Feeling like I’m on the verge of tears a lot of the time lately. If only I could separate myself from the past.

[hanami]

Oh @creative_writer that's not a good feeling. It doesn't matter that SA is not uncommon, it is still a traumatising experience that is/can be ongoing throughout one's life. Forgive me if you have discussed this already but as I'm new I'm unsure if you have had counselling/support regarding your SA? I can only imagine this feeling of brokennesss. It must be debilitating. You are definitely not beyond repair. You are worthy of a good and happy life 🦋

[creative_writer]

@hanami I’m seeing a psychologist for it, she’s the only health professional I’ve felt comfortable talking about this. I got my appointment moved earlier so it’s on Wednesday now. It was very traumatic. I only realised in my twenties that I probably had trauma symptoms since I was 19. I’m already 27 now. It’s been a while since I’ve been coping with this.

[hanami]

l'm glad you got your appointment brought forward. That's great you've found someone to talk to about things 💝