TW: it feels like I'm drowning

[Former-Member]

Hey @creative_writer,

That's completely understandable, I don't like to cry in public either. It's a lot more comfortable to do from the comfort of your couch/bed/safe place, so that's really great that you were able to utilise the text based chat instead. Look at you go, identified your needs and putting supports in place 👏 That was a part of my recovery that took a long time to get to so kudos for that.

I also find that when I'm sleep deprived my thoughts around SA tend to flare up. It's an awful double whammy, so taking care of yourself in the ways you've mentioned is brilliant.

Every time I'm in the forums the collective resilience never ceases to amaze me, and what you've described here (as hard as I have no doubt it is) is the epitome of that 💙

Rhye ☘️

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member ❤️. I just took a shower, was relaxed that forgot about things for a while. I’m doing better, but trauma is trauma at the end of the day, it taking a while to really heal from SA. I can imagine therapy helping me heal, but at this point it feels impossible to get to a stage when it doesn’t hurt anymore.

[Former-Member]

I'm not sure it ever stops hurting, as you've eluded to 💜

What can happen though is that the pain is less intense and/or is felt less frequently. It's kind of like grief in a way, now that I think about it...one day you're deep in the depths and it feels like it won't ever end, and then at some point along that road you lift your head and realise you haven't felt it in the same way for a long time, and that my friend is recovery 😊 

It isn't linear, and it is not easy, but it does get better. I say this as someone who is sitting on the other side of where you are and I too felt like there wouldn't be a time that it didn't cripple me. Yet here I am today, writing this to you with a gentle smile and a warmth in my heart because I know with the right support this won't weigh you down forever.

Rhye ☘️

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member I think this is grief in a sense. I feel like I’ve lost my sense of self. I feel like I’ve lost my sense of safety in the world. I know some of the emotions I’m feeling don’t really have a logical basis but I still feel them like shame.

I’ve been drifting in and out of assignments for the past hour or so. Feel so distracted. I feel so lost, sad, fearful and lonely.

[tyme]

How are things for you at the moment @creative_writer ?

All the best with your assignments. Then again, if you're body and brain is telling you you need a break, perhaps that's the way to go?

Sitting with you,

tyme

[creative_writer]

@tyme feeling anxious and sleepy here. I’ve taken my medication and will try to get some sleep.

[creative_writer]

Slowly sinks into the ocean……

[creative_writer]

I feel so lonely….just floating into space.

[creative_writer]

Having an existential crisis. Things feel so meaningless and hopeless. So much wasted effort and time. I mean at the end of the day we all have to leave, alone. Honestly I think I’ll have to SH so I don’t do anything worse.

[cloudcore]

Hi @creative_writer ,

I can hear things are really difficult at the moment, and you're looking to SH to cope with those feelings of hopelessness. 

If you're feeling unsafe, we would really encourage you to reach out to crisis supports tonight like Lifeline on 13 11 14 or emergency services. I will check in with you via email as well.

Here with you,

cloudcore