TW: it feels like I'm drowning

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 I think part of it is a self-protection mechanism. It doesn’t make sense to trust people when one is on high alert. Maybe it’s a normal response to feel disconnected from others. It’s like I’m surrounded by barriers that are impossible to break, that I’m not myself around most people. It’s strange thinking about how common trauma is, yet it’s so easy to feel like it’s only you and nobody would really get it.

[Zoe7]

Yes it certainly is a self protection mechanism @creative_writer I have felt that so often myself. I think trauma puts up those barriers for us as we are very well aware of what life can throw at us and are always on high alert because of it. It is a hard one to deal with. ...and talking about trauma is even harder. We do not disclose this to many because it is so personal and so hard but your are right - trauma is often more common than we realise.

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 today I was stuck in a pit and didn’t really get much done. I felt trapped and confused. I think I tried to avoid my emotions later in the day by procrastinating. I seriously have a unhealthy relationship with my phone. Called Sane because I was in a mess and felt a bit better afterwards. Really need to try to get some sleep so I can spend tom morning working on assignments.

[Zoe7]

Hey @creative_writer 💗 I have always found SANE helpcentre to be amazing so I am glad you called them. Those feelings you have are really hard to get on top of Hon. Can you pinpoint what is making you feel trapped and confused? Sometimes it is just our lives as a whole but if we can break it down and 'name' what is happening we can often find ways to deal with each part separately. I find trying to deal with such big emotions really hard but once I can separate what is happening in my mind then it becomes easier to deal with. 

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 I think it’s a whole range of things to be fair. There’s obviously my long term mental health concerns, uni stress, post viral fatigue and perhaps hormones in the mix too. I also had a brief period of aura just earlier today, migraine isn’t as bad as it couldve gotten, I’m at least glade for that and hope it stays that way. Right now I feel tired and want to sleep.

[Zoe7]

Hearing you @creative_writer MI is hard enough with everything else on top of that. Just take it as it comes Hon, do what you can and rest if you need. Sometimes are bodies tell us well before we acknowledge it what we need.

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 tom is another day. I guess it’s just exhaustion. I feel more relaxed but just very exhausted and drained. Probably because quite a bit has been happening lately. I sure hope that things really normalise tom so I can be more productive with uni and fit in a workout session.

[creative_writer]

My mind is trying to justify self-destruction. I’m safe for now, but it’s building up. I feel like I can’t call anyone or I’m going to cry.

[Former-Member]

Hi there @creative_writer,

It sounds like you're sitting with a lot of heavy thoughts and feelings this afternoon. I know you said that you don't want to call anyone because you might cry, but I'm wondering if crying might not be such a bad thing? Would you be open to giving a support line a call?

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member I have this weird relationship with crying. Like whenever I start crying during the day I try to hold it back, because I don’t want to cry in front of other people and I was afraid of my voice being muffled and the person on the other end would not understand what I was saying. I did do a chat instead, that helped some too. Had some anti-inflammatory tea and supplement for migraine too which also relaxed me a bit. I’m sleep deprived and I am probably extra cranky. Thinking about past SA experiences have driven me insane today. I am safe, SH and suicide are just thoughts right now.