Hi @Xerox-ofa-xero
Thank you so much for sharing this. What you are describing is an incredibly exhausting cycle, but I want to start off by validating something important: the fact that your brain tells you 'you're fine' right before an appointment sounds like a hallmark symptom of high-functioning anxiety (although I cannot diagnose this myself, but it is worth thinking about and discussing with a professional).
It is a defence mechanism. Your brain has become so accustomed to living in a state of high alert - that heightened way of living you mentioned - that it views the prospect of help as a threat to its current survival strategy. I have been like that myself for most of my life, so I can understand where you are coming from. It's not that you aren't struggling; it's that your mind is trying to protect you from the vulnerability of opening up. The brain is certainly a weird, wonderful, sometimes annoying, but fascinating thing.
I wanted to take the opportunity to share some perspective from my own experience and what I have learned, along with some tips that might be useful to you, especially with your upcoming appointment. It's okay if they don't resonate or work for you; everyone is different, so not everything will work for everyone.
- Reframe the "I'm Fine" Feeling: with your appointment coming up, when you get close to the clinic and suddenly feel like you've made it all up, try to label that feeling. Instead of believing "I am actually okay," try saying to yourself, "this is the part of my anxiety that is scared of change". Recognising that 'feeling fine' is actually a symptom of your fear can help you push through the door.
- The "Letter to Your Future Self": since your brain tends to gaslight you when you're in a period of temporary stability, document your experience right now. Write down exactly how the burnout feels, the nature of paranoia, and the weight of the self-reassurance you have to do. When the urge to cancel the appointment hits, read the letter you wrote. It serves as an objective record of your reality that your anxiety cannot argue with.
- Use the "Handover" Method: if you're worried that you'll get into the clinic and your mind will go blank, or that you'll downplay your symptoms, bring a physical copy of what you have written here and any other information you'd like to include. You can literally hand it to the professional and say, "I have trouble articulating this in the moment because I tend to minimise my pain. Please read this". It takes the pressure off you to 'perform' wellness.
- Acknowledge the "Heightened" Norm: You mentioned you don't know anything beyond this heightened state. This is very common for people who have survived long-term stressors in their lives, including myself. Peace can actually feel 'boring' or even 'dangerous' to a nervous system accustomed to chaos and pressure. Healing isn't just about removing the anxiety; it's about slowly teaching your body that it is safe to be calm.
- Shift from "Self-Sabotage" to "Self-Protection": try to be a little kinder to yourself about the last-minute backing out. You aren't 'failing' at therapy; you are a person whose nervous system is trying really hard to keep you safe in the only way that it knows how (by keeping you working and moving). You are not broken; you're just over-indexed on survival.
You absolutely deserve the help that you are seeking. Setting this appointment - especially while being so aware of your tendency to pull back - is an act of profound bravery, and I am so very proud of you! You are fighting for a version of yourself that doesn't have to live in a state of 'burnout and crash'. Hold onto that.
Take care 💚
