Riding a wave

[Catcakes]

Oh my @Phoenix_Rising, I’m still processing that story about F... I’m wondering what to say😔
That you are so brave you write it here,
That you are an amazing keep swimminger
And somehow we do have things in common but not the number 16, and a different kind of abuse and a different kind of health prof.
I’ll write more later my friend💐

[Phoenix_Rising]

Good night Forum Land. Good night @Former-Member. Super big thank you for watching over the ocean tonight.  

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

I have a super super super giant wave and I feel utterly utterly hopeless.

HOW could my turtle whisperer dump me two days before I saw TTT. How could my soul die TWO DAYS before I found her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know my turtle whisperer has absolutely no idea of the harm she has done. 

Yesterday TTT and I were talking about some of the things that Fred used to say. TTT said that it was super wrong for Fred to tell me it was my fault that he would totally lose it at me. She said that this was victim blaming. But I pointed out that my turtle whisperer also couldn't cope with me, and thus dumped me. And how many other people have dumped me over the years!!!! It IS my fault. My turtle whisperer still works with other clients. When I asked her boss if it was appropriate for her to be working with clients if she wasn't coping, her boss told me that it was only ME that she couldn't cope with. It's ME!!!! There is something about me that people simply can't stand to be around. My turtle whisperer couldn't commit to staying with me until the end of January. How awful must I be if she couldn't stand to spend just one hour a week with me for a few more weeks while TTT and I find our way. How can it NOT be my fault that Fred used to totally lose it at me, when my turtle whisperer got burnt out from working with me after FOUR MONTHS. All she had to do was stay. 

I super super super want to die tonight. I super like TTT, but she isn't a magician - even though she sarcastically said "yeah right, because I'm magic" when I told her how my turtle whisperer's boss seemed to brush off the whole issue of my turtle whisperer dumping me with "well you've got TTT now." It's like neither my turtle whisperer or her boss have any idea what it has meant to be dumped by her. 

I'm super glad that TTT gets it. I'm glad she openly showed her disgust that my turtle whisperer would dump me like that. TTT is awesome...but she still isn't a magician and realistically, I can't see there is any way in hell that we are ever going to get anywhere trying to unmuddle my muddle at a rate of 50 minutes a week. 

How could my turtle whisperer make my muddle so much bigger just two days before I met TTT. How can the Universe be so utterly cruel? I super super super wish I had someone I could call tonight. I so very very very badly wish I had someone here in the real world.

I do not matter,

I'm only one person,

Destroy me completely,

Then throw me away. 

[Former-Member]

@Phoenix_Rising if this forum wasn't anonymous you could call me and teddy. 

One of the helplines and just dump it all on them? Would that help?

Wish I could do something to help out somehow. 

[Catcakes]

Hi @Phoenix-Rising👋🏼
I was wondering what to say but what came to mind was a song by The Rolling Stones....
Well if you’s Just put your hand in mine (or TTT’s)
We’re gonna leave all your troubles behind
Just walk (or swim) and don’t look back
Don’t look back....

Do you know this song?
It has a great reggae beat and goes well with
Ocean and beach settings.
Today I was listening to mindfulness while driving home ( not sure if this is recommended but it works for me)
And I was practising the half-smile....
Do you know this exercise.
It’s tricky and it makes my cheeks quiver 🤓🤓🤓

[Phoenix_Rising]

Thank you for the offer of teddy @Former-Member. 

Lifeline and the SCBS hang up on me. The only place I call is SANE, but there are rules about when I can call and I can't call now. 

I read your list of reasons why you believe you are bad. I have a very similar list, 5-HT, so I guess that makes me bad too. 

I'm so bad that:

• Every friend I ever had, has gone.
• My siblings and I parted ways after my mother's funeral 13 years ago. I have no idea where they are or even if they are alive.
• I've been thrown out of two churches.
• My psychologist of 16 years told me that I was evil, a stupid f*ucking shit, a monster, and a f*cking irritant.
• I've had four restraining orders taken out against me.
• I've had other people threaten legal action if I didn't stay away from them.
• One psychologist dumped me, telling Victims Services she was traumatised from working with me.
• (A) banned me from her office.
• A psychiatrist refused to even meet me after getting some information about me from my GP.
• The neurofeedback psychologist dumped me.
• And of course, most recently, my turtle whisperer dumped me. 

Like you @Former-Member, there is a whole lot more that I choose not to share in Forum Land. You mentioned that you cannot conceive of another person being so intrinsically and fundamentally bad. How is my list any different to yours???

[Former-Member]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

Just wanted to know that I hear your super muddle tonight and am happy to ride those super super super waves with you tonight 

[CheerBear]

You matter so very much @Phoenix_Rising.

I have been missing you today and was hoping that you were off being busy with data or something fun for you. I'm so sorry you've been so hurt in your life. I wish you had someone there in the real world. We are here in this world with you and that isn't the same but we are here.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Thank you for dropping by the super stormy ocean @Catcakes and for thinking of such a nice song to play on such a stormy ocean. 

I like the half-smiling exercise.

I think it's ok to mindfully drive, but I'm not so sure about doing other mindfulness stuff while driving! 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Thank you for dropping by @Former-Member. 

@CheerBear I actually was playing with data for most of the day. The weight of my muddle just fell very heavily very quickly. I like TTT such a lot...but the muddle is so big now. Being dumped by my turtle whisperer has added a whole new gigantic layer to the muddle. I don't see how it is that she and her boss can't see this. I mean they ARE psychologists! You'd think they'd have some idea! But no, their attitude seems to be that I have TTT now so it doesn't matter at all that yet another person has walked out of my life in such a super unhelpful way. 

I still keep getting flashbacks of the moment when I was begging my turtle whisperer not to do this. But she did, and my soul has died, and now I don't even know what "getting better" looks like anymore.