Riding a wave

[Shaz51]

Sitting with you @Phoenix_Rising

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member Super super super big thank you for checking in. I have pretty much given up asking because most of the evening moderators ignore me when I ask for a check in and it super super hurts. Super big thank you for caring enough to check in. 

[CheerBear]

 I am so SO glad to see you @Phoenix_Rising. My heart was getting sad as I had a feeling you were struggling lots. I am so sorry to hear you believe your soul has died. I can understand how the recent events have led to that belief. Soul stuff hurts me lots 😞

It would hurt so much to love people who don't want you in their life. It hurts me to love people I can not have in my life, a lot. It's not the same but it seems similar maybe. I am so glad that you are in my life. You make me feel safe, you keep me company, you understand me and get it without needing to know, and you share you, and I like you for being you.

It is scary to have experienced the pain of people leaving and people not being there anymore Phoenix_Rising. It makes friends scary, it makes people connections feel scary. I respect that so much.

I didn't post about my day over that way because it was a bit of rushy day until I popped in here and had a quick wander around. I thought that maybe you would like to come along to a LF Chrismas thing tonight, and hoped you wouldn't mind that I took you in my handbag as I enjoy our together-but-not adventures. Did you see little Puffer Fish find their song? They were soooo confident and so much enjoyed the dancing and tinsel and music. Big and Clown fish have no problem being in front of people and they lapped it all up, which was great. Thank you for seeing that my LF are very cool ones. I think they would really like you for you too.

I will try to remember not to play leap frog with Pokey - thanks for the heads up again haha!

It's time for me to be heading out of the forum too but I will be back tomorrow also, for a little bit of a less rushy day (hopefully).

Night Phoenix_Rising.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Good morning @CheerBear,

Super big thank you for your post last night. It's weird...even though I super hurt, in a way I don't hurt as much as you might imagine. I think this is because my soul has died. You know how someone with extremely severe burns actually experiences less pain than someone with more superficial burns? I think it's like that. I think an utterly destroyed soul hurts less than a broken soul. I feel more empty and numb than actually sad. It's over, CheerBear. I've known all year that Forum Land would be my last stop in terms of trying to connect with other human beings. I've failed at the family thing, I've failed at the friend thing, and I've failed at the connect-online thing...except with one pesky little carebear. I don't feel anything anymore. CherryBomb left and everyone else I felt a strong sense of connection with; Rockpool, Pebbles, Lunar, have fallen silent. I feel utterly alone...except for one pesky little carebear. 

You are right in saying that not being able to be with those you love is similar but also a bit different to having those people reject you. It's similar in that in both instances, we can't be with the people we love, but it is different because you know in your inside that it isn't because they don't WANT to be with you. The objective reality of my world is that there are 7.5 billion people on this planet and not a single one who wants to spend time with me. How does anyone live with that, CheerBear?

I was SO excited to see Puffer Fish find their song! I'm super glad you took me along in your handbag. I'm also glad I don't have ears because I got the sense that last night was rather loud! 

It is so cool to see your three LF so confident in front of people. They are awesome, resilient, amazing LF. 

I plan to be in Forum Land for a little while longer this morning, and then I will reappear for Topic Tuesday this evening. My sleeping patterns are totally out of whack and aside from Topic Tuesday and Friday Feast, I am planning to try and leave Forum Land earlier in the evenings. The last two nights I've had a new only-in-ultra-emergencies medication to try and get my sleep pattern back under control. The pharmacist said I should only take it for 3-5 nights. The good bit is that I'm bouncing out of bed at 4am with loads of energy. I'm not complaining about that at all! My goal is to avoid daytime napping and go to bed a bit earlier.  

Hello @Former-Member, I can see you hiding under the like button. 

I hope today has some good in it for you @CheerBear and @Former-Member. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member would you like to hang out on the ocean with me today? I feel superly duperly alone and it is a pretty nice day to be out on the ocean. @NikNik @Former-Member, would you like to hang out on the ocean too?

[Former-Member]

I would like to hang out in the ocean today @Phoenix_Rising 🙂 that sounds nice, I am sure you have some natural sun protection, but because it is so hot I have brought along some hats for us

[Former-Member]

You're not alone @Phoenix_Rising

Whilst I'm still not much of a 'water' dinosaur, I can be persuaded to jump in on occasion!

[CheerBear]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising and anyone on the ocean today.

Your dinosaurs make me smile @Former-Member 🙂

I think I can understand the soul dying and not feeling hurt thing, or at least I can hear what it is like. My soul feels crushed and shattered sometimes, and sometimes it makes things that would usually really hurt, kind of not hurt. That's often when "I'm done" are words that come can come into my head and out of my mouth. It's like switch off, it's over, I am finished now, just stop. I am guessing that maybe it is like a self-protection sort of mode, maybe a bit like freeze mode when my head senses danger with no escape. I am curious to know whether you think souls can be revived if you ever want to share that one.

I am so sorry you feel utterly alone. I really am.

I was thinking a little about your post when I was linking the love thing. I realised that I don't know what it is like to love people who don't want me in their world, and even thinking about it makes me feel hurt. That I love people who I can't be with because of one someone, makes me so incredibly angry. It makes me hate the way the world works sometimes and it makes me question what is wrong with the world and some of the people in it. It makes me wonder why I bother trying when it could come crashing down again in an instant. What I think of and hear about your situation is that what happens with you makes you question what is wrong with you. That would be a whole different lot of stuff. You mentioned yesterday how hard it is to get the feedback you need to understand, when those who may have the answers completely leave. I feel so frustrated to think that you, as someone who knows what it is that could help you and tries so hard to get it, gets knocked down like you do.

I don't know how you live with that. I don't know how I can live in my world as it is sometimes either. I know, as I know you know too, that I have to be here in this world to see whether there is an answer to that and right now that seems like the right thing for me to do.

Sleeping stuff sucks too. Hope you can get it back into a pattern soon. I use my fairly standard emergency use only med sometimes to help break a cycle early and I am thankful that I have a super sensitive brain when it comes to this one at least. But it doesn't help me stay asleep past when the time starts with a T or an F often, which can be a bit annoying sometimes.

Last night was loud and very sparkly. Almost too sparkly, even for me (except that it wasn't as I am not sure there's such a thing as "too sparkly" :P)

I'm hoping to linger around Topic Tuesday tonight because I am interested but I have a feeling I won't have much to contribute and Christmas is a bit hit and miss with me in terms of hurty/yay/ugh/I'm over it/can't wait for it etc - total rollercoaster! It also feels like it is about a million degrees today and the littles don't cope in a hot house so I may have some wonky ahead. Big called it a Jelly Day the other day. Out of the blue they said their day felt like jelly in that it was wobbly. I wanted to mention that to you as I really liked it.

Hope the rest of your day goes/is going well. Off to play eat the lollies now. Not going to complain about that one 😄

[Phoenix_Rising]

Thank you for hanging out on the ocean with me @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Former-Member @CheerBear. 

@CheerBear I'm not at all sure if my soul is reviveable this time around. It has been dying all this year and I think having my turtle whisperer dump me was the final straw. I'm really not at all sure it is fixable now. 

I keep hearing my turtle whisperer in my brain, challenging what Fred said about how no one else would stay and that I'm too f*cked up for anyone else to treat. And then a few months later she dumped me. 

The issue is very much ME, CheerBear. There is something fundamentally wrong with my way of being in the world, that makes people unable to stand being around me in real life (or even on the phone!!!!). The four restraining orders, and the super long list of people who have bailed out, including my turtle whisperer, attests to that fact. I know that a big part of why I'm in this mess is because everyone is so obsessed with the positive reframing thing, they keep trying to tell me stupid stuff such as that I just haven't met the right people yet, rather than actually HELPING me. And now I am 40 years old. I've missed the typical developmental milestones of young adulthood (e.g. relationship, kids) and I have pretty much no idea how to communicate with people in real life without annoying the hell out of them. So...yeah, I'm really not sure that this muddle is fixable now and I really don't know how to live with it.

If I could just get into employment. That was always the plan - that I would have a career that consumed my energy and time and also met my relatively small social contact needs. How DOES anyone keep on keeping on with no family, no friends, and no job? How does anyone create a life worth living out of that? I am superly duperly glad you are my not-friend @CheerBear. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

@NikNik could I please sleep in your nutella jar tonight? {Asks Phoenix__Rising while not bothering to wait for a "yes" before climbing into NikNik's nutella jar}.