Riding a wave

[Former-Member]

I have no idea what other people mean. I personally struggle with that whole concept for several reasons … the love bit, the forever bit, the people bit.

I love Edie-Cat and I will love her forever (even though I don’t see a future for myself which makes forever quite small). But people … people aren’t so easy—they are messy and they change and so often cause so much hurt. I do care a lot (too much probably) about people though.

That totally doesn’t answer your question, I know @Phoenix_Rising. 

[CheerBear]

Haha you and Puffer fish would definitely get along @Phoenix_Rising

I don't know how to explain it for me in a not fluffy way. I get a warm inside feeling when I think about someone I will love forever. It means when I think of them I feel something happen in my body. I might not think about them everyday, but sometimes something will catch me that will remind me of them and even just for a moment, I get that feeling. It's feeling more than action maybe. It's a great feeling, and with that comes longing to feel more of it maybe.

Sorry, that's about as not fluffy as I can go with something that is all fluffy to me, like love :S

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member TTT does sound pretty cool doesn't she, based on the description of her office. Even though I still think it would be safer to begin sessions via the phone, I am less anxious about going to her office after hearing her description of it. I super like the fact that she said it doesn't matter if any of the things on her table get broken. That kind-of tells me she is used to people expressing very big feelings. 

I also super liked the fact that during the phone call, TTT told me when we had 10 minutes to go and then 2 minutes to go. That tells me that she "gets" how super helpful it is to have that sort of structure and those warnings about what's going to happen when. This is what has crushed me re. my turtle whisperer. She seems to have no sense of how huge it is for me to have barely adjusted to the idea of her dumping me at the end of January, to then turn around and change the plan again. The fact that TTT knew to give those warnings without being told that this is something I find super helpful, makes me think she "gets" this stuff. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear I SUPER wish I could hang out with puffer fish. That warm inside feeling you get is called oxytocin. 

@Former-Member your answer super does help in that it tells me I'm not alone in not understanding it. 

[CheerBear]

This is reminding me a little of another time we chatted about warm fuzzies vs sciencey stuff @Phoenix_Rising 😉 I think there is more to it but of course I have no idea what that is and no words to find it and that is based entirely on my feelings and not on fact at all, so I respect that it probably doesn't mean much to hear that. 

[Teej]

Sorry I dropped off for a bit @Phoenix_Rising. I think that I tend to agree with @CheerBear with the love thing although perhaps I see it as a warm fuzzy feeling and a tru fondness for. This year I’ve questioned what love is again. It’s kind of ironic @Phoenix_Rising because this time last year I was very spooked above the giving of love on the forum and wrote a long post on it. I was struggling with that word so much and confused and conflicted by it on the forum too.......but I came to put it in a place I can deal with and now use the word too. There are so many people that have come and gone or who are still here who have showed me kindness and a caring that was unknown to me before. They will always have a place in my heart and I will always smile when I think of them and feel warmth from having them in my life. I’m not sure if this is just as fluffy and vague. I see it as a kind of love. I think there are lots of kids of love.......you can love inanimate objects too like I will say I love my plants/garden etc.......it means I think with fondness and warmth when I think about it and if one of my plants die I genuinely feel sad and sometimes angry that it did. Not sure if this helps. 

[Former-Member]

Everything you’ve shared about TTT so far makes her sound like a super helpful helping person who actually gets it. I look forward to receiving my clone in the mail, @Phoenix_Rising. 😊

[Phoenix_Rising]

Alright @CheerBear @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope and anyone else lurking around the ocean tonight, it is time for this little turtle to snuggle into her shell. I will be taking only-in-emergencies medication tonight so all will be well for the next few hours. Then in the morning, I WILL make it to the Christmas thread. 

I feel sad because I was part-way through making Zoe's birthday present when I had my session with my turtle whisperer, and of course nothing has happened since that ended.  

Super big thank you for riding this gigantic wave with me. Yay for my awesome wave-riding skills. Good thing I'm a sea turtle! I still have a 100% success rate of surviving every single day living with BPD. I will definitely survive long enough to meet TTT. Here's hoping she is as awesome as her office sounds!

@CheerBear can the whole pocket crew sleep in your pocket tonight? I'm going to snuggle in there and listen to the story that bookish suggested. 

Good night my not friend, my yimaisly acquaintance and my trusty bridge builder. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Ps. Night @Teej. 

[Former-Member]

Night, @Phoenix_Rising. You’ve totally got this and we’ve totally got your back (or shell as the case may be). Thank you for being you. 🌷🐢