@CheerBear The super hard thing is that we can count down the hours until I see TTT, but the reality is that nothing much is going to change after that time is it. I mean, it isn't like she is going to fix my brain in 50 minutes is it! We will talk, and then she will vanish from my world again. I have no idea if I'll be able to see her again before Christmas, nor how long she will be on leave for over the Christmas period.
However you look at it, I am back to being a flattened pancake turtle for however long it takes for the big feelings to move through. How can helping people be so amazingly unhelpful, CheerBear!!!!! 
Thank you @Teej,
I feel utterly utterly utterly bewildered. It was already all planned that we would finish up at the end of January. She will be away for a few weeks over Christmas anyway. All I needed was for her to provide some support to help me make the transition to TTT. That's all I needed. We both knew I was transitioning to TTT. I simply don't know how to not hate myself, knowing that being around me is SO difficult, that she couldn't hang in there for just a few more weeks. All I can hear in my brain is Fred telling me that he was the only one who would ever stay and that I'm too f*cked up for anyone else to treat. How can anyone continue to say he is wrong after 2 years and 12 therapists.
@Faith-and-Hope I think you are muddled. K was my uni counsellor. It is my turtle whisperer who has dumped me. And no, I haven't grown through seeing my turtle whisperer because it was only ever about getting support to find the elusive TTT. We didn't actually do therapy as such.
The day I see TTT will be the second anniversary of my graduation and thus the day I had to say goodbye to K. For two years that piece of paper has sat in the bottom drawer of my desk. Twelve years of effort for absolutely nothing.
@CheerBear I don't mean to be offensive...but that sounds like vague fluffy nothingness to me. 
I mean, I still love E twenty years on (even though all the psychiatrists said that if E cut all contact with me, the "fixation" would go away). To me, loving him means I think about him every day. It means I long to be with him. It means that three times a year (his birthday, father's day and Christmas) I send him a card and will continue to do so until the day I die, even though I have no idea whether he is still at the same address or indeed, whether he is still alive. That is what it means to me to love someone forever.
I'm not entirely sure what you mean. Can you be any more pacific?
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Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples as traditional custodians of the land on which it operates. We pay respect to Elders past, present and emerging, and value the rich history, unbroken culture and ongoing connection of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people to country.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.