Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member The waves are huge. They are super super super huge. There's no one. Scared! 

[Faith-and-Hope]

😥 🐢💕

Sitting with you @Phoenix_Rising ......

That is truly awful .....: I am beyond words ...... please know how well liked you are here 🌷

[Former-Member]

Hello @Phoenix_Rising,

Scout had to go for a second so I am here riding the waves with you okay, I have some spare floaty's from the forumland shed I have brought along for us just incase 🙂

[Catcakes]

Thinking of you @Phoenix_Rising 😔

[frog]

Keeping you in my thoughts @Phoenix_Rising

[Phoenix_Rising]

Super big thank you for being nearby @Faith-and-Hope @Catcakes @Former-Member.

But this is the point @Faith-and-Hope!!!!! This is why Forum Land works so well for me, because it dampens some of...well...me. The objective reality is that people truly do like me until they get to know me, and then after they get to know me, they don't like me anymore. I make people get big feelings...but I don't know what it is about me that causes it. This has been the pattern across my entire life. People catch my big feelings and then leave, and I don't have the remotest idea what it is about me that makes them go. It happens over and over and over again. This is why I won't ever do the friend thing again. But it is looking increasingly like even the mental health professionals can't stand being around me long enough to help me unmuddle my muddle. I really trusted my turtle whisperer. I really really trusted her. I really thought she could help me unpack some of my muddle. But instead she got swamped with the big feelings and thus ended up telling me she couldn't cope with me. We had already planned to finish at the end of January. How can I be so hellish to be around, that she couldn't just support me until then while I (hopefully) transition to TTT. How can I have any sense of hope that TTT will stay more than five minutes, despite all the assurances she gave me on the phone the other day. How can I ever feel ok with anyone, and more importantly, how can I ever feel ok about being me!

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope I feel utterly utterly utterly hopeless. I super super super badly want to die right now. Everybody goes away. Everybody leaves. I don't matter. I am invisible, I am worthless. I just want to go home to Fred. He was right. I AM too f*cked up for anyone else to treat. He WAS the only one who would stay. I truly am a stupid f*cking borderline, a f*cking irritant, and f*cking evil. He was right. Two years and twelve therapists later it is excruciatingly obvious that he was right all along. 

[CheerBear]

@Phoenix_Rising I'm so sorry to hear what's happened today 😞 I can see why it would have made all of these huge feelings happen.

I'm here choosing to ride alongside you as others are too, because you matter so much and you're not invisible at all. I get that it feels very different to that right now and hear you there. I will ride with you too until these feelings settle if you'd like.

[Phoenix_Rising]

The waves are GIANT @CheerBear. How can I have any confidence that TTT will stay in my world for more than five minutes! 

[Phoenix_Rising]