Riding a wave

[CheerBear]

Good morning @Phoenix_Rising

So last night was HARD. So hard. I am writing this morning to say that all the pocket crew snuggled in my pocket. They were there even before you asked as I had a gut feeling pocket crew being together would be a good idea. Unlike the 'almost-creepy moment' I had recently, I am not wondering why I felt that gut feeling last night 😉 Dr Havetodo is a great debriefer. I spent time debriefing with her too. Awesome listening ears. 

How did we do? I still have a 100% survival score too as I have a feeling you do as well, even if that was looking big time shaky last night and throughout the night. I think we did awesomely at practicing what we preach. I held on to a whole bunch of assumptions I truly believe and you practiced a bucketload of skills and tools. And today has dawned again and it's now tomorrow here as I believe it is in Sydney also. Tomorrow/today brings with it the chance to try again. So glad our tomorrows are Earth ones.

You said that we are anonymous strangers and you don't know our names, and I totally get how that can feel like that. My name is CheerBear. I am as much CheerBear as I am my not forum name. You know me as well as not-forum people, and you know me better than many not-forum people as I have shared parts of me that no not-forum people see. We know each other well enough to find each other in the dark and pick up on when things might be amiss. People miss that in not-forum land life all the time, yet somehow we have found a way to do that here. I don't think we are strangers. I think we are not-friends who have a connection that has somehow broken through the fact that we wouldn't know each other if we passed each other on the street (aside from the fact that you're a turtle who carries a turtle and I am a rainbow unicorn dressed in black). 

I am planning on spending my day in the garden and hope however you're planning on spending yours (volunteering gig and violining maybe?) it is ok enough for you.

We've got this 🙂

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear super big thank you for being you. This muddle is GIANT and I super badly need help with it. I am not sure that I am going to make it to my volunteering gig. 😔 My world is totally upside down. I am probably going to fall back to sleep for a little while and I am super glad I can do that in your pocket. I am so so SO confused. Last night has done so much harm. How could this possibly happen in the only safe place in my world. 😔

[CheerBear]

I wasn't sure if you would get to your volunteering gig either @Phoenix_Rising 😞 I am glad you have a pocket and I believe that pocket won't change. I am super glad that pocket is with me because you being in my pocket helps me feel safe all the time. 

I so get how much harm comes about through things like what happened, happening. I really truly do and I get how confusing it is. 

Random but yesterday on my book shopping for LF adventure (that was totally horrendous), I picked up a couple of books and one I got for puffer fish has the line "I think you might be in a muddle". I didn't realise until I got home and read it properly. You can probably imagine my excitement at that when I saw it. Another one I got is about feelings and how they can be big or little, what they feel like and how they change etc. They're really cool. 

I am going to race big to the shower now. I hope that falling back to sleep feels good. I will be here as always, even when I am not (but I will probably be here here today).

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear the wave has hit again. Right now you are the only reason I am not acting on the urge and it isn't ok for you to carry that weight. I need help. I need to work this through privately with Lauz or someone from the HC. I very very badly do.

[CheerBear]

It is ok with me for you to share the weight until it can be lightened @Phoenix_Rising. You don't need to carry it totally on your own. I get that it might not feel ok for you to do that and that's what's important, but I wanted you to hear that it's ok with me.

[Phoenix_Rising]

I have absolutely nothing and no one to live for...except for one melted snowflakey banana headed care bear. @CheerBear

[CheerBear]

Then one melted snowflakey banana head care bear it is for now @Phoenix_Rising

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear last night was SO destructive. I so very badly need to talk it through with someone. I am still feeling the effects of the emergency medication. I super want to talk but I am sleepy too. I can see that this category 5 storm is going to keep going for quite a while yet and I am afraid.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear what was the name of the book with the muddle line?

[CheerBear]

Category 5 storms are painfully hard and play tricks with time for me @Phoenix_Rising. Minutes seem like hours and hours like days. Category 5 storms that last for a while are big time tough.

I'll check the book and show you (sneaking off to get to the secret stash of hidden things under my bed - don't tell the LF 😉 )