Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

And that is exactly what makes it unsafe @Zoe7. I have said since I got here that the thing that makes this place so amazingly different is the quality of the moderation.

I am in utter utter utter crisis tonight. I need help...and there is no one.

[Zoe7]

and when it comes down to it @Phoenix_Rising - that was 'their' mistake. You should not be left to feel like this when you have been so supported for many months and then suddenly it all changes - and I am not sorry to say that it isn't right little turtle

[Phoenix_Rising]

The thing that would help right now, would be to be able to talk through all that this has triggered. This has triggered the very centre of my muddle. I need help!!!!!!! And help means talking to someone who knows at least a bit of my story. I need help. I'm using my "I need..." statement. I don't know what else to do. I really really really need help.

[CheerBear]

What does wise mind say you need to do to ride the waves of SI now @Phoenix_Rising? Until you can speak with someone who knows your history?

You know this stuff, I know you do. I get it is so so scary right now, but I want you to know that I know you know this stuff.

[Appleblossom]

I hope I did not contribute to your sense of chaos. @Phoenix_Rising

Tbh I have never used the @ moderator button or expected responses to my requests.

I believe you do have the strength and can get through this. 

Your DBT work is powerful.

What is safety?

It is not ALL there or ALL gone.

Lucky we are a bit older and can see that.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Keep talking it out. Stay at the computer and just keep talking it out. I also choose to engage in a behaviour that society would deem pathological, but which I personally have no issue with.

@CheerBear You have no idea what this has triggered. The trigger is SO big. I am so very very very close to being done. I have NOTHING outside of Forum Land. If I choose to end my life tonight, the first person outside of Forum Land who will come looking for me will be my turtle whisperer when I don't show on Tuesday. There is nobody outside of here. The relationships I have here are all the relationships I have in the world. And suddenly, randomly, out of the blue, most of the social network I have here seems to have vanished. I have a near-zero attachment system @CheerBear. I don't feel ANYTHING for ANYONE here except for you and Zoe. There, I said it. I don't feel anything. And I know it is the trauma. I know that it is because there has been SO much loss, that my brain simply broke. And now I seem to be discovering totally out of the blue that a whole bunch of people who I thought I had a connection with, suddenly aren't around anymore???

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear I'm SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear I'm really really really scared. Everything is triggered so super gigantically badly. All that seemed worth living for after P died has evaporated.

[Faith-and-Hope]

[CheerBear]

I don't know what this has triggered @Phoenix_Rising but I am understanding what the consequences of it are for you right now and I am very much hearing how shattered you are feeling and how close to being done you are. I am feeling scared right now and I am guessing that is because I am picking up on what must be the teensiest tiniest bit of how scared you feel.

I am here and I am not going anywhere anytime soon and I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon. I will sit here with you and ride this out with you as often as it is helpful for you.