Riding a wave

[NikNik]

I haven't tried salted nutella 🙂 @Phoenix_Rising - I might as well try it today!

[Faith-and-Hope]

Me too ..... ❣️

[Phoenix_Rising]

@NikNik and @Faith-and-Hope you made me giggle...which is quite a feat given how utterly hopeless I feel right now.

So...my entire session with my turtle whisperer got filled up talking about the hopelessness around trying to find therapist-take-thirteen (this took about 95% of the session time) and my weekend muddle here in Forum Land. I feel so utterly hopeless. At the end of the session, my turtle whisperer agreed with my summation that I wasn't even a millimetre closer to unmuddling my muddle. We didn't get to talk about ANYTHING following on from last week's session. This is what I mean about trying to bail out the Titanic with a teaspoon while water keeps pouring in. The very first week I saw my turtle whisperer, she set me the task of identifying automatic thoughts during the week. I diligently did this and...we've never got back to talking about it. Last week I told her I would send through some emotion regulation worksheets I did for therapist-take-one which she and I never got to discuss. I diligently did that and...we didn't get to talk about them.

I'm not going to get better. That's the cold hard reality of the situation. It's not that I COULDN'T get better, but the reality is that I'm not going to. The sorry-too-complex psychiatrist told my GP that she would need to see me three times a week to actually help me, and obviously that is impossible cost-wise etc. My amazing lack of progress with my turtle whisperer despite her awesome turtle whispering abilities is reflective of the hopelessness of my situation. Fred was right when he said I could only ever be contained and managed. I'm never going to actually get better because muddles keep piling upon muddles faster than even the most awesome turtle whisperer can navigate given the real limitations of time etc. I'm not getting better. Not ever. Are you still watching the ocean @NikNik or is someone else @Former-Membering?

At least now, thanks to Zoe7, I come with a warning label.

[CheerBear]

I get it (while acknowledging I have no idea what the very core of this muddle is) @Phoenix_Rising (the word microcosm is in my mind right now but I think it's out of context here). I wish there was something more I could say than that.

I get how frustrating and hopeless it can feel to find someone who you think can help unstick you from the mud, but just have more and more piled up between sessions so it doesn't feel like you're getting anywhere, or that it feels like you're getting more stuck. My version of your (K) has been working with me for 51 weeks now. For probably over 40 of those weeks, we would touch on something sometimes only to have massive muddles added that would need to be sorted (like catts and houses). We caught a break when the rest of my team took over with the other muddle sorting with me, leaving us to focus on the core stuff. That's the only way we've been able to do it. Those 40 weeks were essential for my surviving it all, but very hard going for both of us.

That may not help you to hear, but I hope it helps to know I hear you.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Psssst @CheerBear, I superly duperly want to be at Topic Tuesday but it is HARD. Can the whole pocket crew and I snuggle in your pocket? I will feel much safer participating knowing we are all in your pocket.

[CheerBear]

I was writing a post about how my pocket and I will be waiting in the cave just in case @Phoenix_Rising, and then got distracted and forgot to hit post.

I am reading along and there with a pocket that is full of pocket crew too (had to edit that in) 🙂

[Shaz51]

I am there with you @Phoenix_Rising, you are awesome my friend

[Zoe7]

@Phoenix_Rising I am here but not here  I have read about your day and wanted to stop by to let you know that I hear you - I definitely do not have any answers for you but I am still in residence in the underwater cave if you need some extra company (along with snuggling in @CheerBear's pocket).

I super like who YOU are little turtle  "Flippers Up" 

[CheerBear]

I'm not sure exactly how you're going, but I am imaging there is a bit of pain and some confusion happening @Phoenix_Rising. I think you're doing super from what I can see though.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear @Shaz51 @Zoe7 This manipulation thing is totally doing my head in. I simply do not understand how "manipulation" differs from help-seeking behaviour.