This is really REALLY hard now. I feel SO hopeless. The suicidal ideation just keeps going and going. I don't know how to find therapist-take-eleven and even if I found her, I don't know how to start over with her. All I want is help to "gain and sustain employment so that I can get off the DSP." It just doesn't sound that hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But that's the thing...it doesn't sound hard...and then as the story unfolds I have watched ten psychologists shift from "ok, that sounds easy" to "I'm sorry, I don't know how to help you." It's a big muddle. I know it's a big muddle. If it wasn't a big muddle, I could sort it out myself couldn't I! It's a puzzle with a bazillion pieces. I know that. I know it isn't going to be fixed in a day. But right now, I don't have any hope of even STARTING. I just want to START. I want and need to have some hope. And I just don't. I have no hope at all right now. I don't know how to find the first baby step towards achieving my goal. My goal is a thousand miles further away now than it was when I started therapist shopping at the beginning of last year. I feel utterly utterly utterly hopeless. 
@CheerBear I will definitely be snuggling in your pocket tonight...and tomorrow night, and the night after, and the one after that...
Good morning @Phoenix_Rising. I hope you slept well.
I found this and it reminded me a lot of you, and @Zoe7 and forumites in general.
I wish I could bring you both tea and honey. The good thing about being online not-friends is that there is a never ending supply of photos to share like this though
Hope today has something good in it for you.
Good morning @Faith-and-Hope @CheerBear @Zoe7 and everyone else out on the beach or ocean today. I am extremely relieved to report that I seem to have had an amazingly quick and noticable response to an increase in the antidepressant that I am trialling. When I went to the GP yesterday she initially told me it was too soon to increase it. However, given that I then spent most of the consultation lying on the floor of her office crying and rocking, we agreed to increase it by a bit. And low and behold, I have woken up this morning with a bit more energy and I've been able to cross some things off my to-do list, which in turn has helped me to feel even better. I am really hopeful that this antidepressant might have an ongoing positive effect once we get the dosage right.
It's pretty funny...with the last antidepressant I tried, my GP kept wanting me to try a higher dose and I refused due to the icky side effect of it making me super hungry. Now with this one, I'm keen to increase the dose and she is reluctant because it is known to increase risk of suicide. I super love having a GP who I can work so well with and we were able to reach a happy-medium of increasing it a little bit, with the view to increasing it again next week if I want to.
So...all in all, the sea is nice and calm right now, which is a BIG relief. 
So happy for you little turtle - what a turn around from yesterday - maybe the tide really is changing for you @Phoenix_Rising I certainly hope so 
(couldn't help myself - thought it was warranted today 
)
Good evening Forum Land,
So...I have spoken to and made an appointment with the potential therapist-take-eleven. The appointment is two weeks away. I'm not feeling very good about it at all. However, the thing is, I DID feel good when I spoke to...well...every single one of my failed therapists and that hasn't worked out so well for me. So now I'm going to give this person a chance even though it really didn't feel good on the phone. I think knowing that (A) will stay until I settle with someone else is helping me to feel brave enough to try. If it all goes arse-up with this person I know (A) is still there.
It is SUCH a muddle. I am not looking to move on from (A) because I dislike her at all, it's that I can see she can't actually HELP me. But the liking bit is there...which means that now I'm struggling with grief feelings at the thought of moving on. However, I'm telling myself that if the new person is a good match, then it will feel ok moving on from (A), and if the new person isn't the right match, then I will stay with (A) until I find the right person. So either way, even though the grief feelings feel yuck right now, I don't need to let myself drown in them.
My brain is so so SO puddled. The good feelings faded this afternoon and I ended up back under my weighted blanket. However, just having a few hours of respite and getting some things done has really helped and I definitely feel hopeful that the antidepressant will super help once we get the dosage right.
So...it is probably a little too premature to think the tide has actually turned @Zoe7, but at least there is a lull in the storm. I will still definitely be sleeping in @CheerBear's pocket for the forseeable future.
Night @Former-Member - is that you tonight @Former-Member?
A lull in the storm is better than nothing @Phoenix_Rising 
Goodnight little turtle - hope you sleep well
Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
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Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.