Hiya @Phoenix_Rising I have taken up my usual position on the rocks...
...and waving to you bobbing in the water 
Hey look @Phoenix_Rising I have made myself a little rock stack so this little flutterby can have a better view from the rocks...
@Phoenix_Rising ...just in case you need to take a rest from the bobbibg about...
...and I found my spare flippers behind the rocks - if you would like to borrow them...
Super big thank you everybody for the gifts you have brought to the shore. I super like being able to see them all as I bob around in the ocean. I'm still very much adrift out here, but I'm trying to just go where the current takes me.
This afternoon I got a call from the receptionist of a psychiatrist who I put my name down with about fifteen months ago when therapist-take-one announced she was closing her practice. During my year of therapist shopping I was open to seeing either a psychologist or a psychiatrist. One of my failed attempts (therapist take-three) was a psychiatrist. That experience was HORRENDOUS. She refused to read any of the information I provided to her (a comprehensive report by therapist-take-one, the autism assessment, the two-page summary of my trauma history that I had written out). She insisted that I tell her my story, telling me "either start talking or leave." Thus I went through my entire twenty year history in about three minutes...and by the end of it I was in a foetal position rocking. That's not ok!!!! After that awefulness, she became more gentle for the rest of the session and I decided I would see her again. However, after I made the appointment with her receptionist, she called me to say she wouldn't see me again. I never got any explanation for that. I can only assume that after I left, she read the written material and decided my muddle was too muddling to be worth the hassle. It was utterly crushing.
So anyway, I got this call today and I went into meltdown. There is something VERY wrong when previous experiences with MH professionals mean that the prospect of seeing a new one is super triggering. The receptionist offered me an appointment on Thursday, but I told her there was no way I could take that. I explained that so much of my trauma is related to MH professionals and that I would need my GP to dialouge with the psychiatrist before I met her. The receptionist was super understanding, which I'm taking to be a good sign. She said we will be able to arrange an appointment when I feel comfortable, after my GP has written to the psychiatrist.
In the thinking part of my brain I know that my GP truly "gets" it and she will work SUPER hard to make this a positive experience. However, I still feel scared. I mean gee, it's only two weeks since I was dumped by the neurofeedback psych.
I'm not even sure what I want to get from this psychiatrist now. I really just want to connect with her so that I have someone else in my corner. I would have to SUPER connect with her to want to see her more than very occassionally.
I have heard very positive things about this psychiatrist from several people, and the fact that she had a 15 month waiting list also suggests that she might be good at what she does. If I could connect with a psychiatrist in the way I connect with my GP, that would be super amazing. I know I need to be brave. I know I need to at least try. And I know that my GP will pave the way. I just wish I hadn't had so many horrible experiences, which make trying again so very very difficult.
Thank you for listening. I don't want or need you to respond. I just needed you to listen. 
Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.
Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.