Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member Thank you for riding with me. It's not ok what happened yesterday, Suzanne. It's really really really not ok. (A) and I were really starting to get somewhere and I was starting to see a tiny glimmer of hope that I could find a reason to keep living after X happens. And now it is all smashed. How can I make any meaningful contribution to the world anywhere, when I don't know how to not become totally chaotic when I get so flooded. I am pretty good at recognising what situations I can and can't cope with. I navigated a very uncomfortable situation the other day really well because I KNEW it was going to be uncomfortable and I was able to use all my tools in my toolkit to get through it. But yesterday I was totally blindsided, and the reality is, out there in the big wide world, that is going to happen. And the other reality is that the vast majority of the population (including police, ambulance dudes, and mental health professionals) have no idea how to deal with it. How can I ever hope to have any sort of a job, when the sort of thing that happened yesterday can happen pretty much anywhere, any time. What happened yesterday was an agonizing reminder that it doesn't matter how hard I try, it can still go amazingly a*se up at any moment and both me and the people who see it, get really traumatized by it. I KNOW how big it is. I KNOW how loud and chaotic it is. I KNOW how scary it is. I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT...and it seems that no-one else does either.

[Former-Member]

From my vantage point @Phoenix_Rising it looks like you're working together with a few good people to develop the skills to moderate those big feelings.  No, maybe noone has the answer in isolation but there are people who are willing to work with you (A and the better of the neuro psychs) to find out which strategies will help.  And then slowly slowly over time it gets better.  You get better at implmenting them and the strategies themselves are refined.

Alongside this you'll find the right environment for you,  One that's a little more predictable and controllable so that you are less likely to be triggered.

It can happen.  And I believe that you're tenacious enough to get there.  But when you hit these obstacles you lose sight of that.  It's part of the wave of emotion crashing over you.  It blocks out your view of the future.  So then you let your companions in the forum keep it in sight and remind you of it.

[Former-Member]

p.s. I've got to get back to land and dry off.  But Rockpool - lover of the sea and all who swim within - is here with you now.

[Phoenix_Rising]

I'm really tired of working so hard at staying alive @Former-Member. It has been twenty years. That's a really really long time. I was thinking about what you said yesterday on my neurofeedback thread. Do you want to know a secret? For many MANY years, I have thought that I'm kind-of like a crash dummy. That is, people DO learn from their interactions with me and I know it DOES make a difference to the way they engage with others in the future...but it really really really hurts ME, Suzanne. I know that the church changed their policies around working with kids after what happened to me there. I know that things changed in both of the workplaces where I had incidents. I know that a whole lot of policies and procedures have changed in a whole lot of places after there has been some incident or another. I know this and I try to tell myself that I will never know how many lives have been positively impacted because of changes that have been brought about by one of my super giant muddles. I TRY to tell myself that THIS is what makes my life worth something...but it just HURTS, Suzanne, It really really really really hurts right now.

(A) doesn't really know how to help me, you know. The general consensus among those who truly know my muddle (like A and my GP) is that the muddle will at least in part always be managed rather than "fixed." The general consensus is that I won't ever get a job commensurate with my 12 years of study at uni. How does anyone live with that? How does anyone live with having spent that long working so hard towards a goal, only to find it was all for nothing.

You say that slowly slowly over time, things will get better. It has been 20 years. Just how much more time should it take??? I don't HAVE a lot of time. X is going to happen sometime. I'm not sure when, but it is going to happen and I need to have something to keep on keeping on for after X happens. Right now, I can't see anything. I'm afraid @Former-Member. I try so hard...and yet my very hardest isn't good enough to stop me from causing utter chaos at times. How do I create a life that I consider worth living?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

As Suzanne mentioned I am here with you now and will ride the wave out with you.

I just need a chance to read this last post from you...just wanted to let you know I'm here in the meantime

[CheerBear]

Still in your ocean @Phoenix_Rising, knowing there's no quick fix, but alongside you cheering you on to ride it through, because I know this wave, although it is seriously super huge, will pass. I know that because you know that. And you remind me of it all the time. You sound exhausted but it will change, something will change because it is a fact that nothing will stay the same for ever. And when it changes and that wave passes, maybe then it is the time for seeking those answers. Right now, if surviving the wave and the flood like you have always done before, so you can continue to seek the answers to those incredibly important questions, is all you can do, then it is enough.

I know it's sometimes really unhelpful to have people dive in to floods so I will sit quietly from now unless you ask me to come in, but I want you to know I see you and hear you and am here, even if it's on the other side of the country, waiting for it to pass with you.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear I know you are here. Thank you for saying it...even though I already knew it. I have been thinking about you a lot as I've been riding this wave. I've been thinking about how the only reason I have been able to sit with you in your nest all week is because I live in this tumultous ocean. If I had never fallen into this ocean, I would have had no idea how to sit with you - just like my peer group of 20 years ago had no idea how to sit with me when my muddle first began. If I didn't live in this ocean, I would be like the vast majority of people in this country who have no idea how to sit with a muddle and no idea about how unhelpful the helpers can be. And while I've been getting totally smashed by the waves for the past 24 hours, I've been thinking about how it is people like you that give meaning to my muddle. And even though right now I don't have the slightest idea how I will keep on keeping on when X happens, I have a sneaking suspicion that thoughts of one totally random stranger whose name I don't know and who lives on the other side of the country, will float into my brain. And when that happens, I will curse and rage and hate that stranger for being the reason that I won't be able to bring this ridiculous circus called my life, to an end. You seem to have very annoyingly found a crack in my shell and somehow snuck in despite my resolve to never let anyone near me again.

[CheerBear]

While it might be super selfish of me, I am kind of not sorry there's a crack in that shell @Phoenix_Rising, although I can totally understand how annoying that might be for you (I really can). I made myself a tiny turtle and it's in my pocket. When you're ready I have a photo for you.

You give meaning to my muddle. This week you have a been a driving force for me not giving up because it is not right that helping people can hurt so much. You made a difference, a huge one. Yes, I am on the other side of the country and it sucks so much that right now I can not sit next to you (not closely even though I like close, because I know you do not) and once this passes ride trolleys through the supermarket with you. But I am a human who is thinking of you, believing in you and waiting with you.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear I feel all warm and fuzzy...and scared because everyone who has ever made me feel warm and fuzzy has then at a later point hurt me. Did you really make a tiny turtle? I would super like to see a photo. I super like you...but we aren't friends. I don't do friends, they all hurt and go away...but I still super like you.

[Spookytookims]

@Phoenix_Rising  I am scared to say anything.. because I always say the wrong things.  But going to anyhow.

Do you think part of what you are hurting about is expectation?  I know I do this.  It's like the other day, when something was posted that seemed to totally disregard what was stated clearly right in front of that person.

Why on earth didn't that person look and see what was there?  It was a very similar situation to what you had happen in the flesh the other day. 

There's an expectation of the other person seeing what is so freakin' obvious but for some reason they just don't or can't see it.  or can't be bothered seeing it.  And in my case nobody else seems to have seen it either or maybe they did but they just don't want to see it or acknowledge it. I don't know. 

But it is annoying and it hurts, but unfortunately others just simply don't see things some of us do.  It very likely works the other way too.  That we don't see others do, I guess.

Oh and what I am referring to.. it was that person's job to see it, just like it was the person's job to see it in your case.  It's hard to accept but to understand it I put it down to my expectation of them to see it.