RE: Darkness surrounds me

[Sans911]

@Former-Member I understand SI all too well. It's been a part of my life for almost 2 years. Worse in the last year. It's just thoughts love. Horrible thoughts. You want to shut out the pain. The images. It's all too hard. I get it. But they will leave you eventually. You just have to hold on.

[Former-Member]

@Sans911yea but for how long? And I know you can't answer that question, no one can. I have just had enough of holding on. It's the same hell day after day, night after night with no relief until these stupid meds start working. 

[Sans911]

@Former-Member no one can't say how long. My SI has been over a year, but it's a recognised coping strategy, particularly with BPD. I'm not sure if you've diagnosed with that. Hopefully yours doesn't last that long. Just do the best you can, which you're doing. Reach out for help, don't be afraid or ashamed. I know it's really hard to do, but just hang on. I'm getting there too and so will you

[Former-Member]

@Sans911diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD.

You get some slepp hun, you need it. I hope you can get a full nights sleep 

[Former-Member]

I just don't want to do this anymore. All they say is wait, wait to get help, wait for the meds to start, wait. I am sick and tired of waiting. I can't get the pain out of my head and I am just physically and mentally done. I don't want to play this game anymore, it's just not fair and I've just had enough. 

[Former-Member]

Damm it too late😔

[outlander]

Aww my sis @Former-Member ❤❤

[CheerBear]

I wrote this post this morning but didn't quite get to pushing send. I read along with your posts often Nell, feeling with you the incredible pain and hopelessness of the times I have been in a similar position. It was suffocating and felt like it would never, ever end. Like there was no way through it. There have been times that I could see only one way to end to the darkness that consumed me. Sometimes it felt impossible to cope with hearing that one day I would be able to get there, because at the time those words felt impossible to hear.

The darkness still lingers around me, but it has changed despite the times I felt it never would. It visits me but it doesn't consume me like it has in the past. I don't want to talk about that unless you want to hear it because they are the same kinds of words that sometimes felt impossible to take in when the darkness was so threatening. That conversation can be there if you ever feel like it would work for you though.

I wanted to know how long it would take to feel better because I felt like if I could just know for sure how much longer I had to tolerate it all, I would be able to make it (I even called the HC and asked that very question, knowing there wouldn't be an answer). Still that question can pop up for me and still I wish there was an answer for it.

I do feel so much with you, the pain of feeling this way with little people. A while ago I wrote a reply to you that I didn't send at the time (I think as I was going to push send you looked like you'd had a better moment and then it didn't feel right at the time). It was about how much this one was (can still sometimes be) a source of incredible guilt, shame, pain etc. for me, all which I felt though I know there was no need to feel them. It is/was something that has no words for how intense it can be. I think it's why the nickname 'fish' or LF (little fish) stuck for me, because even writing/talking about the things I was alongside the word 'kids' was too hard for me to do. It helped me to know others felt it too and that I wasn't alone in feeling it.

No need to reply to this at all, I just wanted to add to the voices that are letting you know you're not alone in this journey @Former-Member.

[Former-Member]

@CheerBeari will reply because I can relate to so much that you have written. I know the answers I want can never be given and it is just a horrible waiting game. It is hard to see any light these days and my reason for continuing are slowly diminishing. Even though my heart breaks that you have expereinced all that you have, I do find comfort that there are others that I can relate too. Thank you for you kind words ❤ I hope that you have an ok if not good day ❤

[Sans911]

@Former-Member hugs