Overwhelming thoughts

[Gremlin24]

Trigger warning! Self harm and suicidal thoughts are mentioned. 

Content/trigger warning

I really feel like I'm going crazy right now. My thoughts of suicide and urges of self harm are completely taking control over me. It doesn't matter how hard i try to distract myself or what other things I try to do, nothing works. 

I'm sick of losing control and self harming, I'm sick of the thoughts almost constantly running through my head. It just plays over and over again as I find myself thinking of all the ways I could just end it all. It's so scary cos I've been down that path before when I lost control and tried to take my own life several times.

I get so frustrated when crisis lines ask me if I have a plan, the answer is always no because I don't run on plans. Every attempt I've made previously wasn't planned, it was a spare of the moment thing when I lost control and didn't realise what I'd done until it was too late. 

I don't know how I'm supposed to live like this, is there any way of co existing with these thoughts and urges or am I just a lost cause like the psychologist told me. I just want to make it all stop, I'm sick of my mind constantly racing and I'm sick of having to fight myself every step of the way. 

It would be so much easier to just give in, to not have to battle myself every second of everyday. I'm exhausted, sad, frustrated, scared and hurting and I just want to make everything go away. 

[tyme]

Hey @Gremlin24 ,

I hear your SI and SH thoughts can be very distressing. 

You asked "is there any way of co existing with these thoughts and urges"? Yes, there is. And I'm livingn proof. 

Part of my condition is having strong SI and SH thoughts ALL THE TIME. They are chronic. 

Looking back, I've spent way too many years fighting the thoughts, and as you know, the more you fight not to think of them, the more you think of them.

Solution? Let them be. Let the thoughts come. Your thoughts can take you all over the world, but it doesn't mean you've 'been' there. Just like these thoughts. You can have them, but it doesn't mean you act on them. 

Nowadays, I still live with chronic SI and SH thoughts, but I've learnt to accept that that is part of my condition, and I'm totally okay with them. I don't act on them at all.

Show yourself some love and self-compassion. It's okay.

[Gremlin24]

@tyme that's the thing though, more often than not I'm finding myself acting on them without realising until after the fact. By then the damage is already done and it's too late, lately it's been worse than usual. 

I've tried to not fight the thoughts and urges but they just get stronger and stronger until they consume me completely. 

I have to constantly be on guard and I just don't have that strength in me anymore. Not with everything else that's going on. 

[tyme]

I feel that the thoughts will peak and some point and then die down @Gremlin24 . For me, I managed with the help of a very good psychologist. He worked on embracing and getting to know the feelings associated with the thoughts. 

I hope you have someone you can work on these strategies with. It's not easy, but it's doable.

And an important note is that the work needs to be done when you are well, not when you are at your most critical moment. Hence, maybe for now, it's doing what you can to stay well. I hear you have a lot going on.

[Gremlin24]

@tyme they are there constantly and the intensity is too much for me to handle. If I was able to get a break from them every now and then maybe it wouldn't be so bad but I don't get a break. 

I don't have anyone to support me through this, I tried a psychologist and they told me that I was a lost cause.

There's too much going on and I'm not coping with it. 

[tyme]

I'm sort of thinking those who tell people they are a 'lost cause' or that they are 'treatment resistant', are those who are not willing to admit that their skills are not enough to support the person. @Gremlin24 

While you have breath, you have hope.

Stand by that!

Anyway, I have to go, but will stay chatting the next time I see you. 

NEVER EVER give up

[Gremlin24]

@tyme I'm trying not to give up but every part of me is exhausted from fighting. 

Have a good night. Bye 

[The-red-centaur]

@Gremlin24 i hear. I really do. I know how fcking exhausted you are. Like tyme I learnt to live with my thoughts and urges. I give in occasionally, but very occasionally. 

I was told by psychologist and mental health professionals that I was one of or the worst cases they'd seen. I was told - go ahead, just do it, we can't help you when I would attend the emergency department, often dragged in by police, wait hours, then be sent home when mental health see me and not even talk to me. 

But it can change. It was so slow that I didn't even notice it. It's just now I look back that I haven't been at that point for a while. 

SH and SI were obsessions of mine. I would spend years and years in and out of emergency rooms a few time a week. I thought it would never ease. 

It just took one person believing in me and then another, to walk alongside me and help me heal.

Yes the urges can still come, but there are things I focus on. I have a dream now, I have hope. 

You can find that too!

[Gremlin24]

@The-red-centaur it's not just occasionally for me, it's every day, multiple times a day. And I'm just over it.

I've been in that same situation, so many people have just told me to do it, and to make sure I don't leave a mess behind cos noone should have to clean up after me. I too have spent so much time in and out of hospital being detained under the mental health act and being forcibly restrained by security guards cos I wouldn't hand over my phone at the time. 

Even after my attempts I was let out a day or 2 after with no support. So it just kept happening. It's all just too much to deal with. 

I'm really not sure it's even possible for me to find hope or have a dream. I don't see a future, I don't see any other way out of this. 

I'm hurting and I'm so, so tired. 

[The-red-centaur]

Im sorry you are hurting. I really am. @Gremlin24 I wish there was a way i could be there for more than the words on the other end of the internet. 

I've been to rock bottom multiple times, below hell and back. 

Getting the ndis made a big difference, having the support there 24hrs helps. But my supports and I fought hard for years to get supported independent living. I gave up but my ndis coordinator didn't give up on me. 

I wish you had someone in your corner fighting for you, so you could take a break and breathe a little.