@Birdofparadise8 the first thing you need to do is stop worrying that you are rambling. Your feelings are real and valid and I am not surprised you were sobbing. It's so bloody painful and you've had what, 15 years of it?
The good thing is you will heal. The bad thing is that it won't happen overnight and while you heal you will have to go through the hurt.
It's really difficult because the people who should be validating you and your feelings are not (parents, teachers, etc) so you have to find someone who will validate you.
Before I got my BP2 diagnosis I acted inappropriately, hooking up with random guys, taking risks, drinking too much and smoking too much. While I never did any illegal substances if it had've been presented to me I may very well have. It wasn't until I was put on medication and saw an excellent counsellor that I realised how damaging my behaviour was. It also took a long time to forgive myself for my behaviour.
Have you written a letter to your 5 year old self? My counsellor recommended I write myself a letter allowing me to feel rejected and treated poorly by people who should have known better. I was lucky, when I was bullied at school my mother intervened and the bullying stopped.
Sadly as I got older and my anxiety became worse I was bullied in my workplace and that's not something a parent can fix.
Try writing a letter, apologizing to your 5 year old self, something like "I'm sorry you were bullied and you had no one to protect you. I'm sorry your mum didn't help you and let you change schools."
I wrote myself a letter and part of it which I've never shared until now was saying sorry to myself that some of the parents at my primary school wouldn't let me play with their kids outside of school hours because my parents were divorced. Like I had anything to do with my dad screwing around on my mum and then dumping the 3 of us in favour of his 2nd wife who he also cheated on and left.
I allowed myself to feel lonely and confused, it took a lot of tears but it did help.
Now I am the one rambling!
As for my teeth, my top 2 teeth are broken and I just broke one of the bottom teeth a couple of weeks back. Because of my medication my mouth dries out, making my teeth brittle. I also had the plaque stripped from my teeth when I worked in a chemical laboratory with acids. For implants they are around $8000 each which equals $64 000 for all of the damage. I am on the waiting list for the govt dental clinic but I am considering using my super and just getting them all ripped out and get dentures. It breaks my heart because I always have looked after my teeth. It's just been the last 2 years that I've had trouble so it is also probably hormonal.
Are there any hobbies that help take your mind off the sad stuff?
