Need to vent

[MDT]

We are for you my friend

[Shaz51]

Sitting with you my sister @BlueBay xoxo 

[BlueBay]

everywhere in my house there is mess

mess here there and everywhere

i can't reflect back the year 

i am too emotional this morning

life - what is life? is it fair? yell NO

so what do i do? - keep plodding along while being tangled in a web of emotions

i am so teary today, damn those meds; damn those doctors

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay 

It's okay to vent here - that's why you set up this thread - so that is one way of easing your overwhelming emotions.

But the amount of anger you are experiencing isn't good - yes - you have the right to be angry when you have been treated badly and not being told the extent of your physical problems. If anger can push you into being constructive about these issues then that is good - but not when you take it out on yourself as you tend to do

However - although you can control your behaviour in these circumstances your emotions are stronger and more eratic because of your BPD and I get that - so I hope you can calm down and express yourself better. 

You know you always fall into a hole after you have been in hospital which is part of your Transitional Ambivalance - and it isn't at all good that you have not been told about your fibroids - you may not need surgery however - it's more wait and see

I remember going through so much similar crap in my past when stress was a big deal in my life - and thinking back it was a case of dealing with one thing at a time. There was always relevant pathology with my symptoms but sometimes really hard to get something done about it and this is discouraging.

And about work - you can't work right now - you need to recover first otherwise it's going to take longer and that is not what I would want - not what you need - and if Huffnpuff is huffingnpuffing it's time for him to get a part time job to make up the shortfall - it must be so irritating to have him nagging about your finances all the time without thinking how he could do something about it

So - vent when you need to and hopefully you can leave it on the page and settle down to dealing with what's right in front of you - because - really - that is the most we can do sometimes - now you are home the rest will leave stuff where it is because they know you will pick up and put away - so yeah - as tough as it is to keep a clean house with the family there and your house is crowded. - so crowded

Take things easy when you can - jiff the sinks and sweep the floors - when other people are out of the way. I have noticed though - when someone walks on the still damp floor anyone has washed it's immediately their clean floor. 

It is tough right now - so yes - vent your feelings here and try and ride it out - I do hear you - it's not easy and you would like it all over right away but it takes time. I am playing the same health game of waiting it out between visits to my specialist too - with no idea how my shoulder will be treated. A shoulder replacement is out of the question - no good prognosis - so there are less invasive procedures - I think the torn tendon is starting to heal - I just have to take things easy and not push things. So I do hear you and care a lot. It won't last forever - 

Sending gentle hugs

Dec

[BlueBay]

Thanks as always @Owlunar 

Today is a much better day.  I saw my GP this morning as i am very lightheaded.  he checked my BP and it is in the normal range but for me it is low.  We think it could be the new AD that the cardiologist put me on to help with the laughing/fainting spells.  Treat two things with one med.  My GP says to continue but be careful that i don't faint or that tyhe blood pressure gets too low.

I then asked him that i would like a referral to a gyno to at least make an appt for the new year.  I was hoping that it would be amazing if i had the gastroscopy and colonscopy in the same hospital as the surgery.  i am hoping that i could just get it all done at one time. or at least a day after these procedures.

He wrote out the referral and was really good about it.  he explained to the gyno about the two hospital admissions, my stomach issues, pancreas issues and my mental health.  he explained to him that i am very very anxious about this.

he printed out all the hospital discharge paperwork and blood test results as well as the ultrasound that found the fibroid.

i called up when i got home and the receptionist said that the earliest would be end of Feb.  I explained what had happened at the hospital and she then said 'look can you bring us the referral and i will get the gyno to read it and call you to make a time'.  

I took the referral to their office and started to fill out registration paperwork.  Then the receptionist says to me that the gyno had opened up a few times next wednesday as surgery was cancelled.  (Wow someone was looking after me!!!)

Yes, i have an appt next Wed 22 in the morning.  At least now i can see him and we'll discuss what the next step is.

Even if he can't do the op on the same times as the other procedures; that's okay.  

I was so thankful and happy to get in to see him.  My GP told me that in his opinion this gyno is a very very good one.  There are a few others but this one is perfect for me.  Very caring.  Actually i have heard of him before through friends who have seen him and cannot fault him.  which makes me feel good about this whole thing now.

Today i can see how 'crazy' i was on monday when i first found out about the fibroid and not been told about it.  yes i was angry, very very angry.  today i am angry but not interferring with my day.  i am now interested to see what the outcome of the investigation is.  

You know @Owlunar  i am so lucky that i have a good GP.  

take care @Owlunar  you are a great friend to me.

And i care about you xxx

hi to everyone else @Shaz51 @Maggie @MDT @Emelia8 and others xxxx

[Judi9877]

Hi @BlueBay . I see you've been struggling lately and I'm sorry to hear that. I really hope that things improve for you as you deserve great things in life. 

If it's okay, I need to vent as well tonight. I hope that's fine with everyone here. Let's just say my sister decided to start an argument with me this afternoon and it has continued into the night. She tried to take away my meds then my phone which she did take and then broke my fan which I need to help cool me down and to sleep. She then said she wouldn't replace my fan which I can't afford to replace despite her having plenty of cash and therefore can afford to replace it. She took away my car key and then the house key leaving me stranded in her place and she got my friend/housemate involved before getting her male friend involved. She said she believed I was going to SH and that it was my BPD coming out in me. This is all because I was tired after taking her to work at 3am for the last 3 mornings because of her anxiety of driving- don't go there but let's just say I'm surprised vicroads hasn't taken her licence off her because of her being a danger on the roads. I've now been forced to sleep with my meds and phone next to me because I'm scared she'll take them away from me. She's also just come home from taking rubbish out of her property to dump somewhere and has wokrn me up just for the sake of it. I'm so over this. She's so controlling that she won't even let me call mental health support because according to her, they'll only hear my side of the story and that is wrong. Even if I do SH, it'll be a struggle to get an ambulance here as she doesn't want to draw attention to herself because of what her neighbours will think. I mean, get with it! If I'm in trouble, I'll call an ambulance and forget what she says. Why should she deny me medical treatment? She already told me today that I'm lazy, worthless and a waste of space so you can imagine how i feel about that. She says she wants to claim Dad's shares when he dies and will use my MH against me just to get what she wants despite her being diagnosed with anxiety, a MH condition in itself. As for SH, she doesn't understand despite blaming the BPD for everything yet me also having depression and schizophrenia which is also having impacts right now.

I really wish Mum was around but she's been gone for over 18 years so there's only her and Dad left- no contact with Dad after he chose to abandon me to a residential MH facility in 2006 and I've had extremely limited co ta to since and even then, he only calls me when he's drunk and wants something. I can't afford to live on my own in metro Melbourne and properties to rent have sky rocketed through the roof in country areas so I'm stuck with my housemate, and at the moment, my sister since I'm forced to live here due to my car breaking down and not having any money to fix it right now. I'm not employed and am a uni student so life is tough but I didn't need this mess on me today of all days. 
I am safe so please don't worry about me. I just needed to get this stuff out and I feel safe talking on the forums which is what I have done. I didn't mean to trigger anyone or cause distress- I'm just angry and upset about things. @BPDSurvivor is it okay if I tag you here since you seem to be good at BPD stuff please? I'll continue the BPD stuff over in the relevant thread Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script if that's okay.

Thanks for reading this.

Judi9877

[Maggie]

@Judi9877  I’m so sorry this is all happening to you.

I’m glad you got it off your chest here tonight. I do hope you manage some sleep.

Lots of these for you. ❣️❣️❣️🥰🥰🥰

@BlueBay 💙💙💙

[BlueBay]

Hey @Judi9877 

It's perfectly fine - vent away!! 

you have so much on your plate, it's a difficult situation you're in with your sister.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Maggie @Owlunar @Shaz51 @MDT @Emelia8  and others

I was quite emotional this morning thinking about having to go to outpatient group today.  So i decided to call the psychologist in charge of groups and told her about my situation and that I felt i couldn't go.  i was very anxious.  She said to see how I go and if i change my mind then come along.

But i didn't go.  It's been about 5 weeks since last attending and i feel a bit like an 'outer'.  I know reality is it's a good group with nice people - but i have this thing in my mind that i am an 'outer'.

I ended up walking to end of street with little A to the park.  she played with a few kids, she loves kids. such a social butterfly she is 🙂

I then went to work to collect a $50 voucher that the higher up management of all the supermarkets sent to all staff becasue of the work with COVID.  That was nice I thought.  So i will use that voucher next week for some more christmas food.  i bought a bit last weekend before hospital admission.

I feel very very flat, like i can't be bothered with anything.  i just really want to be left alone. but i also feel i need company as well.  it doesn't make sense.

i think when i see this gyno next week i will feel a bit better.  i spoke to a friend last night who i knew had a lot of female problems last year.  she actually had the same gyno i am seeing.  she told me he is such a caring guy. so that made me a bit more at ease.

social media is such a great thing at times - I have 7 cousins living in Italy.  One of their daughters made contact this morning via messenger.  She has sent across photos of her family.  she is 34, married with a 4 year old girl and lives in Milan.  Another cousin's daughter made contact a month ago; she still lives in the town - where my dad was born.

My aunty and uncle are still alive both in their late 80's.  so i sent photos of my family and apparently she was very happy to see us all.  

i am going to keep in contact now.  my dad will call his sister next week for Christmas as they do each year.  

OK, for now i am going to see if i can make a chocolate cake.  My daughter's partner is calling in for dinner tonight after work.  Little A is very excited.  she adores him. 🙂

My daughter has just made dinner, so all set for tonight.  It's quite humid so I've just put the air con on.

I'm sorry I always write too much.  Pls take care everyone.  i hope yoiu are all doing okay.

BB xxxooo

[BlueBay]

Just looked at my diary for next year.  In one week I have 4 medical appts.  I am so overwhelmed.  

Some days i wish i could just vanish away so all this could disappear.

i don't handle these sorts of things well.