Need to vent

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay 

I hear and I understand how you feel about your mother - I went through similar emotions - and I know how hard it is and how you miss your father

I guess your emotions are stronger because of your BPD - they are harder to control - and I know when I finally walked away from my mother I was haunted by her being alone in the Aged Care Facility she was in - I also knew my sister wanted to have all her POAs and rejoiced in her position - but yes - I thought every day I should go and see the cranky old lady and every day I decided I would not and it was a long time before I saw her and she was full of regret - regret I am sure your mother will feel when her time comes - and that is an awful way to die - and my mother chose her path

And so is your mother - I guess that in Italy mothers have more control over their daughters - in this country it's different - and your parents or grandparents decided to come to this different world and really - just have to put up with the different order here - and as hard as it is to free yourself from the umbilical cord - you can do it

Your sister and you have the right to discuss whatever you choose and your daughter has the right to choose a new partner and it's really none of your mother's business

And my mother didn't want to be upset and she was always saying #Don't do this - don't say that - don't tell so-n-so about the other. I mustn't be upset - I don't want to go back into things - don't tell me about (whatever) - keep something to yourself - why didn't you tell me - etc - on and on# egad!! I couldn't win so I would back off. I would go away. And I would cry - 

 You can't win these battles with your mother - and I know staying away is hard too. And of course you are afraid of her - I learned young to resist my mother - she didn't like it - and I am sure she set my sister and I against each other - and that was a pity - and a toxic family can't be changed until they are ready - and I am sorry you have to put up with all of this - it's lonely - I know that - and you miss your Dad

I guess you can start in small ways by being calm and telling her you are old enough to decide what is your business and to back off - she is going to be cranky anyway so try and make your own rules about her.

I know the grief and the sorrow - I sometimes wish I could have explained my life to my mother but I couldn't when she was alive and of course I can't now that she's died. 

I'm sorry BlueBay - we are all dealt a hand in life and sometimes a crabby mother is part of the deal - I wish it was easier for you - and I certainly know - it's tough

Dec

[BlueBay]

Thankyou @Owlunar  for your understanding and support. 
By the way - how are you? And also your dsughter? 

[BlueBay]

My anxiety is high at the moment 

I don't know if I have a job on Monday 

received an email from head office reg covid cleaning. 
we are stopping it and only doing late afternoon not all day snymire 

I'm worried now 

I know I shouldn't worry but I was employed for that specific job 

@Owlunar @Maggie @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @Emelia8 @MDT @Shaz51  and ithers 

[Faith-and-Hope]

I hope it will be alright @BlueBay ..... 🙏

[BlueBay]

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope  xxoo 🙏

[BlueBay]

On our way home from our short break. 
it was nice but not long enough 

it's getting hot. We decided to leave early. 
Spoke to little A earlier. She asked if we were coming home and when I replied yes she was so excited. I bought her a few little things. A book and a beautiful little angel for our Christmas tree.

I'm feeling very emotional. Last night I had a build up of mixed emotions.

It's 8.30 and we're going to stop soon in a little town for a coffee and stretch. 

hope everyone is doing ok as best you can. 
@Faith-and-Hope @Maggie @Owlunar @Shaz51  @Emelia8 @Zoe7 @MDT 

and others following 

[BlueBay]

I messaged my boss tsg my job. It's been on my mind. I'm allowed to pick up extra shifts and they will train me in registers. 

so why do I feel so emotional. 
Im just not coping 

[BlueBay]

I messaged my boss reg my job. It's been on my mind. I'm allowed to pick up extra shifts and they will train me in registers. 

so why do I feel so emotional. 
Im just not coping 

[Emelia8]

So pleased @BlueBay that you were able to escape home for your short getaway.  The gifts you bought for A sound lovely, and I know she will love them.

That is good news about your job @BlueBay , as you had wanted to be trained on the registers. And some extra shifts, if you want them, is also good. Let the news sink in once you are back home, and Im sure you will feel happier about it too. Change is hard, and sometimes we go into change kicking and screaming. But in the end, its all good.

Emelia 🌷

[Faith-and-Hope]

I agree with @Emelia8 ...... it has been such an emotional time for you @BlueBay, and despite the good news about the training for registers and extra shifts, you will still experience that emotional backwash ...... take care and slather on the self-care Hon.

💙🐚💕