Hi @BlueBay
We sometimes need to do things we don't want to do - etc - but if we can decide for ourselves what and when and how important an event is then it's easier to answer if it's important enough to leave well enough alone - after all - being triggered is not fun at all and really - in no way necessary
So - with work - you know you have to work - and when the COVID issues are sorted you can look for a new job if you want to. And about working - it's important that you go because you see a good reason to go - not because anyone else thinks it's a good idea - and if you make the choice yourself it will not be so anniliating to clean baskets. That would not be a fun way to spend your hours - but if your choose to do it and decide to be the best basket cleaner in the universe and sing along with your music while you work it will be easier because no one likes to feel like a door mat and even the dogsbody runs over the door mat
But if you choose to be the best basket cleaner around and work smiling and happy they will not leave you there for long - they will get you up the ladder -
Don't leave your decisions up to other people because they will not see things the way you do - your doctor wants the best for you and I understand that's a good idea but if it's not your choice - it's tough cheese - but if you decide it's only a few hours to fill in and you get paid and you can sing along to your music it will be your choice - same task - different attitude
I get it that Huffnpuff wants you to work when you have health problems he doesn't understand so this is harder - so this is a harder choice - you have a full-time job at home with your family - omg - I know - and I think you would like it if you were appreciated but it seems you are not - so - if Huffnpuff gets on your wheel about it then tell him - quietly - you choose to do whatever you choose - work or not or look for something better - you have a full-time job already just as he does so - and I know he thinks he won't get a part time job but he can if he chooses to - so don't let him push you around - again - if you make the choice yourself to do something - it's easier -
I know you have trouble with making choices but I can assure you - it is easier to start small it becomes easier to deal with something bigger -
I have spent a lot of time thinking through the issues I have read so far with BPD and I know you feel things more than most people which is hard for people to understand I think - I really didn't until I read deeply into the subject on the internet - I thought - well - people can control their behaviour if not their emotions - I see now your emotions are unpredicatable and really can cause you to make bad choices - and it is my opinion - which is sketchy on the subject I admit - that if you make decisions when the chaotic moods pass and they do - then you will make better choices and gradually you will feel better
What I read was partly that people who have been abused in childhood have arrested development - and that makes perfect sense to me - personally I don't think many people have a great childhood and those that do can sometimes be immature too - sometimes - I didn't have an easy childhood - it was exciting but often dangerous - life on a police station on the edge of suburbia is not something I would have exposed my children to - but then - there were good things too - my father was a good man and I learned things I would not have otherwise
My mother though was similar to yours and this is not helpful and does continue as long as life itself - I found my freedom painful when I chose to leave my family - since my mother has been gone I have been free to live without the toxicity she brought to my life. I understand what you say about your mother and she is an unpleasant person I can see from what you write and it's best to see her as little as possible and let it be your choice though of course you can't just go to her home whenever you feel like it - you make some rules for yourself when you are calm
Still the assaults in your childhood are hard to get past - I don't know how to help with this - it seems you are really stuck and you have had a lot of people involved but the past changed - accepting the past doesn't stop it from being terrible - it is still terrible
I do hear you - I hope what I say helps but if there is something else I can learn or understand that would be great - if someone knows where to look on the internet there is so much to learn - and I know where to look -
All the best - I understand so much more now - it was time well spent
Dec
