Need to vent

[BlueBay]

thank you @Shaz51 

i am not in a good headspace right now.

i have been ruminating about lots of issues - my mum, my dad, two court hearings and all the paperwork i have to get for each one.  It's all getting too much and I am not coping.  I was scared that this would happen and here we are.

My GP is concerned about my wellbeing and health as he feels it is too much to cope with as it is bringing up lots of big emotions to which i really struggle with.

I have had backache all weekend and saw my physio this morning who is so gentle and kind.

Little A has settled into school well.  She has a little boy in another prep class who she tells me she 'loves him' and they play together.  apparently one lunchtime she was alone and he went up to her to see if she was okay.  oh how sweet.  she tells me now 'nonna i am going to marry him'!!!  I laugh at her such a sweetheart.

I guess i havent been on here for a while as I am still struggling with a certain issue that happened.  But it's okay i will get through this.

tomorrow i am seeing my new psychologist for the second time and i am going to tell her that i left las session upset.  the fact that she told me i don't have BPD.  i just want her to know how i felt.

wednesday is outpatient program again, the next 12 weeks will be on anxiety.  

thursday i have 3 medical appts - gyno, gastroenterologist and CPAP.

friday i have physio again.

i feel like a real wreck at the moment, not sleeping properly waking up between 4-5am and then not able to fall back to sleep.  i am so exhausted that i am so emotional.

hope everyone is doing okay 

hugs to all xxxx

it took a lot of courage to come on today and write this; too many times during this i have wanted to delete it all; but i thought no i want to come on and say hello to all my supporters.  i hope you are doing okay @Shaz51 i know things are tough for you right now.

Sending you lots of hugs.

hi to all @Snowie @Eve7 @FloatingFeather @Emelia8 @hanami @tyme @MDT @BPDSurvivor 

[Emelia8]

Hi there @BlueBay , really good to see you again.  So glad you resisted the urge to delete your post, as I have been concerned about you.  Although I have rarely been on here much myself either, I have noted that you have not tagged me lately and have wondered if you were okay.

Yes it all sounds pretty full on for you, and I am really sorry you are so overwhelmed with all that has been, and what continues to go on, for you.  Its a lot!

I have to say your story about little A really warmed my heart, so thanks for sharing that. Its important to know you have, and can still see, the really good and so important things that you still have in your life.  Its that stuff that will help to pull you through the tough times.  Concentrate on those things as much as you can, use them as a crutch.

Thinking of you and willing you to be strong and resilient, as I know you can be.

Emelia 💕🤗

[Jynx]

Hey @BlueBay sorry to hear that things are so rough for you right now. I agree with @Emelia8 I'm glad you decided to post - so we can all surround you with warmth and care while you're riding that struggle bus. 

Having so much to attend to all at once is bound to leave you feeling pretty overwhelmed, which is also gonna make everything else hard as well. 

I hope the conversation with your psych is illuminating - definitely good to let her know that it was upsetting, and maybe talk about why she said you don't have BPD. Different therapists all work in different ways and have different ways of looking at mental health stuff. Might be good to reflect on what it was about hearing that that you found upsetting. Then you can both try to work together on how best to conceptualise your mental health uhh... 'profile' (for lack of better term) going forward. 

Hope your appts are helpful, it's good to know you've got a lot of support - even if getting to them all might be a stressor in its own right! You got this!

And very glad to hear your little one is having a good time at school 💜😊

[BlueBay]

thanks @Emelia8 for your love and support

thanks @Jynx i want to let this new psychologist know that I do have BPD, i have seen 4 different psychiatrists who all have diagnosed me with BPD.  So i don't think they are wrong.

I think i need to let her know how upset i was and i was confused as well.

i hope this doesn't make her angry with me 

i am not sure, i hope i can tell her how i am feeling at what she said

[tyme]

You are too sweet @BlueBay  - and maybe that's the nature of those with BPD. Always thinking about how others feel.

I'm wondering if she is now thinking how YOU must be feeling when you were told you don't have BPD?

What do you think?

[BlueBay]

Hi @tyme 

Im here now waiting to go in and I’m anxious. Bad. 
I will try to explain to her what she told me affected me. 

yes I do worry terribly at how she will take it 

I take everything personally 
I think i need to be honest 

I’ll let you know how I go after. 

I now have shingles pain again 

just called my dr and left msg for him. 

there’s always something 

@Jynx @Emelia8 @Shaz51 @Snowie @Eve7 and others I have forgotten 

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hey @BlueBay 💛

Gosh, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. I am so sorry to hear that you are in pain, too. I hope you are able to do something nice for yourself and take good care of yourself this afternoon and evening

Sitting with you 💓

[BlueBay]

Hi @Peregrinefalcon 

shingles pain is terrible, the area is so sensitive that even my hair touching my back and neck is causing pain

i had to send a photo of the area to my GP and he has said to keep an eye on it and if more blisters appear then contact him asap

i feel like a complete wreck, sore back, not much sleeping

some days i just want to curl up and die

i have got too much on and i had a feeling this was going to happen

it's all the stress coming out in my body and telling me

i saw my new psychologist and explained how i felt after first session where she told me her thoughts that i don't have BPD.  I epxlained how i felt angry and confused but very worried to tell her.  she understood and explained that in future if i find something i am not happy with to let her know.

i am sorry, i am not thinking.  had a quiet afternoon

just need a break from life for a while

@Peregrinefalcon @tyme @Jynx @Emelia8 @Shaz51 @Snowie @Eve7 @BPDSurvivor and others i have forgotten

[Jynx]

@BlueBay oh my 😞 Shingles sounds really terrible. I remember when my grandmother had it and it really had such a big impact on her ability to just... function. You poor soul, I send SO MANY HUGS!! But gentle ones so as not to bump the ouchies. 

I can hear that you really feel like you need a break from what you're enduring, and that means the SI sounds like it is creeping up a bit. Extreme response to an extreme situation, so in some ways it makes sense. Are you at the level where you might need to reach out to anyone? 

[BlueBay]

hi @Jynx 

i am going to go to outpatient program tomorrow morning and i will speak to the psychologist there.

i am also seeing my psychiatrist on monday morning and i will let her know as well.  

i really think i need a break in hospital. 

i don't want to burden my family with hospital stay, so i will see.

thanks for the 'gentle' hugs, received xxxxx