My special place

[Snowie]

Haven't spoken to anyone about what's really happening @rav3n 

If I open up I know where I'll end up.

Had a chance to see psych on Wednesday coming but mums having surgery that day and I have to take her. Have to put her needs before my MH. Now I have to wait till Feb to see her. 

Cooked dinner but haven't eaten. Not hungry. Least the rest were fed.

H's gone to a friends house so just here by myself.

[rav3n]

@Snowie i know you mentioned last week that you were avoiding admission before H's birthday. how about now? seems like the more it gets delayed, the harder it is for you to 'pretend'?

that really sucks about the appointment clash!! i'm so sorry you had to deal with such a tough decision. i honestly wish i could've lent you hand with this myself. do you reckon that H or anyone else would've been able to help out with your mum for a bit while you had your appointment? 

hope you got some fluids at least! do you drink tea? 

is H coming home soon? are you relaxing on couch, watching tv?

[Snowie]

@rav3n if I have an admission now then there's no one to look after mum.

I know it's just excuse after excuse of why I don't want an admission. I also know that if I'm truthful with my pdoc he will want me to have one.

The appointment would have gone to someone else by now anyway. Even so, I have no one else. H has to work so it's left up to me. I have a brother who is useless (who I don't have any contact with) and my mums sister who lives in a different state. No other family around.

I don't drink much tea, mostly coffee.

H should be home soon. I'm just sitting on the couch staring at a blank screen.

[Snowie]

@rav3n 

It's my fault, it's just pointless

Thanks for chatting with me

[rav3n]

i hear you, it is a really tough spot to be put in @Snowie and with looking after your mum, it doesn't make the decision any easier. i do worry about carer's fatigue too, i imagine looking after her has been a lot and i really do hope you're able to get moments to look after yourself.

i'm so sorry that all that responsibility has been placed on you, especially with no other family around. are you still in touch with those family friend's you have? the one where their father also had dementia (or was it Alzheimer's, sorry i forget which one)? i hope you can lean on them as well.

please don't hesitate to reach out to LL or SCBS tonight, you've held onto a lot recently and you deserve a space to be heard. it's not your fault, sometimes things just happen and all we can do is try our best. even if it's tiny steps at a time. i'm just going to quickly send through an email just to check-in as well. 

[rav3n]

hey @Snowie hope you got some sleep last night. sending you some good energy 💜

[Snowie]

Hi @rav3n Thanks for thinking of me.

Not much sleep last night. Few issues today.

[rav3n]

oh no, sounds like a bit of a rough start to today @Snowie what's been going on?

[Snowie]

Went up the street this morning @rav3n and got overwhelmed with anxiety. Made it back to the car before things got worse. Managed to get home in one piece. Then dissociated a few times.

Can't really say what happened after that.

[rav3n]

oh gosh, so sorry that happened to you today. i can imagine how stressful that must've been @Snowie glad you made it to the car safe. do you still feel quite overwhelmed from it right now? were you able to self-soothe/calm yourself afterwards?