Moving forward (sexual abuse )

[eth]

Hello my friend @outlander  Has the shaking settled down yet?  It could be nerves or it could be you are fighting a fever.  

[outlander]

how can i be a survivor Eth if he literally still live in me- from the HPV- i dont want to keep liiving in fear even though im safe. all these big feelings are scary and nothing i do seems to help anymore. i always try to do the coping strategies that usually work but they ahvent worked for a while now. everything just gets over powered and i dont know what else to do except to take them. i found when i was on the medications it helped and since being off them it like ive forgotten jsut how bad it all was and i cant cope with it. ooh @eth i do feel to blame though thats the problem- it wasnt like your or Li1's that it was sudden. i freaking said yes- how could i have done that- probably becasue i was scared and confused out of my mind- it makes me sick literally throwing up sick. and something so tiny has set it off. it was me remembering my drs appointment- thats all- but then it leads to the hpv then keeps going to my past. it never ends and it scares the crap outta me to think it may never end @eth

[eth]

Hi @outlander  don't stop reaching out.  Be gentle with yourself.

[eth]

I said yes when I was 13 so I do understand @outlander.  He was much older and trusted.  It was sa by law.  I never told.

[outlander]

My body liked it @eth 😞 thats what makes me feel worse too
Im still seekng my sa counselor i need to do it but im scared of going. Not of her but the box in my head with this stuff in it

[outlander]

It would be nice to even be semi comfortable in the same room as a male or rven stop freaking out knowing theres men in the building and not capping nyself that ones going to try and clean out the cobwebs in there @eth and maybe even ine day havr a normal relationship

[eth]

I hear you @outlander.  It will take time but the counselling will be a place to start. xx

[eth]

Sorry @outlander My best friend from up north just rang me.  Hope you get some sleep tonight.  I am going to try soon.

[eth]

Well .... 2 hrs sleep and here I find myself again.  Been having a big time with memories the last few days, but especially late yesterday.  Made a list in point form of the things I've had flashes of just the last few days and there are 7 different episodes of sexual abuse as well as a bunch of other traumatic events.  And that's still not all of them.  Oh dear it's no wonder I'm not sleeping much.  Have to be so careful as that can be a bipolar hypomania trigger.  After each of those events is when I've had my worst manias and psychosis and blackouts and memory blocks for years.  It's no wonder I also have complex PTSD.  @Former-Member  @NikNik  not sure who's on now but I need to talk to someone please.

[eth]

Obviously no-one's around, not even a moderator.  Don't know how I'm going to get through this alone.