Low self esteem, still 😢

[Historylover]

Very similar experiences here too, @Leonie1. Hurts so badly, doesn't it? 

[Leonie1]

I know it's not normal. Uninjured people just don't think like that 💜

[Leonie1]

It most certainly does.  But I was told by a mature friend who was studying psychology that I was as the most empathetic person he'd ever met.  Those that love me love me hard. So I can honestly say it's been worth it.  I look at my sister and step brother and sister and they are so shallow.  I wear my scars with pride.  You only know a fraction of my story.  I've been to hell and back and nothing can destroy me 💜

[Blackbird11]

Hi @Leonie1,

You sound very resilient and wise. Technology is growing so fast it's hard to keep up. With it being so fast it develops feelings around wanting a quick reply. I know to distract myself from waiting for answers. It's great you ask straight up if you are in the wrong, but with your history, I feel you would be gracious and patient, and understanding.

[Leonie1]

How kind you are. Thank you 💕. Yes, I can be all those things but I don't suffer fools. I wish I had as more patient. For me a quick reply is within a couple of days. I never have the sound on my phone turned on. That noise every time something happens on your phone would drive me mad. Reminds me of poker machines. The phone can be quite addictive. I'm trying to get back into reading. I think it's hard been too hard for me to relax enough to read a good novel for a long time. My mind was all over the place. I'm just starting to come down.

[Sunshine15]

Hello dear friend,

I read your story and thought I was reading about myself.

I'm glad I'm not alone, not that I want anyone else to suffer.

I have realized of late, that my feeling of rejection, came from my early childhood and for my entire childhood. My father didn't want us children around. He just wanted our mum to give him her full attention.

He was angry every day when he came home from work. All  of us children learnt early on to keep out of his way and sight. The atmosphere in our home was horrible when our father was at home. We felt more relaxed with just mum. It as taken me years to realize how damaged I was. I feel rejected very easily and the stress from that rejection is exhausting. I have learnt to recognise it better and handle the feelings better. 

Thankfully. 

[Glisten]

@Leonie1 Maybe, I’m not sure. I expect that I’ll still be working when I’m 70. I wish I had done an apprenticeship instead of a Degree. Would have loved to be a carpenter.

Do you socialise with community groups?

[Leonie1]

We are definitely not alone. You articulated how I feel perfectly. Yes, it's the fear of rejection. It's debilitating. This site is amazing. It's giving me so much help precisely because I realize I am not alone. This is my first post. I didn't know what to expect. I find people are helping me and I'm helping others. And I feel safe. It's such a good feeling. A very special place and I'm so glad I found it. We are each other's counsellors. No waiting and no charge💜

[Leonie1]

No, I don't socialize with community groups at all. I've always been a loner. I travelled the world on my own in the 70s and moved from from Melbourne to Far East Gippsland many years ago. In my experience, this part of the world has a large population of racists. I'm not valued at all. I have been bullied a lot, something that I never experienced previously. I have nothing in common with the vast majority of people here and no interest in spending time with them. But I'm fortunate enough to have a couple of friends here. One is coming for lunch on Thursday and taking me to the pub at the nearby beach to listen to her band on Sunday. I hadn't heard from her for a long time. Reason:. She couldn't find my message and was so relieved to hear from me 😊. So this feeling of rejection just isn't serving me anymore and I'm working on ridding myself of it 💜