‎18-09-2023 06:22 PM
‎18-09-2023 06:22 PM
I'm almost 70 years old. To make a long story short I've made a lot of progress but still if I send someone a message and don't hear back within a day or two I automatically assume I've done something wrong. In actual fact it's generally because the person is busy. I have made progress because at least now I'll ask if I've done something wrong. I don't just go away and feel bad. And what I'm finding is that people say "Why do you ask that? Of course you haven't done anything wrong. I've just been busy". So after all this time this shouldn't be my immediate thought. I'm the same with tradesmen, friends I've known for decades, new friends. I'm sure it's because I was abandoned by my mother at age 11. I grew up hearing things like "a face only a mother could love etc". So this low self esteem at my core. Anyone else?
‎18-09-2023 07:05 PM
‎18-09-2023 07:05 PM
@Leonie1 Yes I find that I feel the same way too, even if the responce is vauge and leaves me feeling unsure of the meaning behind it my first thought will be im not wanted.....Also talking to a group leader recently (days after I "reacted" rather than pausing and responding) and she said my presence in the group add value and I didn't believe her as ialways feel im worth nothing to others and add no value to the lives of others
‎18-09-2023 07:18 PM
‎18-09-2023 07:18 PM
Oh I'm so glad I posted this. You are not nothing Blessings. You are beautiful 💜. I know my value and my confidence is coming back but I just wish this wasn't my go to feeling every time I don't get a reply. I've just come through a particularly difficult period of several years. For the last six months I've been recovering from a serious accident. I feel very strong. I feel as though I'm not afraid of anything so why at my CORE do I feel I'm not wanted? I don't want to be like this any more. It doesn't serve me. I don't think it helps that all but one of my dearest friends have passed away. I have made new friends but these were people I'd known for decades. People who knew me well and loved me and let me know 💜
‎18-09-2023 10:20 PM
‎18-09-2023 10:20 PM
‎19-09-2023 10:47 AM
‎19-09-2023 10:47 AM
Hi @Leonie1
Lovely to meet you here! I'm one of the peer moderators here at SANE. I completely understand how you feel. I tend to do the same. I am not as bad as I once was but nevertheless, I am guilty of thinking 'what have I done wrong'. I honestly believe our early childhood experiences have a lot to do with it.
My mother didn't abandon me literally but every time she was feeling sad/angry etc she would not speak to me for days on end. I clearly remember her doing this as early as my preschool years. I was on the bus going home from preschool with her (she didn't drive so we bussed it). I remember asking her a question and she wouldn't reply. I remember thinking, 'what have I done to make her mad'.
It set a pattern for the rest of my life basically. I became afraid others would do this to me as well so always tried so hard to be the 'perfect' friend, sister, etc. My dad, thank goodness, never did it to me. But I was so scarred from that early lack of unconditional love from my mother. I mean I know that she did love me but her actions showed me that her love was sort of precarious.
I am fortunate to have a loving husband and four beautiful kids of my own. I often talk about how my mum was and they can't believe it. They believe me of course but just find it hard to believe this lovely grandma they have would be like that to her daughter.
I'm glad you've begun to ask people why didn't they reply and that they have replied honestly that they are simply busy. It's the reality isn't it. Not what our anxious minds are telling us!
Warmest wishes
Hanami
‎19-09-2023 11:40 AM - edited ‎19-09-2023 01:14 PM
‎19-09-2023 11:40 AM - edited ‎19-09-2023 01:14 PM
‎19-09-2023 11:50 AM
‎19-09-2023 11:50 AM
‎19-09-2023 12:13 PM
‎19-09-2023 12:13 PM
Makes total sense!
Thankyou for sharing, sounds like things were really rough for you and also your dad.
I can understand you not wanting kids. I think my reasoning behind wanting kids so desperately was because I thought I will finally get unconditional love. Well, I realise as I become older many kids do not actually give that at all so I'm truly grateful I have four kids who are amazing.
x
‎19-09-2023 12:33 PM
‎19-09-2023 12:33 PM
‎19-09-2023 12:34 PM
‎19-09-2023 12:34 PM
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