Is there anybody out there

[Radarears]

@GEEKAYthanks for sharing your glimmers.  I have lots more than I thought reading yours.  I LOVE music and dance.  To indulge my silly side and move I sing along and dance to kids songs.  "The Wheels on the Bus" is current favourite.  I do all the actions.  I used to love ??hi five on TV.

Languages are also great.  I'm learning Spanish and truing to revive my other ones (memory blocks).  Listening to classics in other languages is great too.  

Baking and cooking are other glimmers for me.  If all else fails I'm in the kitchen with a recipe someone gave me.  Because of my strict dietary requirements due to my health I'm into baking Irish Soda Bread.  It is so quick and satisfying.

I think I get so caught up in the focus of self monitoring, managing and doing all I need to do to get through and the fact that a lot of what I do becomes therapy but it can still be pleasure and fun too.

Thank you for sharing.  I understand the reality of the effort and focus required to "derail" your urges and thoughts in regard to staying sober.  My issues that cause me to feel I'm running a 24 hour surveillance system are very different but there are times when my mind is fully on watch and act and it can go on and on.  It can still catch me unawares though.  🫠😊

[Radarears]

I've had a very challenging day today and quite frankly I'm over the unpredictable never a dull moment life.  I'm regressing at warp speed with the PTSD, Christmas and the stress of trying to self manage the increasingly complex ways my system is reacting to stress.  It's throwing up some weird curve balls and the medicos are not coming to the party.  My psychologist sent me a paper that identifies the stress and has a term which I've got muddled about.  Altostatic Load.  It's a start and it gives me information but what I do with it and how to get help is the next hurdle.  But my heart and cv disease and hypertension has worsened and today I gave in and phoned an ambulance and went to hospital.  Irrespective of why I'm getting chest pains and the rising numbers of my BP and no resolution I decided to get it checked.  It was OK in terms of I wasn't having a heart attack and I got the all clear but the uncertainty and I'm almost permanently in panic mode was a bridge too far.  My late friends partner reached out today and we spent most of the day and night texting and sharing.  He is in a world of pain and I'm still struggling and it was healthy and helpful but distressing, painful and confronting at the same time.  I'm just home from the hospital and thankful to be home.  I've been so traumatised by the treatment I've received because of my mh issues that I was reluctant to go.  It's so difficult when you have multiple health issues that are a mix of common or garden physical and mental issues and then the more unusual ones and the glorious mish mash of what it means in terms of your functioning and ability to do things that people take for granted.  Then have noone believe you because you don't look like there's anything wrong with you.  I'm exhausted in every way.  Physically mentally and emotionally.  And so over the people with the pollyanna bandaids and toxic positivity.  I'm not going to sleep tonight and I'm offloading and settling my mind so that I can at least potter and do some low level activities to refresh.

[hotmess]

look at you - yeah the social stuff is hard... well i find it hard but also really necessary.. 
sorry to hear about the ibis.. I  didn't know they could do that..i imagine they are pretty messy.. howe the hell will you keep it out?  mirrors? 

the overly positive witch in me would probably google a meaning... er I did that..so um..yup leaving this here for the overthinking.. 

"The Australian white Ibis was once known as the Sacred Ibis and, as well as an important food source for Aboriginal people, in some of their cultures Dreamtime, it reflected a message of examining your spiritual and moral purity."

share the vargus nerve thing anything helps right?  
I talk to birds and, to be honest, get a lot of joy out of them. My garden is a habitat for many glorious creatures. I have a spotted pardalote that's so cute. I want to learn from birds to be safe in the knowledge i can fly away from danger. 

sadly if your my twin your in lots of trouble!.. im a beast crasy creative all over the shop and im not going to stop that anytime soon my glimmers are small too a flower , a sunset a stangers smile , a compliment (so I give them out like candy) singing to the night sky.. throwing myself into the sea... its been hard to learn to make time for that but i need to squeeze the joy out of life so i can handle the rollercoaster of my emotions..

[Radarears]

@hotmess @GEEKAY Not sure where I left off but I got kinda bored Saturday and hailed a green taxi and went to emergency with chest pain. I'll do anything for a bit of company and an opportunity for an outing.😅 Still waiting on a cardiology appointment and ready to be VERY assertive with gp and insist she demand an appointment.  Racking up frequent flyers with ambos and emergency depts is not something I want to be doing at my age.  My folks were 20 years older when they started it and I do wonder whether Im in my dotage and should be looking at nursing homes or having conversations with people about my choice of clothing and makeup for my last hurrah.  But everything checked out in terms of no cardiac arrest or heart attack so now its a case of working out why things keep going pear shaped.  At the same time my allergies have become so severe Im on the "eat nothing nice" diet and playing suck it n c with different foods.  So far I've had 5 hits and todays was one of 3 culprits because I wasnt thinking and ate 3 different veg instead of one.  Scratching like a demented ape and having a sulk because all 3 are favs.  

My mental health is in a downward spiral due to grinchmas, grief, psychologist flagged dehydration (due to some weird quirk with my ptsd) and the continued abuse Im copping from people who were raised by wolves and are foul mouth ferals.

I guess Im seeking some support in dealing with this because its been different people different places and Ive either taken a direct hit or Ive witnessed agression and abuse.  Ive reported, contacted people for help and advice and continually get told not my problem, get legal advice, they cant help it theyre autistic and the latest charmer is my next door neighbour who became enraged and launched because I simply asked that her kids and friends not obstruct my driveway or park there due to requiring an emergency ambulance.  

I should have 24 hour access to my property irrespective as to why but she really upset me.  Again noone wants to know, Im already sensitised to abuse due to previous traumas and it seems to be everywhere.  I have no one to turn to for help and support to deal with how I feel beyond a friend who is the most targeted person I know.  We agreed that it does get to you it has a cumulative effect and the lack of help and support from gym management, shopping centre management, landlords etc leaves you feeling so powerless.  And the lack of acknowledgement and the "Dont let it get to you" from helpful harry"s and Harriets really leaves you feeling powerless.  Im also fearful of reprisals and vigilante action because of some of the abuse is apart from the neighbour people who frequent my street and know where I live.

Im already the busiest little Meerkat in town and all my nerves are shredded and my pacing and paw patrols are getting me fit for next years HBF Run for a Reason.  

Im open to any suggestions as to what to do.  I was told a beautiful story of the Eagle flying and being pecked by a crow. The Eagle then proceeds to fly higher until the crow can no longer breathe.  I need to apply that both to the neighbour and my complaint against the mh system when the advocate comes on board.  Rise above it all, don't get distracted by their issues and focus on the outcome I want to achieve.

Today I actually made it to my psychologist appointment in person.  Ive been the victim of the energy vampires and barely mobile for weeks now and it did feel good to see her in person.  Zoom and phone calls are ok but neither of us are keen to use them.  Ive simply had no choice.

On a happier note the vagus nerve technique Ive dubbed the "Lord give me strength" is so simple for me because Im a gym junkie.  It is 3 repetitions 2 minute break 3 repetitions of "The praying hands".  Hands mid chest palms pressed together.  Breathe in for 4 hold 2 out 6 then press palms with so much force your upper arms shake until you feel a moderate to strong need to take a breath.  Then repeat.

It really has made a huge difference and I can do it anywhere at any time particularly when I feel the panic alarm sound.

Sorry to ramble but I have to get this out of my head.

[hotmess]

Ha one of my fave songs has that phrase in it .. glad you got to the Pyske sounds like you needed to process a lot

[Radarears]

@hotmess An hour is never enough 😅🤣😂😂 I need another 2 to figure out what she was telling me to do.😅🤣😂

[hotmess]

I ask mine for notes/ homework …lol I’m such a nerd 

[tyme]

Hey @Radarears , how are you going? How are your cats?

[Radarears]

@tyme How Am I? How are the cats?  Mmmm.  Challenged and challenging would be the best response.  3rd sinus infection in 5 months, have discovered that my undeserved mental health reputation has been shared with the general public health gurus and am wondering why.  I was challenged about my use of certain drugs and questioned as to could I prove I had joint issues.   Given that I was in resus with chest pain and still trying to access a cardiologist for my heart condition I thought it was a bit odd. 

Then the immunoloogist raised my complex mental health issues.  The clinics are using telehealth and Im not attending in person.  I am hopeful it is to lower the stress on me rather than that the erroneous label by the psychiatrist who wrote my discharge report was taken as gospel and Im a danger to all and sundry and to avoid at all costs.

The advocate phoned yesterday when I was in real distress due to trauma and having just come home from an intense counselling session.  I did share with her that what was to be an issue relating to the community mental health clinic had now grown and it would have to be addressed.  

All professional help has ceased til 6th January and we agreed to give it another week after that to begin sorting out the mess and the damage caused by the clinic.  Im really unwell and Ive had no medical care in regard to my mental health whatsoever.  

Anyhow Ive found a few angels who have stepped up, given me hugs, food and lots of encouragement.  The glimmers and setting up challenges to get "wins" and stay afloat have been keeping me looking outward but the trauma bus ha hit me so hard and this isn't a good time of year for me.

Of course before everyone disappeared they left me with plenty of homework.  How much do I want to do?   ATM not much.   However my future self will thank my present self for doing the hard stuff like my rehab exercises, "Go to" manual for when I get into a crisis and and and....

Id much prefer someone to serve me crackers and cheese with my whine.  

[tyme]

Awwww... you poor thing! One sinus infection is enough, let alone three!

Sounds like life has been hectic on your side. I'm sorry you have been so unwell.

Are you glad the advocate phoned you? 

Please take care my friend. We are thinking about you and hope things improve. @Radarears