I'm scared

[Jayne28]

I hope this is okay to post. I don't know where else to turn. My fiance randomly left me after over half a decade together, a mortgage and our wedding around the corner (he would have been my husband years ago if not for covid). He told me he loved me that morning and then just packed a bag and left that night saying I've done nothing wrong but he can't treat me as an equal until he "sorts himself out", he was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship. I've had to cancel our wedding and house build. He has continued to keep me "on the hook", he intentionally showed me photos of us happy together and asked me to dinner to the very romantic restaurant he took me for valentine's day. He's saying he doesn't love me romantically anymore but I'm the only one he can see himself spending his life with, but he doesn't think we will get back together as life will take us in different directions BUT he wants to see if there's still a spark between us. 

We caught up last night and I told him how much I've been struggling with depression and serious suicidal thoughts. He later initiated intimacy, and I was so hopeful this meant that he wanted to work on things. Then this morning he gave the 'no strings attached ' speech and I feel like a one night stand that's just been used. How after six years of me standing by and supporting him can he hear that I'm suicidal and still decide to hurt me like that. I now feel even more worthless and like there's literally no point anymore. Every single day, every minute I just feel this intense grief and I don't know how much longer I can keep going for. I'm absolutely breaking. I never thought I'd feel this way over a relationship. Most people have suicidal thoughts at one stage or another but I'm googling how to do it and mentally making plans, I'm honestly scared of what I'd do in a really bad moment.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Jayne28

Welcome to the Forums and thank you for sharing a bit of your story.

I’m sorry to hear what happened with your former fiancé and how it has left you feeling. It is such a difficult journey, coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Grief is a normal reaction after any relationship ends, but emotional abuse can intensify and complicate things so much.

I’m glad you have reached out here for some support tonight. What other support do you have @Jayne28? It’s so much to be dealing with on your own.

I’m so sorry to hear that you have been making plans to end your life. It sounds like you’re in a lot of emotional pain at the moment. There are services available to talk you through these thoughts and feelings and help you make a plan to stay safe. I really encourage you to give one of the following numbers a call if you are having those thoughts tonight (or even if you just want to talk things through). Most are available 24/7.

• Lifeline - 13 11 14
  • Samaritans - 13 52 47 (8am-8pm AWST)
  • Suicide Call-back Service - 1300 659 467
  • Suicideline (Vic) - 1300 651 251
  • Kids Helpline (Under 25) - 1800 55 180

And please also keep posting here, however if you are in need of crisis support or one-on-one counselling, please reach out to one of the numbers above. 

[Zoe7]

Hi @Jayne28 Do you have a trusted family member or friend you can be with at present? Not just for support but also your safety? 

What your fiance(?) has done must be totally devastating for you but he has also shown his true colours and put you in a very vulnerable position in doing so. You do not deserve this nor should you put up with it. I know that is easier said than done - especially when it is so raw - but you are the only one that matters here. He can deal with his decisions on his own but you deserve all the support and love that you can get. 

We, of course, will be here for you but if you are having suicidal thoughts then reaching out to someone you trust and/or a helpline to talk it all through may be a good idea to help you get through the initial hurt and grief. 

Some numbers to keep handy:

Lifeline - 13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467

[maddison]

Hi @Jayne28 

Thankyou so much for reaching out & sharing your story. I'm very sorry for what you are going through & how this person has left you feeling.

Sorry, I do not have much to add. I completely agree with @Zoe7 . You absolutely do not deserve to be treated this way. 

There is so much support here on these forums & I want to quickly recognise the strength & bravery you have shown by reaching out. 

I also want to echo the importance of calling one of the crisis numbers as listed above if you are feeling desperate. Perhaps it would be good idea to do anyway.

You are important. You deserve kindness & love. You are also not alone.

Please feel free to continue to post & express yourself on here. 

Kind regards, maddison 

[Jayne28]

Thank you so much. I called lifeline and they really helped. I'm starting to put the pieces of a bigger, much more abusive than I realized picture together. 

[Jayne28]

Thank you so, so much. I called lifeline and they helped so much.

[Jayne28]

Hi Maddy.
Thank you so much for your reply. I did call lifeline and they really helped. I've also told family how I'm feeling tonight to get some help.

[Jayne28]

Thank you Acacia, I really appreciate it.v

[Jayne28]

Hi Zoe,
I called lifeline after I posted this and the wonderful person there was so helpful. I told my family how I'm feeling after that call and that also made me feel safer. Im going to work on looking towards a future I'm excited about.

[maddison]

This is wonderful to hear @Jayne28 

Thankyou too, for having the kindness and awareness to update us & for your gratitude.

I'm glad you have family that can also support you.

It sounds like you are taking all the right steps to help navigate you through a time that feels traumatic & overwhelming. You are doing so good. Be slow and gentle with yourself.

P.S - if you add a little @before members name, it will highlight & they will get a notification of your message eg @Jayne28 

Thanks again for writing back.