I'm in a nest

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear I am here but not. How are you going to do any of it? One tinsy tiny baby step at a time with me, Squishy, Mr Seahorse and Dr Havetodo sitting right beside you. We can sit on your desk and help you figure out the answers for application forms - one tiny answer on one form at a time. It is so so hard, especially when you feel you are going backwards. It super sucks that sometimes we have to go backwards in order to go forwards. However, whether you are backwards or forwards or stuck or upside down I will be right here with you. You can do this.

[CheerBear]

I did some house hunting and tried to make sense of the program that we applied for a house in, a couple of weeks ago. It's a rental scheme that I hadn't heard of before. There's no single entry point (why would there be, that would be too easy), so it meant pulling up the organisations individually, looking through their application processes, eligibility criteria and areas. I've come to the conclusion that there are so SO few available houses (as in none at the moment) through this one, that the effort required to go through it all when the chance of actually getting a suitable house in the area we need is so small, it just doesn't seem worth it.

Silly me then extended my hunting to looking at what is available in the place that used to be for the same (ludicrous) price of housing here. The difference is striking and it hurt me. I looked at what was around beyond where we are now, and the options are so much better. Unless some magic social housing pops up in the next couple of months (before housing support is closed for us), I'm faced with the choice of being stuck here or moving away again. At this point in my life, I have such little care about anything beyond the LF that I couldn't give a crap about where or what I ended up living in. I do care enough about them to not want to disrupt school (again) and to minimise the potential for this cycle to continue, so it's an option I am really struggling to consider.

I have lots of big angry things to say about how completely irresponsible I think it is for organisations supporting people in this position, not to think about the longer term stuff. The missing housing organisation is still missing even following my interview recently, which is good because I don't have to worry about how much I 'rocked the boat' (that was my old CM's warning to me about what not to do when dealing with them). But surely someone who heard it should have given a tiny bit of consideration about what was going on and possibly taken some step toward resolving it. I am however, expecting them to appear in the next couple of weeks, in the form of a 'sign here' post it note on the side of a c-link deduction consent form to increase the rent. It will be the last of the scheduled increases, taking it to 100% which will push me into the 'can't sustain this amount' bracket. Three post it notes will have been the contact I have had with them since the start of the year (aside from the interview that was clearly worth nothing either), despite their fancy words on their brochures and website about the 'support' they offer.

Maybe I am being unreasonable in thinking that someone should care, but I just don't get how any of this is acceptable. I don't get how things are so difficult that I even questioned returning to the place that was, today. It was a fleeting thought but it was there. This all reminds me so much of the whole 'she keeps going back' thing we know happens so often. I get it more now than ever before.

All of this is exactly why I didn't want to get out of bed today. Right now I feel like I have a better chance of finding a million dollars in a gutter than I do of being able to settle in a safe, affordable, decent (my definition of decent is pretty much 'not falling down') home with minimal disruption for the LF. Right now everything inside me is screaming to give up. I'm so, so tired of trying and getting nowhere.

[Faith-and-Hope]

💜🌈💐💕 @CheerBear .....

[CheerBear]

I'm so sad @Faith-and-Hope 😞

[Pepsimax]

Is there anything I can do for you @CheerBear just here if you need

[CheerBear]

Thanks @Pepsimax, I don't think so though. I don't even think there's anything I can do for me anymore. I appreciate you stopping past though, thank you.

[Faith-and-Hope]

I can hear that @CheerBear .....

I know it is really hard.

You have placed a priority (read: boundary) on placing your kids within the same school zone. At least that is a starting point.

I have had friends who were renting for many years ..... not just one set of friends .... a few. One thing I noticed was that every time they moved, they unpacked their love and their family back out of those boxes ..... the key hook went into the wall in the kitchen or near the front or back door ..... the same kettle got unpacked into the kitchen that made the daily cios of tea ..... the same photo frames with the same beautiful faces came back out and found similar perches in the new living space ..... same lounge cushions, same bedding etc. Before long "home and hearth" was re-established.

I had disaster after disaster in my previous home, and several house moves. I remember the devastation when we had just finished setveral years of invasive, messy rennovations, and we suffered a burst pipe and house flood. It had happened while we were away. Paint was peeling from the walls, wooden floors, curtains, furniture ruined. Had to move everything out, have the whole house repaired, then move back in ..... then the massive hailstorm of 2010 decimated our roof pipework with the deluge of rain (1-in-200-year storm) and I was faced with it all again.

I am sure this is not making you feel much better ......

My point is that my heart is with you ..... I am holding your hand ...... sending my best thoughts for courage and the power of persevering your way ..... and sitting here by you in the hope that that can make you feel just a little less alone in it all.

You're a survivor @CheerBear ..... and I believe in you ...... 💜💜💜

[CheerBear]

Big tears @Faith-and-Hope. Thank you for sitting here and helping me feel less alone.

[Former-Member]

Thinking of you @CheerBear 💗💟
Sending love and hugs. 😙
And a cuppa. ☕🍰

🌹🌼🌸🌻🌺🌷🌸🌼🌹🌻🌺🌷

[CheerBear]

I'm not sure what you put in that cuppa @Former-Member but it was great thank you 💗

I have jumped in to action bear, which works so much better for me than life sucks and I can't do anything about it, bear.

I called my MH worker and spoke to her about how much of an impact the house stuff was having on my mh, letting her know that I have been feeling scared of where my head has gone. She called my housing worker (CM) to let her know and to ask what the plan was, if there was a plan. My housing worker then called me (which she was going to do anyway) and we made a plan. Seeing as there are almost no houses around which will be appropriate, and therefore we have so few options, the plan is to make a formal attempt at engaging with the missing housing organisation and ask what they can do to rectify this. My CM mentioned wanting to put in a formal complaint about things anyway, but not wanting to make it worse while we were in the house. So that's the next step. I am totally petrified of the potential for this to escalate beyond a point that I can cope, but I guess the reality is that I am already not coping anyway and something needs to shift. I am trying to trust that the safety net that is my team, even though it is very gappy at times, won't let this get to a point that the LF and I are worse off than we are now as well. I have been asked to write an email about my experiences and current experience, which in itself comes with a huge 'danger warning' alarm as thinking about stuff does the whirlpool, things are spinning, it's all too much and too far gone thing. But I think it is worth pushing through this one. Hopefully.

Back to breathing and trusting that I have made a good choice here. And bracing myself for the storm that might be brewing. At least I am facing the storm this time, and not trying to run away from it. Maybe that's progress for today.

I wish I wasn't so messy and rollercoastery. Thank you to anyone who is tolerating it.