Good afternoon in the nest.
Thanks @Former-Member and
@Phoenix_Rising for your comments re my spill post. It's hard to share stuff because it feels like it just never ends and I can imagine eye rolls and 'this again' even though I am pretty sure that's not what you guys do. Maybe it's more me eye rolling and 'ugh this again'-ing at my own stuff, because that's what it feels like a lot of the time. I hate that it's always something, regardless of how much I try to be ok and try to work it out. If I was someone reading my posts, sometimes I don't know if I would know how to reply and feeling like that makes me question what I am doing putting all it out there (here). Writing helps me work things out I think, and sharing here helps me get it out and off my chest, so it's helpful to have here even if there is nothing anyone can say to fix it.
Your wholemeal Nutella crumpet sounds pretty great Bella. I hope lousy passes soon for you and I'm sorry to hear yesterday was hard.
I do sometimes stop and wonder how life worked out like this
@Phoenix_Rising. It's confronting seeing history and trying to sit with it somehow belonging to yourself, and I can see how the legal report would have done it to you. I just don't get how things can get so muddled or messy. Your comment about the pocket crew and the operation adventure made me smile, thank you. Dr Havetodo is wearing her tail ready to come with TT to my psych tomorrow and I've lugged TT around to the appointments so far (and you've kept your eyes closed during the yucky bits thank you
🙂 ). You're coming on a train adventure way out of my comfort zone next week for the appointment yeah? (Probably no choice really seeing as you've got a dedicated cosy space in my handbag now
😉 ).
Since I posted my big spill post and then tried to do the fun fish thing last night (which ended up as hours and hours of hair pulling out not-fun tech mess), a pop happened in my head. All the clarity about the extra mess that this is all bringing up, gave me a not-so-lovely clear view on just how messed up things are now. It turned into a huge panic state when my head hit the pillow last night. The type that feels like someone is sitting on your chest and you can't breathe. Usually I wake up and start the day feeling better at the chance for another start, but this morning I spent the whole morning in total overdrive with my chest hurting, my mouth dry, feeling like I was going to throw up, having the shakes, finding breathing a challenge. It was so full on. I think I was gearing myself up for a meeting that was supposed to happen with my CM and the real estate today. I got a call to tell me it had to be rescheduled to a time today that I couldn't make, so I'm now feeling the after effects of the big surge of panic/stress stuff, with nothing to actually put it into. It's exhausting. My CM is going to the meeting on my behalf, which in a way is seriously disappointing because the house stuff is really important to me. If there is someone I trust to do almost as well for me/us with house stuff it is her, so I am holding on to that at the moment trying super hard to trust/hope/believe it will all be ok.
I finally heard back from c-link just a moment ago as well and they've booked my job capacity assessment for next week, first thing in the morning the day after the appointment with the surgeon. I think it is too much for me, but there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe brain mashed, melted puddle of shaky snowflakiness is not the worst way to be walking in to that appointment. I have a feeling it's going to do some extra damage though. Big sigh
😞I'm finding things really hard to tolerate at the moment. I'm questioning what the point in trying anymore is and I am feeling very overwhelmed. I definitely don't feel like I've got this anymore - I feel like it's well and truly got me. I really don't know what else I can do that I am not already doing, to try and sort things out. I wish there was a click and it will all be ok button. I really need one of them right now.
Well that was another rant sorry (eye roll at myself). One bonus to not having to get to this meeting today is that I can lie down and melt for a couple of hours under my blanket, which is where I am heading now.
Hope this afternoon is better for you Bella, that the ocean stays calm phoenix_rising (big yay for your awesome news too) and that it's a good day for anyone who is reading this.
