I’m bored.. + some random thoughts

[Blackcloud]

@tyme i have to my mum but she doesnt listen. and i dont talk to my dad at all, so...

to answer your question, yes that's like part of the main reason why they want me to get a boyfriend/husband.

I have been referred to some services that have been provided to me by an eheadspace counsellor that i just spoke to regarding this situation and have just submitted a contact form on the Youth Law Australia website and included the whole situation on there

[tyme]

I'm glad you reached out @Blackcloud 

Let's see how things go. It seems your family don't realise how much it is affecting you.

[Blackcloud]

@tyme @and I find it extremely sickening how getting married in your 20s especially is a cultural thing in my culture like what the actual f***…..

I’m in contact with 1800 RESPECT right now and about to talk to the specialist counsellors there 

my family doesn’t even care at the end of the day because it’s their culture and their cultural beliefs and a lot of the times I keep thinking and complaining about why the hell was I even being biologically assigned to this ethnic background in the first place….

[rav3n]

gosh that sounds super frustrating! @Blackcloud it's difficult balancing our ethnic background/cultural views, family expectations, etc., with what we want and today's world. 

i think sometimes our parents forget that we're the ones who have to deal with the actual marriage and consequences of it, not them. 

i do wonder, if you hypothetically did give the guy they chose a chance, what typically happens? do you guys talk/date for a bit to see if your compatible first? or are you expected to get engaged/married immediately?

[Blackcloud]

@rav3n @that’s why I’ve been getting in contact with forced marriage related services since today after I got referred to a couple of these services from 1800 RESPECT that I spoke to yesterday 

with your questions in your last paragraph, when my mum offered me a guy that she wanted to introduce me to, she did offer me to talk/date him for a bit to see how we go with each other first. But I don’t wanna put myself in that kind of situation even if it’s a talking/dating kind of thing because on what earth why the hell would I wanna date and marry a guy that lives in our ethnic country… and then I’d have to sponsor him eventually after whenever we get married?!?!!!! And I HAVE heard that sponsoring an immigrant costs a heck ton of money… so that’s another risk

i generally do NOT want to be in a relationship NOR get married especially in my 20s (unlike my mum) because there’s no way I see myself being in a relationship. Plus I have fears regarding being in relationships, knowing how evil and abusive a lot of men in this world can be towards their partners.

[rav3n]

@Blackcloud it's good that you've reached out to services for support with this, it's not always an easy conversation to have on your own. 

i hear you, i've had similar conversations about dating someone from my ethnic background with my parents too. some people are genuine and don't care about where you live, while others do take advantage of your citizenship. oh and if you have to sponsor him, he should be open to pay for it... seems unfair to place that financial responsibility onto you. 

i guess that's why dating/talking with the guy for a while is important, so you can pick up on potential red flags... but either way you mentioned you're not ready to date any time soon - is there a reason your mum's pushing you to get married asap? is it so you're 'protected' or more of a cultural expectation to be married off by 25? or both?

[Blackcloud]

@rav3n @

agree!! I also think that the partner should be able to pay for the sponsors instead of me paying for it if I had to sponsor him… another thing my mum did say to me though is that she’s never seen me hang out with a guy here in Australia before which is true and I do think that’s why she went onto the extent to tell our extended family members in Cambodia that she wants me to be with a guy who is Cambodian and not of a guy who isn’t Cambodian.. which I feel that’s pretty racist if you ask me

I have a feeling that it’s more of the latter since last year she did mention that my aunty will introduce me to a guy and that I would have to talk to (and/or marry?) him in 2/3 or 4 years time…and also cause she said specifically that being 22 (which was my age last year) is the age that you’re already supposed to be in a relationship…. -__-

the protection part I would think so as well, but also because she wants me to have someone who would be able to take care of me especially if I get older and I happen to get really sick one day and may end up dying kind of thing…

[rav3n]

ahh i see! @Blackcloud i'm not sure if that's necessarily 'racist' though, i think there's quite a lot of ethnic groups that prefer to marry within their ethnic group for reasons such as shared understanding over cultural values and traditions, same language so easy to communicate/understand each other, similar spiritual/religious beliefs, etc. but it definitely seems like she made an assumption about you based on not seeing you interact with guys... which isn't fair either. would be open to dating a Cambodian guy who's lived in Aus? actually have you had a convo with your mum/family about what type of guy you would be okay with dating in the future?

ohhh okay, well that's good that they'd be open to you dating the guy for a few years so you get plenty of time to decide if he's right for you. but definitely sucks about pressuring you when you're not ready. 23 is still so young!!! like 20 years ago i guess married off by 25 was common but now, esp in australia, i feel like a lot of asian women are putting off marriage/dating stuff for later in their 20s so you're not alone. 

the protection part... it's really caring of your family to worry about you like this, i do see their pov. it's seems like a big clash between your parents wanting you to be safe and protected now vs you not wanting to worry about dating and live your life first. at the end of the day, it's your life and your choice. 

[Blackcloud]

@rav3n yeah you're right, it's just that since I myself have always hated being a cambodian for a number of reasons and does not ever wish to associate my ethnicity with the culture itself at anytime soon, so yeah. I dont see myself ever willing to reconnect with the culture

with the shared values and traditions though, what about if I was born ethnically Cambodian that was born and raised in a foreign country (a cambodian diasporic) vs a cambodian that was born and raised in cambodia, wouldn't that mean both me and the latter person would have different values and beliefs with regards to certain things e.g. mental health -- like i myself am well aware about mental health whereas the latter doesnt even understand anything about the existence or the concepts of mental health. thats the main part about marrying to someone that was born and raised in their own ethnic country that im concerned about, because all of that would lead to a huge clash of opinions

i did also think about wanting to look for a guy whose cambodian thats born and raised in australia too. i even told my mum that but then she was like "how am i supposed to find a cambodian person that lives in australia?" because unfortunately out of our whole family, me, my parents and my sister are the only one in the family that live in australia, and my mum doesnt personally know any other cambodians here in australia so yeah..

actually yes i did tell my uncle about my ideal type, but then again when my uncle or aunty finds someone in cambodia though, then its gonna be hard for me to determine if that person that theyve found would fit my ideal type though because i feel like they're just basically finding anyone at this point...to be honest. also, as far as i know, a lot of cambodian men dont even like to express any emotions and always have to appear 'tough' and stoic like my uncle and my other male relatives always do which I extremely hate.

the reason why im not really open to be in a relationship though because im already aware of the risks of being in one, and i have read that its common for women in particular to be more likely abused by their male counterparts that they personally know of than a male stranger

[rav3n]

if connecting with your culture isn't something you're interested in, that's totally okay too @Blackcloud 

yep i hear you, i've had similar thoughts myself. i can't speak for Cambodians, but in my experience with Indians (i'm ethnically Indian), i've met some who were born & brought up in India and they have completely opposite views to me (there's a lot of stigma in my culture too around things like mental health), but i've also met some who have the same views as me. despite being born and brought up in different countries, some people there go to international schools or consume western media that influence their views/values. DEFINITELY has been a hit or miss finding the people i relate to though... and i imagine it may be similar for you. a good majority of those who live in Cambodia probably have views similar to your family, but there's a chance that there are a few with similar views/interests as you too or have dealt with similar issues with identity, mental health, etc. 

ohh yeah, it does get tricky when your parents don't have any connections in Aus. i wonder if there's a club/society for Cambodians in Aus? like how some unis have cultural clubs, i wonder if there's one you can find on facebook or online? 

that's good you've told them your type at least!! hmm interesting what you mentioned about the men tending to me 'emotionless', i guess this makes sense with your daydreaming about emotional men! i hope a man who's in touch with his emotions finds you (when you're ready ofc)! 

oh 😕 hearing those kinds of news and statistics around safety and abuse can definitely be terrifying. i wish things like dating and marriage didn't require us to fear for our safety. is there anything that you think will help you with feel safer or less fearful about pursuing a relationship?

and do you feel this way only about dating or about making friends too?