I’m bored.. + some random thoughts

[Blackcloud]

@rav3n @also, other than the post I’ve wrote above, I can’t get over the fact that my mum wants me to be with someone (like an actual boyfriend/future husband) I think before my late 20s because in her fricken mindset, she considers being in a relationship or getting married around that age group and in your 30s to be “too late” and I really wish I can change the way she thinks or she changes that mindset because that’s the reason why I can’t stop thinking about it and she did say that she will get my aunty to assign a guy to me that is of the same ethnicity as us from our ethnic country which I’m guessing it’ll happen either next year or the year after. FYI, I’m 23. Now, I’m already really scared and worried about having to be with someone especially when they’re someone whose from their own ethnic country mainly due to different values and beliefs that they have since they were born and raised there, and that’s where my main problem/issue with that is. Also, there are other reasons why I really do NOT want to be in a relationship but yet my mum (and my dad as well I know) wants me to be in a relationship just because of the whole “whose gonna look after you when you’re old and when you’re gonna have serious health problems and die later on” type of thing AS WELL AS… having someone else I can live with as well…? As my parents don’t want me to live alone forever….

everytime I think about this, I usually break down (crying) as a result and it’s mainly because of the fact that my freedom was definitely taken away from my mum (who she always considers herself to be a “caring” and “good” mother to me…of course she does 😑😑😑😑) and the fact that she and my dad can’t even change their fricken mindset on this unlike people of other cultures who share the same mindset as I do when it comes to being single and the issues of being in a relationship. I personally have never been in a relationship before but I am already aware of….the problems that goes on in relationships including the abuse parts and disagreements and stuff.

And yes, I’ve been telling my psychologist about this whole issue too and I plan to continue on telling her about it because this is an ongoing issue that I have now anyways so…

@Jynx 

[Jynx]

@Blackcloud aww hun!! I am no stranger to parental pressures, especially when they seem insistent on controlling our narratives. And when it comes to parents, it's soooo much harder for us to break away from because those parts of our brain were wired in childhood. Plus there's this incredibly pervasive social norm of 'parents know best' or whatever, where we're often pressured to maintain bonds with family purely because of blood relations, regardless of whether that relationship is actually healthy for us. 

The thing is, well at least in my experience, relationships - particularly intimate relationships - don't really form from pressure. So for me, the more I tried to look for a romantic partner, the more I struggled. Because I was trying to find a person to fit a role for me, the role of 'my partner', rather than just trying to connect with them as a human being. No one likes being put into a role, it feels like being controlled. So of course, no one wanted to pursue anything with me. And then, like you mentioned, there's the risk that we are going to end up in an abusive relationship, because maybe we ignored the red flags because 'oh I have a partner now so mum has finally backed off what relief' or something like that. 

It can be sooooo rough when our parents have filled our minds with their own wants and desires and their own interpretations of reality, because sometimes it means we have to detangle ourselves from their narratives in order to discover our own wants and our own values. If seeking out an intimate relationship doesn't feel safe or doesn't feel like it is something you really wanna be focusing your energy on, that's absolutely your choice!! The tricky part is detaching from the pressures your parents are putting on you... when my parents were pressuring me heaps, I found the only thing that worked was to stop trying to seek their approval. Do you feel like it's your parents' approval you're maybe looking for? Or for them to be proud of you maybe? Cos like, big mood lol. 

[Blackcloud]

@Jynx @everything you said here is absolutely 100% spot on and I fully agree!!

and to answer your last question, I guess neither? Because well last year she actually told my aunty and my grandma about how she wants me to be with someone who is of our ethnicity, sooo…and then that day comes…then that was when she came to my room to tell me that my aunty wanted to introduce me to someone. Before she told me that, she seemed completely nervous and hesitant at first because of the way that she kept looking down whilst stepping back from my bedroom door as she was about to go grab the door handle, and she did it twice in a row before she told me that unexpected news. After that, I yelled at her with “WHY??” And then she immediately was like “hey! You can’t be alone forever. Youre at the age where you’re already supposed to have a partner. You need someone to look after you when you’re older and you get really sick before you die” AND THEN….after she left the room I broke down really hard the rest of the day and then after that she came to my room like 2-3 times after that but after I keep telling her all these things regarding what I’m scared/worried about having a partner ESPECIALLY whilst I’m on DSP but she kept saying stuff like “he will financially support you. You’re lucky that Cambodian people (were Cambodian FYI) are actually really good (as in they’re really friendly/sweet or something)” and other than that she keeps dismissing my concerns and my cries about it all…. It was indeed the worst day/afternoon/night that I’ve ever had that day. It got to the point where my eyes were puffy the next day because I cried so much from that. Well that same day was the day I volunteered at an OP shop and this very kind lady who is also another regular volunteer (she’s in her 60s) noticed that I looked flat. At first I did tell her that I was fine after she asked me if I was ok but that was because we  both worked at the register area so I didn’t really wanna tell her much about it until when we had lunch in the tea/break room. So when her and I ate lunch in that room together, that’s when I told her about it and the advice and stories she gave me about that felt relieving and made me feel a bit better, so I really thank her for that.

and yeah…well, my mum did say last year that my aunty will get me a boyfriend within the next few years (I remember her saying like it’ll happen within 2 or 3 years time..which that would make it either next year or the year after). So……

Edit: and not gonna lie, I was almost about to cry whilst typing all that, especially the part about my mum announcing that stupid news to me

Edit 2: also, not to mention again that she did say to me at that time that she never saw me hang out with a guy ever here in Melbourne. Like sure thats true. But seriously???😑😑😑😑

[Jynx]

@Blackcloud oh gosh!! So much pressure!! Hmmm it does sound like this has brought up a lot of emotions for ya!! I'm gonna respond below, but also pls don't engage with it until you're ready!! If you need to take some time to settle your system first that's never a bad idea 😉💜

Oh wow, yeah she's got some VERY narrow ideas of what life 'ought' to be hey. And adding in that layer of cultural complexity to the mix, yeesh!! Do you feel a strong sense of connection to your heritage/culture? Cos I imagine that could also be playing a part in the sense of like.... 'it's not just something mum wants from me, it's what everyone wants.' Does that resonate? 

I can sorta imagine that this is likely to be her attempt to show you she cares, in the only way she knows how to - i.e. if she truly believes that all women need a husband to take care of them when they're older, then this is her (perhaps misguided and misattuned) attempt at ensuring that you will be cared for after she is gone. 

Having said that, that doesn't mean that it isn't having a huge impact on you!! And it doesn't mean that you need to just roll over and take it. How do you go with setting boundaries with your mum? 

[Blackcloud]

Hi @Jynx @it’s all good haha I was able to read and get through the whole thing you just wrote 😄

 I honestly don’t feel any connection to my culture except for the food. Plus, ever since I was in primary school I always felt ashamed to be the ethnicity that I was biologically assigned to, and I’m still not proud of being part of that ethnic group to this day for  reasons. This might be TMI, but sometimes I do wish that I would be a different race/ethnicity where a lot of people in those ethnic groups don’t put the relationships/age stereotype thing first before anything else. And yeah I think the quote that you mentioned does kinda resonate I would think? I feel that even though a lot of the Cambodian people that were born in my generation would or may still want kids but I hope I’m wrong about that to be honest…and plus, all of us gen z’s around the world all have access to social media anyways and that’s the main platform/place where we all learn about the more progressive things from.

Honestly, I do wish that sometimes I don’t even have a mother anymore lol not just because of all these pressures she’s always been putting on me, but also because of the disagreements and different opinions/beliefs her and I would have, a lot of them is mainly due to her own cultural beliefs since her and my dad both grew up and were raised over there. I even messaged my mum directly like two weeks ago saying that I sometimes wish I don’t even have a mother anymore and her response to that was “I’m too good for you” 😑😑😑 

well honestly how I go with setting boundaries with her is…..a lot of yelling and stuff but a lot of that is mainly to do with me defending myself from her pressures and beliefs that she puts on me.

theres another thing that I was thinking about recently when it comes to this though…I know that this kind of thing doesn’t exist anyway but do you think if I were to report her to the police and tell them about the whole situation, that they’d be able to take action or do anything about it? Even if I were to get my psychologist to write some letter of support or something like that as evidence..? I know I would need to have like more of the concrete evidence (like the audio or video type evidence) but I don’t even have any of those recorded unfortunately. It’s just that I was thinking if I were to get the police involved and try getting them in some way to not allow my mum to take away my freedom from her pressures that I don’t even 1000000% agree to!! But I 100% doubt the police will do anything about it because I don’t even know if they consider that sort of thing to be ‘abuse’ in the court’s books. I really hate how you have to have concrete (audio or video) evidence for any situations like these when it comes to reporting issues to the police though… 

[Jynx]

@Blackcloud do you live with your parents/are you dependent on them at all? Going 'no contact' is absolutely a valid course of action to consider!! It's obviously a lot harder if we still need to rely on them though. Here's an article if you're interested!! What to expect when going no contact with a parent

I have no idea when it comes to what your legal rights are or whether police involvement would be needed - but you can always contact LegalAid for some insights? They operate state by state so just google em, should be a free call I think!!

No children for ya? Me neither!! I have absolutely no desire, so I totally get it. Sounds like this is just unheard of amongst your fam hey. It sounds like not only is this situation wrapped up in your parents' expectations, but society's as well!

[Blackcloud]

@Jynx @no I live on my own now.

ooh ok I’ll consider on contacting LegalAid then!

oh, yeah I did express to my mum during the same day that she brought up the news that I don’t even fricken want kids and she seems to have kinda accepted that? Considering she knows of how much I despise kids including my own cousins (my mum’s nieces) when they were once kids at the time. Yeah, I definitely do not want kids and will NEVER ever want any ever in my life lmao!

[Jynx]

@Blackcloud Yeah I mean, I can barely look after myself and my two cats lol a screaming child would be a nightmare!! I'm glad she has kinda accepted it... or maybe she's just repressed it? 😅 When I first told my mum I wanted top surgery I think she legitimately just purged it from her brain, cos I mentioned it later and she had no clue what I was talking about 🙃

[Blackcloud]

@Jynx @Haha, yeah I see.

btw I had my phone session with my peer worker yesterday and it went well!

and I’m gonna be having my very first face to face session with my support worker tomorrow so I’m looking forward to that. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned about that already but if I do, sorry if I repeated haha. It’s just that it is tomorrow and how I feel about having a support worker now. 😄

[Jynx]

@Blackcloud Oooh exciting! Annnnnd nerve-wracking I'm sure!! Haha 

You never need to worry about repeating info to me lol my ADHD brain forgets everything. So you can tell me stuff many times and I will only remember like half of it ahaha

What are you hoping for from your session tomorrow?