I hit my partner

[s3same]

My partner and I have been together for a year. I hit them yesterday. I have a history with being sexually assaulted, I have never been, seriously, physically hit. I have not been touched inappropriately for years and I have never acted out because of it, I have never hit anyone before.

Yesterday my partner and I were about to have shower when I turned around to turn the water on they grabbed my butt, I turned around without a thought and slapped them in the face. I don't know why I did this, I think I was scared but I don't know why I was scared. Thankfully, the impact did not bruise, it did not leave a red mark; I am not trying to say this to make the situation any less severe - I am just trying to explain. 

They have a fear of domestic violence as they have watched their mother go through similar, and they were hit as a child by their stepfather. So as you could imagine, they were upset. I apologised immediately, and have several thousands times since, I know an apology is pretty much meaningless. I immediately assumed the worst and told them they can leave if they felt unsafe, I am not keeping them here by any means.

They didn't leave. They stayed, we spoke about. They are trying to be okay, they keep brushing it off and saying that they are being 'silly' and that they will 'get over it'. I've told them that none of those things are true and I don't want them to ignore it, although it was never something that I considered ever doing and I will not do ever again, they are still trying to ignore it. But I don't want them to ignore it. They told me they will be fine, I just need to act normal. They understand it was an accident, but I still hit them and they are still upset about it - which I understand. 

We have spoken briefly today but I could tell they were forcing themselves to reply to me, I told them to reach out when they are comfortable and I will leave them alone until then. 

What do I do? Is there anything else I can do, Is my relationship saveable or should I make the decision for my partner and break up with them for their own sake. 

[Ru-bee]

Hello @s3same and welcome to the forums.

I'm glad that you've felt able to reach out here during this hard situation. 

It sounds as though this event has really struck a nerve with both of you as it has brought on memories from your pasts that sound as though they were likely traumatic. 

It really does sound as though you are doing what you can at the moment, by talking to them about what happened, apologizing and then giving them space to process. They may just really need time right now.

In the meantime, do you have any supports who you can talk to about this? 

[MJG017]

Hi @s3same, welcome to the forum.

It sounds like a really tricky situation.  It seems like with your own history you reacted instinctively from your own trauma.  Your partner also has trauma she is dealing with so needs some time to process what happened.  They may just need a bit of time to go through it in their mind and feel safe again.  They may just be brushing it off because they're still trying to process it.

Have you ever had any counseling?  It seems your reaction, while it came out of nowhere, must have come from somewhere.  It may be helpful to talk to someone about this and get a better understanding to help prevent it happening again.

So i'd suggest to just continue to let them know you're open to discussing it as much or as little as they need.  You've taken accountability for it and that does matter but try and put yourself in their shoes... you may accept that it was an accident but it would take a while to feel that trust and safety again.  Give them the time they need, the support if they want it and it's clear that you want to continue the relationship so you now have to trust them and allow them to make their own decision, it wouldn't be fair to make that sort of decision for them, and I think you're just allowing your guilt to make that decision.

Hopefully you can both come together a use this as a learning opportunity and to gain a better understanding of the trauma you both have. I've found that getting some understanding on my own trauma responses allows me stronger control over them.  I hope you can both move forward from this in a way that focuses on the wellbeing of both of you.

[myheartache]

You are being brave fessing up to this! It does sound like a startle kind of response. And a lot of stress. I am sure your partner would like to clear the air too but it may be too early for them. People need their own time to work through it before they can talk about it with anyone.

Can I suggest that you just ask that there is a conversation about WHEN you will talk about it, as that is important? You both have trauma, so you both have processing and emotions to consider. But I think a plan to eventually talk about it is a promising start without pressure on anyone. Like in the next few days. Good luck!