I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Is it ok not to solve it? @tyme. Would that leave me unsure and uncomfortable with it all? 

I don’t get ‘ I wonder if this is the secret?’ My it’s because I’m so dumb. Sorry. 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 , I've just seen your previous post. Why do you think you are 'dumb'? That pretty harsh to say that about yourself.

Hope you are okay.

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

Is it harsh if it’s true? 

Example of stupid. I was driving home last night and nearly had an accident. My fault. My impatience. My stupidity. 

Another example. I changed out of my boots at my locker tonight. I grabbed my phone and walked all the way to my car. It wouldn’t unlock. No stupid me left my keys in my locker and had to walk all the way back again. 

No.. I’m not ok. 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ,

Is that your 'evidence'?

If so, well.... can I just say I might have to take the cup?

Do you think it is helpful to hold onto these thoughts? Are they going to help you to be okay?

I'm not sure what support looks like for you at the moment. Any thoughts?

I hear how hard being in your own head can be. Sorry for all the questions. I hope I'm not interfering. If I am, please let me know and I'll step back. The last thing I want is to overstep the mark.

I know I mentioned that I'd walk the way with you, but feel free to let me know if that's not what you want.

I'm more than open to hearing.

Hugs @Captain24 . Sorry you are still in this headspace.

[Captain24]

That’s some of my evidence @tyme. There is plenty more. 

Im not sure I know what you mean by ‘take the cup?’ Sorry. Another example of being dumb. 

These thoughts aren’t helpful. They don’t help me at all. It makes things even worse but it’s just so hard. I have so much self-hatred going on. So much. I don’t know what can help. I honestly don’t know what support looks like. But I know I do need help. (Sorry not recovery focused) 

You are totally NOT interfering. If you took a step back it would hurt my broken spirit. 

Please keep walking.. I feel like I need someone in my corner. 

Have I said or done anything for you to question this. I’m really sorry if I have. I haven't meant it. 

This space is really dark. The hatred is pouring out of my soul. 

I hope what I have written is ok. I feel scared that it’s not. 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ,

Thank you for giving me the permission to 'walk with you'. It helps to know where I stand. I'm sorry you feel so broken hearted at the moment. It sounds so hard. If I could take these thoughts away, I would.

As for 'take the cup', I mean I win the trophy for being dumb. I do lots of stupid things all the time. I've told you about me putting my mobile in the fridge, and also putting the phone through a full laundry cycle!

In a way, I feel these thoughts are similar to the invasive thoughts that people with OCD or and eating disorder may have. They are constantly there. What do you think?

I wonder if your psychologist can continue working on managing these invasive thoughts with you?

It's been really hot here today.... and my niece nearly drowned.. she somehow slipped out of her floatie and was under the water. I saw the floaty float away and I screamed, then my nephew grabbed her head out of the water, and I jumped in to get her out....

Thank God everything was okay... but yeah, we all had a fright.

[Captain24]

Thanks for being with me @tyme 

I get the cup now! I’m so dumb!!! I’ve done the washing with my phone but remembered it as the washing machine wash filling. 

Now that you point it out.. it is very similar. I don’t have a high opinion of myself at the best of times. But right now it’s really bad. There is so much more to say but I don’t think I’m allowed. I think all that’s going on is making it worse.

I don’t see my psych for just under 2 weeks. I’ve got to get through this holiday. Being in a bad headspace is going to make it so much harder. It’s really scaring me. I’m really scaring myself as it is. It’s pretty dangerous. 

Oh that would have been so scary. Lucky your nephew was on the ball! I’m guessing she doesn’t even get how bad it was. The water can be so dangerous even with supervision. Have you let her back in since? Also has the sleep reward chart going? 

[tyme]

Glad to sit with you @Captain24  🙂 - Honestly.

Yes, I see so many similarities between the intrusive thoughts of ED, OCD, and what I have. They are constant, and the impact depends on the relationship you learn to have with those thoughts. It doesn't mean the thoughts will disappear, but they will have the weight they are worth - not much, if anything. 

As for the washing, at least you remembered your phone! I didn't, and it went through an entire cycle - must've come out squeaky clean!

And my niece? I think she was in shock. She said she couldn't walk. She just sat there. I had to monitor her in case she wasn't well. And the thing is, she has been on the waitlist for swimming lessons for 1.5 years now. She was supposed to start tomorrow. I'm not sure if she'll go now that this has happened. She might be too scared. The issue was, she was never scared before and was open to just getting into the pool. Now, the pendulum may have swung the other way.

And guess who is in my bed tonight? My niece.... argh... she said her room is too hot and my place is cool so she's jumped into my bed. I whinged at her and said I wanted my own space, but still, I couldn't say no to her.. so yeah... she's here with me at my place. But other than that, she's been in her own bed for all the other school nights. 

The other two kids? Nah, they failed miserably. 

[Captain24]

They are so bad that they make me cry @tyme. I’ve been crying a lot. I’m not a big crier but lately it’s out of control. So so much pain. So many dark urges. 

It’s so heavy on my chest and so dark and murky. It’s just like a solid lump. 

I hope she can recover quick from it. Maybe swimming lessons will help. Retrain her that water is fun. I just may take a little longer than you thought. I’m praying for you that she is able to be resilient. 

At least you got school nights. You’ve managed to say no all week, that’s an achievement. At least the other 2 don’t come in to you. That’s their parents problem! 😜 

[tyme]

You know what @Captain24 ? I wonder if your meds are still not 'right'. It's just been a long time things have been like this. What's your gut feeling?

I hear that you feel there is this murky solid lump. I can 'feel' it. Thank you for sharing. Is this lump moving by any chance? How heavy is this lump?

My niece was tired tonight so I didn't get much out of her. I'll wait and see how she is tomorrow. I reckon she'll be okay. Just gotta wait and see. 

And yes, I have to be grateful for small mercies and just accept that I've had a few nights with a bed to myself. I can't complain lol.

Which day/date are you going away?