I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

How are you? 

I got through work but I did discover one of my bosses is a huge trigger. At least he is away for a while. 

Did you have a good break? I’m guessing you don’t do Easter? 

[Captain24]

Thanks @Jynx.

I feel like I don’t know what is going on with me. I can go from being the me that came out of hospital to a dark me that self harms. 

The out of body scared me a lot. I was at work when it happened. 

I never really thought working through stuff would be so messy and backwards.

How have you been. 

[tyme]

That's really good that you now know one of your bosses is a huge trigger. I can certainly relate. I've had some ex-bosses in the past who were real triggers for me... I just kept reminding myself why I was there.... I think that's the only way.

I'm glad i don't have that anymore... 

How have you been going since we last spoke?

No, I don't celebrate easter, but I had a good break. Spent a lot of time with the kids. I'm trying to load a photo of the crocodile lego my nephew finished, but I can't get my phone to load the forums... it looks really cool.

Do you have work tomorrow? I'll be on the Peer Group Chat, but free to talk before or after. @Captain24 You can join the PGC too.

[Captain24]

TW: SH

It’s been a wild ride @tyme. I feel like Dr Jeckle and Mr Hyde. I am all over the place.

Content/trigger warning

I’ve SH for the first time in a few months.

The side of me that came out of hospital has a deep ache inside. I know that’s trauma but I need to work on it. 

I’ll be on the chat tomorrow night. 

With photos I have to email them to myself save them and then post them. It’s a difficult process. 

Im glad you all spent time together. 

I do have to say that people at work have noticed a huge change in me

[tyme]

I know you've heard it a million times, but MH recovery is not linear. Expect to have a few setbacks here and there. The main thing is that you have made progress these last few weeks. I don't think the SH is what should be the focus right now. Rather, focus on what you want out of your life.

I'm so keen to hear what people at work have noticed @Captain24 These are certainly things for you to note down.

[Captain24]

Doesn’t ever get easier though? @tyme I feel like I am failing. At least it’s SH and not suicidal urges. I still have the thoughts every night though! 

At work they have said. I look refreshed. I look happy. I look relaxed. I look so good. One guy said to me at the start of shift ‘look at you all smiley’ at the end of shift ‘you’re still smiling’ 

[tyme]

They are really nice compliments @Captain24  🙂

What a difference!

As for getting easier, I reckon it does. I think so many times, we beat ourselves up over our thoughts and that's where the problem starts.... we are our own most critical judge unfortunately. 

So it sounds like it's about looking and working through our thinking processes so that they are more healthy and beneficial. 

[Captain24]

Right now I’m struggling to understand @tyme. Sometimes it just all becomes too hard. Right this very second I don’t know who I am or what I’m even around for. 

[NatureLover]

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@Captain24 wrote:

Right this very second I don’t know who I am or what I’m even around for. 

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I found that with my trauma I had to work through it before I could really start to rebuild myself into a new identity @Captain24 . But it was worth it cos the new identity is stronger and has boundaries so people can't abuse me any more. (Of course my trauma is too deep to ever be fully healed, but I worked through it enough in therapy over many years so that I wasn't living out of my anger and damage 100% of the time like before)

Was so happy to read those beautiful things your co-workers said about you! 

How did you sleep last night without your scripts? Hope today is better...

[Snowie]

@Captain24 it's nice when others notice a difference in us. Keep hold of that hon.

Hoping you got some sleep last night and today is a little brighter for you.

Here with you 💌💌