Hello Dani
Yesterday (Sat) was long. Living in W.A. We had the State election, so my day began at 8.00 am and I arrived home about 10.15 pm. I was handing out cards during the day and scrutineer when the polling place was closed and votes were being counted, sealed, and prepared for return to the State Electoral Office.
I enjoy the social interaction of activities like that and the sense of community service. Consequently, it was both an enjoyable and tiring day. Today (Sun) quiet and peaceful
So pleased that your Friday night meeting with friends was pleasant and successful (in the social sense) and that you enjoyed their company. If you enjoyed their company, I feel sure that they also enjoyed your company and companionship. No doubt, all the more pleasant because of your concern about whether they could still be counted as friends.
Your comment about friends not being counselors is, I think, spot on. My thought from your comment is that friends are there with us, not necessarily for us.
If friendship is to be successful, we and our friends are companions who occasionally go a little outside that companionship to provide support. However, they, and we as companions, I think, should not rely constantly or often on each other as counselors. Friends easily get “burned out” if they feel that they are being leaned on all the time. Correspondingly, we and they, are not getting much joy out of any relationship if the main connection is our unhappiness, sadness, and distress.
Uh-oh, we hit a bump on Saturday. I remember my own childhood and feel sad that, like your mother, mine seemed to have a very mundane and unrewarding existence. To our mothers, in their time, this may or may not have been true. Sometimes, I think we “beat ourselves up” for maybe, although unknowingly and unintentionally, having contributed to, what we now think of as, a very bland and difficult existence for them.
Maybe we shouldn't fight so hard to get away from a past that emulates that of either our mothers or our fathers. There is certainly a lot that we, through the social, community, and even legal developments, have changed during the years since our childhood. We can never condone, justify or rationalize away, any of the very real abuses that we know have occurred in the past and still do. However I do believe that we should be cautious about running away or fighting off, in the present, a lifestyle that existed, one, two, or more generations ago. If we are to live in the present, we need to negotiate our positions within a framework and with methods and techniques that exist in the present.
If one person in our adult partnership is accustomed to and continues to enjoy a certain activity with friends, whether it be a craft afternoon, a game of cricket, croquet, (alright I can see you smiling), scuba diving, a cooking afternoon, canoeing ........ then there is, hopefully, room for negotiation in terms of what the other partner in the relationship might have as time for activities in which they can participate and enjoy. Any discussion then takes on the tone of a meaningful and worthwhile exchange. Worthwhile, because it benefits the family, of two or more, if each is having some personal time and activity that brings something, sometimes nebulous, and hard to define though it may be, back with them when they return to the family group.
If we try to keep fighting off, what we think would otherwise be our lot when thinking of our parents' experience, then we will continue fighting, and probably unsuccessfully. We might also recognize that our parents did not always use, what now may be considered, appropriate methods to fulfill and achieve their own wishes and needs. We need to be cautious of bringing those older methods, that we may remember from our childhood days, into our present-day lives.
I also think that it is worth remembering that our parents' lot was not always one-sided. Women often did, as they often do now, have close and supportive associations and friendships, there was often meaning and purpose in their lives; men's lives, particularly in many work environments, were not always easy either. As I have said, I have no desire to justify any wrongs done, that we see from our perspective now. What I am keen to do is use the skills, knowledge, and understanding that we have in the present day to discuss and resolve present-day issues.
We also recognize today that it is important for the child or children in relationships to have one-on-one time with all adult partners. That is how our social structure has developed for its present purposes. Which is another example of the difference between then and now. I personally believe it is important for all children to have association with and develop skills in relating to others within a range of like and cross-gender activities. In the family, such planned activities can recognize the other partners' interests, particularly with regard to children, and afford that other partner time for those opportunities.
Sometimes, on the basis of past experience, men can feel that they are automatically excluded from time with the children. Those conditioned reactions are often difficult to resolve for the present.
On this basis, in the present, the benefits do not only accrue to the partner having “away” activity time but also, on their return, accrue to the other partner and children. However, neither partner should simply be viewed as the “babysitter”, unless in response to exceptional or emergency circumstances.
So, there are lots of factors that can be taken into account when negotiating time, activities, roles, within and outside the home. I'm sure that those items do not exhaust the possibilities.
Your comment “He didn't take that too well. I did say it in a harsh tone.” brings to mind the paraphrased expression, “you might have won the battle, but did you win the war”. Then that raises the question, “Does there need to be a war at all”. If negotiating skills are used successfully, we all win.
Negotiation does not mean imposition on the other or demands for something, but rather assertively stated wishes and needs and graciously given and received recognition of each person, in the relationship, and their wishes and needs. I even think that this principle can apply to children at a level and in a manner appropriate for their age. A question arises for me, “I wonder if your partner knows that you feel isolated, or if he does know, the manner that the sentiment has been conveyed to him?”
Can you and the children watch his cricket game and build associations and possible friendships within that environment. Those connections can be with others who may be there to support their partner, but may or may not have any particular interest in the game itself. What are the things you like to do? Can you be enjoying what you like to do “in parallel” with their activities? That is, you might be enjoying different activities but in the same physical space as each other. In this way, you may experience each other's enjoyment while not being directly involved in the other's activity. We don't necessarily have to think of different activities as being mutually exclusive. Thinking “outside the box” helps with exploring ideas.
The answer to “is this it?” might be “What can you change that is happening in the present, and how can you begin the process of change?”
What is happening in the present is not necessarily a product of the past, but may be what you recall, or your perception of what happened in the past for your parents, but still remains in your mind in the present.
I say “process of change” because the changes you make will be dependent on the future ”present” that you may want and will exist at any given future “present” time. The means and ways you will accomplish that future “present” will be with your own continuously evolving skills, knowledge, and understanding.
The similarities in your present life, to that which your mother experienced, could very likely be a product of your projection of yourself, backward, to a place that you recall from your childhood. Where else does fear of such a life, in your “present” life come from? So some of the current issues may not be from what is outside of you now, but from what memories are held within you.
Your comment “That's why I tried to escape.” begs the question “Do you actually know from what it is that you are trying to escape” and “What is the place to which you are escaping?”
The negotiation strategy means you have:
a present position, that will, as in all our lives, be constantly changing
a projected target or goal. Some future positions being more stable and others more fluid, but none standing still.
all the factors that you will have to take into account in moving from present position to future goal or target.
a method by which to accomplish the movement from present to future position(s). This will be, in part, where your negotiating skills fit in.
Those four items constitute your plan. It might seem very structured at first, but could, if you feel it is appropriate and you want it to, become a normal part of your life after a while.
The usual caveats apply – practice first on targets that are reasonably assured of success and fairly quickly achievable. Practice builds success models as well as confidence.
You have mentioned that the children and your partner don't have similar interests to you. Would you be happy to say what your interests are? You said your partner plays cricket, however, did not mention what you like doing or the children.
What I have written, Dani, comes from my own life experience, in family, work, and social activities, so it is personal. I have no formal qualifications in psychology.
I hope my responses reflect the fact that I do enjoy their preparation and return to you, and am happy to continue chatting as long as you would like to do so.
Please remember, as I have said before, that my responses also help me.
Thank you for offering your experiences, pleasant and otherwise, your concerns, interactions with your partner, family, and reflections on the assistance given by your psychologist, on all of which, I have been able to base my observations.
And thank you especially for the last three lines of the message to which I am responding.
With Best Wishes
HenryX
