Feeling Fragile

[Dani1981]

Hello, 

I, like almost everyone, had a pretty shit 2020. I did some pretty horrible things which I am ashamed about. My marriage was on the brink of collapsing. And then, things looked positive... I cancelled booked psychologist appointments and my psych appointment - she said that i should go back on my anti depressants which i was not happy to do. I cancelled my counselling sessions because i thought i was ok.

Fast forward to today - i feel like crying all of the time, Ive lost interest in doing things, and sometimes i think about hurting myself. I tell myself I would never try anything stupid, but I am just so fragile at the moment. Its getting so hard. It seems pretty obvious that I am depressed. Maybe i am just in denial, i dont want to take the med's again.

Is anyone out there to chat with?

[Appleblossom]

hallo @Dani1981 

Sorry things are that bad for you atm.

Often the forum is very quiet in the mornings. I have just logged on. I relate strongly to feeling fragile and have shared a lot on a similar thread.

Often forum conversations happen slowly over time, even days between posts, so dont feel rejected, its not you, it is just the way it is.

Take care and stay safe

Apple

[Judi9877]

Hello @Dani1981 . I'm sorry you feel depressed and down at the moment. I have depression as one of my mental health conditions and I know that last year was pretty bad. I'm in Melbourne and had to endure a very long lockdown which impacted on my mental health. 

I want to tell you there is nothing bad about relapsing back into depression and possibly having to go back on medication again. The way I see it is it's all part of the recovery journey and with each little stumble, we learn and grow from the experience so think of it as a good thing. You might only need meds for a little while which is great. Please remember there are helplines that you can contact some of which are listed under SANE helplines .

I hope you find the support and assistance you require. Take care.

Judi9877

[TideisTurning]

Hey @Dani1981, you are certainly not alone there. 2020 was a horrible & difficult year for many. I'm sorry to hear things have still been tough for you though. I really hope you're able to find some connection here on the Forums and things improve for you soon. Take care 🌷

[HenryX]

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Hello Dani,

Your feelings are similar to what I have felt at various times. Like you, I tend to think "I'll tough it out myself". At the moment I am considering making an appointment to speak with a Psychologist to whom I have had a referral dated over twelve months ago. The change for me was precipitated by the passing of my Mother about eighteen months ago. Mum had lived with me for ten years.

I believe that, from the outside looking into my space, other people would probably be aware that I am just managing to 'keep my head above water' in a psychological sense. However, my pride gets in the way and hence the delay in taking the referral opportunity available to me. On the other hand, I see my doctor about once a month, so I do have some regular oversight of my health position. Because I now live by myself, it is the day to day things, like responding to correspondence, house-work, etc. with which I have most difficulty.

I also continue to take anti-depressant medication, from an initial diagnosis about twenty years ago. At times. I have tried to reduce the medication. However, each time, the outcome has not been positive. Whenever I did either try to reduce the medication, or had forgotten to take it, or not had the tablets with me, a close friend, who knows my circumstances well, was quick to pick it up and ask me whether I had taken the tablets. Sometimes the effect is more apparent to people around us than to ourselves. While the prospect of having to continue to take medication might not be appealing, I have found that, for me, the alternative can be even less appealing and more unpleasant.

Having a counsellor you trust, I believe, despite my own stated reluctance, is equally important. I have spoken before with the counsellor to whom I have a referral. She was a great support during the time following my initial diagnosis. We often do not like to acknowledge that we may again need assistance. However, when we overcome our own reluctance and inertia, the positives can be significant.

The opportunity to discuss, in a non-judgemental environment, the horrible things and feelings and the ways of addressing issues that present from time to time, is invaluable. And it is also good to talk about those things we feel we have accomplished and that have been positive in our lives. Genuine acknowledgement, by a counsellor, and their unreserved support for even simple positive aspects, that we may feel would be too small to discuss with friends, can be really uplifting. It is not so much about the significance of each individual positive, but the combined effect of many small positives through which we can maintain and improve our momentum. A good counsellor is adept at helping us resolve the negatives, and maybe more especially, acknowledging and building on the positives.

I often reflect on the idea that when we are recommending a direction for someone else, with our index finger, we have three fingers pointing back to ourselves. It is possible that, in responding to your comment, I might take my own advice and book that appointment. In that way, you may well have helped me.

My Best wishes,

HenryX

[Dani1981]

Thank you @Appleblossom @Judi9877 @TideisTurning and @HenryX 

I got a chance to speak to a counsellor who I had spoken to last year during a very dark time. It was really good for me. I would say Ive done a 180 back flip. I would not say that I am out of the woods - as there is no such thing when it comes to being depression prone. But I am feeling much better since speaking with him. Thank you for your support and messages. 

[Dani1981]

I am sorry to hear about what you've been through @HenryX 

I hope you find what you're looking for.

For me, the toughest part was spending time with kids as I would often snap at them and get angry for small things that they would do. 

I was talking to a friend of mine who would not even imagine seeing a counsellor. She has a supportive mother with whom she nuts things out with. I never really had that, Ive always seen either a psychiatrist or psychologist since finishing high school. I am about to join group therapy (which she also thought was uncomfortable). I hope it helps me. 

Anyway, hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.

[HenryX]

Hello Dani,

It is great to hear that you have had the opportunity to speak with a counsellor with whom you feel comfortable. Your discussion appears, from what you have indicated, to have been very productive.

Those "woods" can seem really scary when we are feeling alone. I am pleased that you took the chance to "call out" to see if anyone was around. It was reassuring to me, as a newcomer, to see that your call was responded to as it was.

It is my belief that many people who experience psychological issues, such as depression, also have in their character a certain sensitivity that can be guided and channelled in ways that can be rewarding and productive for themselves and very often for the benefit of others.

I do hope that you will be able to plan on having a really happy week ahead, one day at a time.

With Best Wishes, HenryX

[Dani1981]

Hello @HenryX 

Thanks for your message. I do take each day as it comes.

These last few days have been good. I have not 'cracked it' at the kids so much, although they really were testing my patience tonight!

I do feel alone a lot. But I am glad that I am back on here. It does make me happy to know that I am not, in fact, completely alone. 

Enjoy your week.

[HenryX]

Hello Dani,

{This is a reply that I wrote to your note, of 20 Feb 2021 03:53 PM, but I 'lost' as "autosaved" in the draft section – my unfamiliarity with the site map. However, I hope the sentiments and ideas, that relate to your reply on that Saturday afternoon, (now two weeks ago), are still appropriate}

Thank you very much for your reply, and I appreciate your response to my comments.

I have spoken about my 'difficulty' in even making an appointment to speak with a counselor, despite the fact that I logically understand the benefits. Because of that, I understand how

your friend feels.

Sometimes, however, it can be beneficial to have another perspective from a qualified counselor. That being a person who is not directly involved in our lives and is more "at arm's length". That person can often help us to map out a path through what can sometimes seem and feel like a minefield. It always remains our map, over which we retain control while receiving that guidance. Consequently, the support you have received, since finishing high school, may very well have been the best possible support for you.

When family members are 'engaged' as advisers, they can sometimes, consciously or otherwise, implant their perception, of where they think we should be, in our life positions and situations. This can sometimes be appropriate, but at other times may be confusing, or even conflict jarringly with our own considered inclinations.

We can sometimes be happy to be led along a path we have long been familiar with. Each person makes their own decision on the issue of who they 'retain' as advisers. I would certainly recommend, though, against your feeling that you had to make do with "second best".

You've mentioned the 'group therapy' that you intend to join. That will, I am sure, provide another opportunity for your expansion of awareness and experience. Firstly, of your own situations

{life being, not one, but a complex of situations}

and, secondly, of other people's positions, and how they deal with them; and whether you may think that other ways, that people describe, may be appropriately applied in your own life. Other ways of looking at situations and other perspectives on dealing with them. You also contribute, in like fashion, to their awareness of possibilities, so it is very much a two-way process -

you to them and them to you.

Ideally, you are a giver and receiver too.

I have found group sessions to be somewhat challenging at first until I felt comfortable in, and with the group. I certainly hope that you will find the interaction with the other members of the group to be mutually beneficial

and I would be pleased to know your thoughts.

It seems like you may face your immediate future with a mixture of enthusiasm and some expected trepidation. But that makes life interesting and I hope that you will find the path

stimulating, productive, and rewarding.

Best Wishes,

HenryX