Feel like I'm not real

[Mimm]

Hey, I don't really know how to put to words exactly how I am feeling. So I am going to try my best here and hope that someone understands or can follow where I am going.<br><br>I started DBT, three almost four weeks ago. Which in itself is a challenge. As it's a new environment, having to open up and share and a commitment to turn up two days a week. Also since starting the program, I haven't self harmed. Not because the urges aren't there or the lack of wanting to. I am just so exhausted mentally and physically after group that I don't have the strength to do anything but sleep. Before I started DBT, I was regularly self harming at intervals of every second day for almost two weeks straight. <br><br>Even though I am trying to participate in my group program, I can't seem to name it even shake this feeling. I feel low, want to self harm constantly, yet I don't at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I am not even real. Like life is going on around me and I am stuck.<br><br> I have even tried carrying my survival pack again to see if that provides a comfort. It sounds odd or strange to carry something that could also be so triggering, but in the past I have found it helpful. To know I have one close rather than the constant planning of where to get one.<br><br>I'm not sure if that really explains anything. But I'm hoping someone can relate or something.<br>

[Change123]

@Mimm

I totally relate to how you feel and some of if is maybe disassociation.  When I'm extremely distressed I will feel my brain shutting down where everything is like blah, blah blah, my depression and anxiety will be off the charts but I just sleep as I dont have much energy to do anything else. I also find sleep is a good escape for me. Its almost like you see and hear things happening but you dont care and just retreat furthing into your own shell.  

When I had done my DBT course about 5 - 6 years ago I found it to be a very big emotional roller coaster which is to be expected.  You are bringing up things you dont usually talk about, you see others how they suffer and their stories and then the mental exhaustion of trying to take it all in.  Its tough so dont be too hard on yourself.  The DBT instructors told us to expect to have "melt downs" as the feelings are raw and usually havent been dealt with or explored.

I hope you feel better realising that others feel the same as you and you are not alone!

[Former-Member]

Hi there @Mimm,

That is so great that you have made the step to do DBT and currently through a whole month of it, it sounds challenging and tiring as you are having to open up in a new territory.

I agree with @Change123 that perhaps this feeling of lowness and mixed emotions about self-harming could be due to being completely exhausted? Self-care might be a priority for you right now whether that is sleeping as much as possible or other things that you enjoy to do? Two days is pretty intense, take care of yourself after the sessions,

lunar

[Mimm]

@Change123 and @Former-Member,

Hey. Thanks for getting back to me.
I think exhaustion could be one factor as I am still not sleeping through the night. Been like that for two years though.

Yeah I am finding that with DBT it is very intense. I am still struggling with sharing when it's check in. But my coordinators know that and are letting me go slow.

At least I know now that what I am feeling isn't just me. Which is sort of a relief - aka I'm not sitting here questioning myself. I guess I will continue doing what I am doing, attending my sessions and see how I go.

[utopia]

@Mimm. I wonder if some other people in your DBT group are also going through these sane feelings.
You are in an intensive program - & there maybe things that are starting to bubble up - but haven't come to the surface yet - so you can't name them.
I wonder if you could bring it up with your group facilitator. I bet there wilk be a few heads nodding in the group.
And yes - you are physically and emotionally drained. Sleep when you need. Have an extra long shower. Whatever you think may help.
Well done on doing this course and not SHing.
I wish you all the best.

[Mimm]

@utopia,
Hey. Thanks for your response. I actually ended up having a slight emotional moment in group today. I got so frustrated at one of the work sheets that I walked out. I was proud that I managed to give one of the facilitators my items so I couldn't do anything. After some time out and a chat with one of the facilitators and a few tears. I managed to go back into group. I still feel out of it and just spent all afternoon colouring and doing my homework. And am meant to start Art Therapy tomorrow, but I think my facilitator has a bit of an idea of where I am at. If that makes sense?

[utopia]

@Mimm. Well done for handing over your SH kit. That shows a lot of strength and trust on your side. I really hope that you acknowledge what a wonderful achievement this is. Congratulations.
And after finding it emotionally hard, you walked back into group. Another big achievement.
So although it sounds like it's been an emotional and exhausting day. It has also been a day of victories for you.
Don't forget to reward yourself. A special dinner, a soak in the bath, listening to your favorite music or eating some chocolate.
I'm proud of what you have achieved!

[Shimmer]

Hi @Mimm,

I wanted to echo @utopia's congratulations on doing your DBT course and not self-harming - huge achievements! Also for returning to the group today after walking out in frustration - chatting to your group facilitator about what happened was a great way to manage it, good on you. As @NikNik has said many times, recovery is not a straight line, but has ups and downs along the way - it's how we respond to them that is important and you did really well. I'm glad to hear you are proud of yourself!

We're here to support you along the journey.

Take care,

Shimmer 

[utopia]

@Shimmer @Mimm that reality squiggle is so accurate. Frustrating but accurate. But have you notice how it still gets to the end.
That's what I love about this image.

[Mimm]

@Shimmer and @utopia,

Thanks a lot! I also love what the above image represents, I think when you are constantly within it every day you sort of forget it. But seeing that image, it's sort of like oh yeah that's right. Like you said it's really squiggly but it also has an end. Probably something to try and keep remembering.