Dear @Former-Member
From the description of your friend (stoic and tending not to show her emotions openly or easily), she is quite similar to myself. Fact is, she would be going through so many emotions right now, from feeling numb to being totally overwhelmed. It's possible she is in denial about her husband's prognosis. Or she may be just trying her best to maintain her composure. To seemingly reject your support she may be protecting herself.
When my husband was in hospital in April I was initially told he would never go home, that his prognosis was grim. I was devastated, numb and went about each day in remote control mode. I was at the hospital for 12 hours every day, generally until the nursing staff turfed me out. Initially I did not tell family or friends just how bad he was. They all live a long way away and I did not want to worry them. I just kept hoping the next day things would improve.
I didn't want to believe what they were telling me. But each day the news seemingly got worse, and he had 2 episodes of near-death. I was forced to advise his immediate family members just how bad things were. Throughout the whole 4 weeks that he was in hospital I remained seemingly in control, stoic and largely emotionless. The only time that changed was if someone asked me whether I was coping. That was usually a nurse, a doctor or a social worker. Then I would instantly break down and bawl my eyes out, blubber uncontrollably and be unable to answer. So for me, to reject any prospect of support, was a self preservation thing. I didn't want support, because that would be admitting that I wasn't coping. And to accept offers of help, would have broken me emotionally. While ever I did it on my own, I stayed strong, I knew I had to.
As you are aware, hubby did come home, against all earlier expectations. They just had to find out what was causing his immediate issues. And it was after he came home and things settled back to near normality, that I suffered the most. Of course he still faces a terminal illness, which we continue to deal with daily. But the immediate thread to his life has eased.
As you are obviously a good friend, and have been for 17 years, there will come a time that she will need you. Let her come to you, follow her lead as to what she needs and when. If she gives signals that she does not wish to talk, then let it be. Sometimes it's just too hard to talk.
Probably all you can do for now is to let her know you're there for her when she needs you. I know you've already done that. But next time you are talking try to reinforce that you WANT to help her, and that you're always there for her. Ask her "What can I do to help"?
It may also benefit her to know that you too are hurting. That you consider both of them to be extended family. I know its not about you right now, but it may help her to realise that she isn't alone in her grief and pain.
When she does need to talk and unload to you (I'm sure the time will come), don't feel you have to offer answers or solutions. Sometimes there simply are none. And never underestimate the power of human touch. If both of you are comfortable with it, give her a heartfelt hug or place a gentle comforting hand on her shoulder. No words are necessary, just a caring gesture of support.
She told you that there is nothing anyone can do. Well, she's right, there really isn't. But try not to let her apparent coldness deter you. People in the situation of having a partner facing a terminal diagnosis go through stages which includes anger, fear, disbelief, denial and helplessness. It's likely she's in the helpless stage, given that it appears that all hope for recovery is now lost. Thus her comment "there's nothing anyone can do".
Each of those feelings or stages, are very difficult. But due to the type of person she is (stoic and reluctant to show her emotions) she would likely be having great difficulty in confiding with anyone or in revealing her feelings of fear, vulnerability or anger. And yet, that is what she really will need to do.
I know you are hurting badly right now, feeling as though you've been rejected. But I very much doubt that's the case. Don't give up yet on her or in the investment you've put into whats obviously been a lovely 17 year friendship. Good friends are hard to find, and worth persevering with to maintain.
I don't know if any of this is helpful to you? I hope it is. Though, I'm sorry my first attempted reply was lost, as it was so much better than this one. Sadly, yes it was. 
Sending you love and a caring hug.
Sherry 
@outlander Good on you for explaining the drafts folder.
@Former-Member I think it was about 2 years on the forum for me, and a lot of lost drafts, before I figured out how to locate them!
@Shaz51 We have not fought much. Both of us probably think it is petty and have done our best not to be reactive or snipey, but .... it is not really fair what I have endured. Having the Neami worker was timely and helpful. But it is also 30 years I have struggled with latent hostility and unrealistic expectations on MY shoulders. It started before my son's concetpion ... so .. I often get him off the hook ... but should not do that totally.
Today ... I tried to stand up for myself ... in a timely fashion (within 24 hours) about not being attacked, used or put down.
We had a breather and he went to town and I had my Community Rehabilitation session.
When he returned with gf
I also asked him not to interrupt me and hear me out. 2 New things for me.
@Former-Member Sorry about your friend. Yes I can see how convoluted it can get with the 2 men having a friendship as well, within the 2 couples connection. Cancer and palliative care are as tough as it gets. So thinking of you all.
Choir was a life saver tonight.
I also did some new self care on train and at choir. Put on hand cream to calm down. I ate dinner on train .. an avocado...I also needed to take prn. I was wired.
In choir ... I opened my peppermint teabag early before break and was using the scent to calm me down.
It is very stirring rhythmic music, but I am fairly disciplined with it. There was some news about a possible European tour next year. Maybe it is finally time for me. There have been 3 other tour offers I have refrained from in recent years
1) to China 2) to Eastern Europe 3) to France Amien to sing Peace Cantata. I have turned down all of them mainloy due to son not being well enough.
now this would be no 4) anyway it is a year away ... so lots of time to see.
I have not travelled since 1981. All 3 of my children have been overseas. Both girls are very well travelled. My son thought it was a bit excessive&superficial and he is right. He has only had one month in the US seeing rellies about 5 years ago.
Maybe even he could come ... but he is close to burning a lot of bridges .. we will see.
Made a "new friend" from choir tonight. A soprano I have never met before bumped into her one the early train home. We yakked and yakked.
Best regards for the night ALL
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Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.