Don’t want to accept the pain

[creative_writer]

I feel like I should be over it all but I’m not

[creative_writer]

So people have said my emotions are too intense. Then what intensity of emotions is appropriate for what I’ve experienced? I can then adjust my emotional expression to appropriate levels

[tyme]

If they say your emotions are too intense, what do they think you should do? @creative_writer 

[creative_writer]

@tyme I don’t know. You see people don’t usually ask about what is a socially appropriate expression of emotions because they instinctively know. It’s like I’m supposed to know. Like once I had a psych (old psych), I asked her how will I know if I’m overreacting. She said I would know. What is that supposed to mean? I don’t know. How do people develop this instinct? Do you just mirror the emotions of people when they face similar stressors? Maybe this is a very ASD thing to ask, I feel a bit socially inept

[creative_writer]

I’m going to sleep before I do anything stupid to punish myself for feeling this way. I’ll be safe tonight. I feel stupid for feeling this way, I cannot convince my brain otherwise. It won’t listen to challenge thoughts right now. If only I was over it all by now instead of being stuck and useless. If only I didn’t react so much. So what if it was my first experience, I shouldn’t feel as though my life is over

[tyme]

I'm not sure these thoughts before bed are that helpful?  @creative_writer 

Please know you are many strengths. I hope you find a way to focus on all the things you are good at and can do. 

I know you have a large heart and you feel deeply.

Hugs @creative_writer 

[creative_writer]

@tyme I feel like I’ve been triggered recently, I am feeling these emotions a lot deeper. I don’t know what and how this happened, I’m very confused myself. I had a good period where I wasn’t thinking so much about trauma, but now I am and I don’t know why. Not knowing is unsettling. I feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help but feel this way

[Jynx]

Do you think you could accept that you feel this way @creative_writer and make space for the emotions, but also hold space for the fact that you can experience a thought/narrative without necessarily needing to identify with it? 

"It feels like I should be over it, and that my emotions are too intense. But I know that's mainly social narratives and I don't need to believe it - I can choose to believe what makes the most sense for me. But it's okay to feel overwhelmed by the pressure sometimes." Or something like that?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I think there is a lot that needs to be unpacked. I’ve been told my whole life I’m too sensitive that it is very hard to not believe it.

I have my next psych appointment after a month, so I can explore it more then. Gotta thank the mental health system for that. I have used up my 4 psych sessions, so now need to wait a month to get next referral. Because apparently you have to space referrals out by 3 months. I didn’t know it was a thing. I’ve been seeing my current psych every two weeks, though I’m going to be out of sessions mid year at this rate. My private health doesn’t cover.

[Jynx]

The eternal struggle @creative_writer need to be an expert in the system to navigate it.  Need to be privileged to afford care. OOH it makes me mad. 

But yeah you and me both. Like even my partner (who has their own rather horrific trauma history) said to me that they thought they were an emotional person.... But yeah I blew em away 😅

TBH... I'm still working through it. I do struggle to find self-acceptance when it feels like I'm causing distress to those around me, or when I end up exhausted from crying really hard over something seemingly very small or very silly. 

I know there's nothing wrong with me. But I do wish I could have a little more self-acceptance, especially because when I don't, when I shame myself... well it usually ends up making me cry harder. Fun. 🙃