Wow! That's amazing that you've won awards for restoring cars and you've done a couple of house renovations. You sound very talented. It all sounds very hands on.
- What sort of cars do you like working on?
- How did you find doing house renovations? What did you enjoy most? I hear it can be very challenging... but maybe that's with all the TV shows about house renos.
- Kindergarten teacher, sounds like you are very caring and patient person. Though, from what I can see of your responses to others in this forum, I think we already knew that are very caring. 
What would you enjoy most about being a kindergarten teacher?
Sounds like you've done a lot of car renos! How many years had you worked on cars?
Yeah, I agree with you, kids can teach us many lessons about simplicity in life. Us adults can complicate things, and let our history burden our present, whereas children are free and innocent. Sorry to hear that you couldn't follow up the teaching postion. Though the fact, you were offered a position in the past says you could do it again. Is it something that you would consider?
We're about to close the forums. So I will leave you with one question to ponder until the next time we speak. I'm tomorrow if you want to drop in then.
- Where would you like to be in 5 years? Don't think of restraints, but dream big.
It's been a real pleasure getting to know you more tonight, @hiddenite . You have many talents.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Until then,
Stay safe and stay cool (it'll be hot tomorrow)
CB 
Dear @hiddenite
It is amazing what you have done, good for you! Would it help to just gently hold the possibility that in the longer term (however long that might be) you may be able to do parts of these things, which are clearly gifts, once again? I hear what you say about your husband stopping you - such a significant part of domestic violence is the control and emotional abuse. Sadly not at all well understood by the general population, or even by some within the "helping" professions.
Anne liked one of my older posts about a blog (thanks @PeppiPatty !), regarding managing flashbacks, last night and I've realised it might be of help to you. The link is here , you might also find the whole thread of interest or help as it is generally about trauma.
I am working on getting permission to post the poem I mentioned, so we will see. I'll post it if I can.
I also thought you might find this science blog of interest. I really enjoy the posts - quite unusual and very readable language.
My friend in reply to Sandy you said "I'm my own worst enemy, I've taken over punishing myself from him.". This is exactly what ongoing abuse does to anyone. It doesn't make it the victim/survivor's fault, nor does it mean they can't be helped. What it does mean is that helping requires much more skill and understanding, and great courage on the part of the survivor. There is no doubt you have that courage. What is missing here is someone compassionate and skilled and understanding enough to support you sufficiently on your journey. There is a better tomorrow, and you DO deserve a better tomorrow, despite what you have been told for so many years.
At least until you find that help, please continue to walk this road with us - we cannot carry you, you cannot carry us, but we can share much care and wisdom gained on the journey.
Hope for helpful help endures...
Kindest regards, Kristin
PS please take a water bottle or two with you if you are out-bush in your car today.
Dear @hiddenite
I want to second what @CherryBomb says about you NOT being a waste of space, or a parasite. You belong here, we know you have inherent worth - even if others are too blind to see it. You are truly welcome here.
You don't bring us down, we are just deeply concerned about you and want to see you able to access helpful help - whatever that might be for you (because it means different things to different people). Just because you have particular sensitivities due to past abuse does not mean you can't be helped. It does mean that anyone who is going to help needs to listen rather than talk, and clearly it's important that they're not male if you need to speak to them or see them. This too is very understandable given what has happened to you. What you are asking is not impossible, nor even exceptionally difficult, in my view. It requires what there seem s to have been far too little of - which is someone in MH services to actually listen to and respect your needs, and then see what can be done to meet them.
Sending you lots of cyber-hugs. I'd happily give you real ones if I could. In the meantime may you be held and embraced genlty in angel's wings, so you can have some rest from the need for hypervigilance (which is exhausting, I know).
Kindest regards,
Kristin
Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.
Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.